It will be four years in December since I shaved my head. Attempting to balance school, beauty standards, shame, and being in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship, finding self-acceptance while having alopecia has not been easy. After one huge argument with the guy I was dating, I decided I just needed to be free. While the option should have been to break up with this guy forever, I decided to buy a pair of clippers and loose myself of the beautiful natural hair that I often wore in the french braid that had the power to mask the patches in my head.

At this point, I hadn't shown my then-boyfriend any of my patches. I never let him see me wash or blow dry my hair, but he thought it was just 'a black girl thing,' you know the partially true stereotype about black women not wanting people to touch their hair. I let the stereotype save me from having to confront having to mouth the words "no, it's just really that I'm losing my hair." I was afraid of his reaction if I did tell him the truth - that like the world, he would find me unattractive. In all the complexity of human beings, he was able to muster up some level of decency and actually cut my hair properly and provided encouragement through the process.

With the words from one close friend, my mother, and the then boyfriend, I started using sprays to cover up the patches, creating the perception that I had a low haircut.

Please listen, after a couple years of using the spray that magically found itself in my body, be sure to read the ingredients on these products and research the side effects on your body. I got tired of the spray, how costly it was to find it, cleaning up my bathroom after it, etc. I started wearing wigs more and more. I liked them, I found the good human hair ones, I loved being able to engage in the ritual that we hold so dear - smelling the heat emerging from the flat irons, loving how I could bend the bangs of the hair like Farrah Fawcett or Beyonce lol ...It felt good for a short time.

However, in the Black community, the ability to turn our hair from kinky and coarse to straight and slick, regardless of alopecia, is a highly valued magic trick. Its roots go beyond what is necessary right now for this post, but it is related to the racism we've internalized in this country. The point here is that, I spent much of my life learning how to reject the desire for said magic trick, I didn't want straight hair, purported "pretty hair" that defied my natural coils. I wanted my kinky, coarse hair that I could maneuver into braids, twist-outs, pin curls, fros, etc. I would go on websites like 'Black Girl Long Hair' for 'natural hair style tips.' I was happy in my own skin in that way. But when I got diagnosed with alopecia? The wig quest is poor. There are rarely high quality wigs that have hair texture similar to many Black women. If you walk into a beauty supply store, they may even tell you "we don't carry that hair, nobody wants to buy that hair." The one curly haired wig that I loved (see photo album) was always super cute with hats, but not necessarily without. No longer comfortable with my Farrah Fawcett/Beyonce hair days or the kinky hair-hat styles, I had to reconcile. So what did I do? Even against my knowledge and will, by 2012, I resorted back to the spray. And when I didn't want that, I wore the headwraps I had mastered since high school when wearing a headwrap was just a cool thing to do for the "deep" Black girls in high school =)

(Oh, did I say I had broken up with the abusive guy already? ... Well, by late 2011, I did ... If you are struggling with alopecia as a woman, the brief encouragement from an abusive partner is no acceptable treatment for you, me, or anyone)

In perhaps, August of 2012 I stopped wearing wigs and spray altogether. Knowing the spray was unhealthy for me and fortunately, running into an old friend who is now my boyfriend, I've been slowly finding the courage to just be *bald*. I told him how I had been using the spray and how unhealthy it was and that I needed to tell him so that if I would ever be tempted, he would hold me accountable. As a result, he taught me how to clean shave my head with a razor. He even wants to do a website dedicated to bald men and women but that integrates fashion and style. Funny enough, I found THISE SITE after he told me his idea.

Anyway, I learned how to walk outside with some level of confidence. It's been rocky. The confidence is sometimes shakey. I follow blogs like "Bald, Black Beauties" on Tumblr as well as a number of other sites that value alternative images of beauty. I have also found comfort in learning about communities who identify as gender-queer, if I'm not mistaken, this refers to a man or woman who is not comfortable with gender norms and have a more outward and cognitive representation as androgynous. They do not find comfort in being boxed in either traditional male or female categories. Although, I am a cis-gendered, female, the comfort that there are communities whose lifestyle and existence is to challenge the norms of gender related identity, expectations, representations, etc. gives me a sense of peace. If someone thinks that I am not feminine enough because I do not have hair, I know that it's the OTHER person's problem because they have narrow, socially constructed views of masculinity and femininity. There are also awesome sites by women who are just generally happy with exploring masculinity via femininity. See Tumblr blog called "Femininely Masculine," I believe that's the name.

Alopecia World has been a gem for me. To see so many beautiful people finding their way, feeling like me, looking like me, encouraging one another, sharing stories ... it has been one of the most beautiful experiences. Alopecians are everywhere I'm learning. We are creating our own agency & self-determination in our respective communities, finding self acceptance, self love and appreciation, we share our coping mechanisms. The information here is very intimate as I'm sure we don't necessarily talk about all these things with everyone all the time.

I'm thankful and grateful. I am trying to take more pictures of myself smiling with my beautiful bald head. I am learning to take ownership of my sexual identity as a woman with a bald head. We deserve love and pleasure, too, without shame or embarrassment. We deserve the freedom to walk outside without ridicule. We deserve the safe space in the world as others.

Final note - parents, get your children. Teach them that it is rude to stare lol thanks.

=)