Alopecia World
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First time I've lost it in response to the cancer question
I'm feeling guilty today because of something I did last night. I was at an outdoor concert, wearing one of my Turkish scarves because it was cool.
A pleasant woman about my age was introduced to me by mutual friends. The FIRST words out of her mouth were: "I was where you are." Instead of responding with my usual "Oh, I don't have cancer, I have alopecia areata, etc..." I calmly said: "And where do you think I am?"
She was a little taken aback, and said that she assumed I have breast cancer, as she once did. I paused, then I explained as I usually do about the cause of my hair loss.
I've been asked this question in some form countless times, sometimes several times in a week. I always respond with empathy, thanking the person for their concern, and explaining about AA.
This time, something snapped inside me and I just didn't feel like playing along. I don't know why. Later, we talked more after I'd taken off my scarf while dancing, and shared our feelings about being bald. She didn't seem upset or offended
But, I woke up during the night feeling bad. This woman was just doing what we all do - we reach out to people we feel we have something in common with. It's a very natural and very human thing to do. It makes us all feel less alone in the world to connect and share experiences, the way we all do here on AW. That's ALL that these women with cancer (or people who have loved ones with cancer) are doing.
So, why did I challenge her? A man came up to me later the same night while I was doing fast swing dancing, and asked me what kind of chemo I was on that allowed me to be so energetic! I gave him my usual nice response.
What this experience tells me is that I'm not as far along on my journey to self-acceptance as I think I am. Why should it be so upsetting to be mistaken for a woman with cancer? Rather than a negative, it should be a POSITIVE thing: I should feel fortunate and grateful that I DON'T have cancer and only have an inability to grow hair!
I know the answer to my question. It upsets me because it takes me out of my state of FEELING NORMAL with my baldness, and reminds me that to other people, I'm different. It upsets me because it feels so unfair to me that bald guys can go everywhere and not be asked the question.
I want to wave a wand or snap my fingers and make US as unremarkable as bald men are these days. Even though more and more women are going out bald, I know that's going to be a long while. So, I just have to continue to work on not letting it bother me, and loving who I am.
Mary
A pleasant woman about my age was introduced to me by mutual friends. The FIRST words out of her mouth were: "I was where you are." Instead of responding with my usual "Oh, I don't have cancer, I have alopecia areata, etc..." I calmly said: "And where do you think I am?"
She was a little taken aback, and said that she assumed I have breast cancer, as she once did. I paused, then I explained as I usually do about the cause of my hair loss.
I've been asked this question in some form countless times, sometimes several times in a week. I always respond with empathy, thanking the person for their concern, and explaining about AA.
This time, something snapped inside me and I just didn't feel like playing along. I don't know why. Later, we talked more after I'd taken off my scarf while dancing, and shared our feelings about being bald. She didn't seem upset or offended
But, I woke up during the night feeling bad. This woman was just doing what we all do - we reach out to people we feel we have something in common with. It's a very natural and very human thing to do. It makes us all feel less alone in the world to connect and share experiences, the way we all do here on AW. That's ALL that these women with cancer (or people who have loved ones with cancer) are doing.
So, why did I challenge her? A man came up to me later the same night while I was doing fast swing dancing, and asked me what kind of chemo I was on that allowed me to be so energetic! I gave him my usual nice response.
What this experience tells me is that I'm not as far along on my journey to self-acceptance as I think I am. Why should it be so upsetting to be mistaken for a woman with cancer? Rather than a negative, it should be a POSITIVE thing: I should feel fortunate and grateful that I DON'T have cancer and only have an inability to grow hair!
I know the answer to my question. It upsets me because it takes me out of my state of FEELING NORMAL with my baldness, and reminds me that to other people, I'm different. It upsets me because it feels so unfair to me that bald guys can go everywhere and not be asked the question.
I want to wave a wand or snap my fingers and make US as unremarkable as bald men are these days. Even though more and more women are going out bald, I know that's going to be a long while. So, I just have to continue to work on not letting it bother me, and loving who I am.
Mary
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Comment by Mary on August 31, 2010 at 11:06am
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Lisa, as a newbie to baldness compared with someone who's been dealing with it for decades, I greatly appreciate your advice. Very well said! I'm going to remember what you wrote - you're right and I hadn't quite thought it out in the way you describe. Thank you!
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I hear you! I get fed up, too. But, we CAN'T let other people control our lives! I refuse to be hot and miserable and uncomfortable just because people or their ill-trained children can't deal with the way I look. I've acquired much tougher skin (ha!), and most of the time my attitude is summed up by a shirt I had made that says "Yes, I'm bald...get over it!"
I cut the people with cancer some slack (though I'm taking Lisa's advice to heart), but everyone else - kids, small-minded adults, I don't hesitate to let them know they've offended me if they stare or say something rude. I usually do it in a calm manner, but someday, I may just blow! ( ;-)
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Yup, I feel the same way.
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Thank you to everyone for your responses. I'm feeling better about it.
Mary
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Comment by RobynCS on September 8, 2010 at 12:18am
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You are all going to laugh b/c I actually started approaching bald people this summer. I spoke to a bald woman with a large rimmed hat who was enjoying a lacrosse tournament game this past hot hot summer. When she confidently took off her stylish hat to wipe her brow, she seemed content and at ease; I sat on the grass with my stylish wig, tight wig cap, and incognito sunglasses baking in the scorching sun. It was post conference and I just had to know. So I sprang and asked and she has fortuanately beaten cancer now for the second time. Well, my heart sunk and I hope my expression didnt as much as I think it did. I tried to be supportive and congratulate her. Boy what an a- - I was in just trying to connect. The husband just gave me a look like it's time to go now...
I thought this woman looked beautiful and her can-do attitude eminated. Many of us are really on the fence with wanting to prove that bald is a happy, healthy outlook and way to live, but who wants to go out in our private lives to be viewed as 'sickly'. Not me. Just going to the market in a bandana in another neighborhood was enough for me. I found myself shying away from eye contact, and became more self-conscious as the test run went on. I started out myself in my own little world, but then noticed people looked at me like I was a cancer victim. Not what I expected.
Did wear my bandana while out with supportive extended family members at breakfast and the beach. I felt more protected and 'healthy'. No one would think I was going through chemo b/c of our loud obnoxious conversations and then healthy swimming, hauling heavy mule packs, etc.
The point here (I think) is that- Mary - I respect the choice you have made and probably hope to get there as a bald woman. I think you're an interesting woman. "Any day spent not in a wig is a good day" used to be my motto, but on the other hand, my wig let's me keep my autonomy. Gail- I'm still with you and your lovely synthetic wigs...for now.
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I've hesitated to post my motto because I don't want to offend women who prefer to wear a wig...but you came close to it, so here goes. Very early on, as I realized I couldn't wear a wig, my motto became "Life is too short to wear a wig." ( ;-)
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Comment by Tallgirl on September 8, 2010 at 1:05am
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Since I have had to deal with this condition since age 10, had no confidence about dating all through my teen years, lost a husband to a Longhair and had both wimpy hair and cheap wigs, I think I deserve the best "hair" I can afford to make myself feel better. I think we all look for balance to even our own scores.
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Absolutely! Why do I wother wearing something nice instead of just living in sweat pants and a T-shirt (not that there's anything wrong with sweat pants and T-shirts)? We all like to feel good about how we look. I know exactly what you mean. I honestly wish I could wear wigs...I love the way a nice wig looks. We all have to do what makes us feel best.
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