Alopecia World
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Going downhill
I suffer from AA.
I've had it for almost the past 9 years of my life.
It's been hard, but I've always managed to handle it.
Well, most of the time.
Like with everything in life, me and AA have our ups and downs.
2 years ago, i started going up again. My patches (a total of 4 at the time) were regrowing and slowly disappearing. It got to the point where i was able to stop getting my regular 6-weeks shots and using my cream.
To be honest, i got cocky. I thought, no, i persuaded, and tricked myself into thinking everything was okay. For more than 3 months, i felt i was almost a normal teenager.
But then, like always, another thumb-sized patch appeared.
For me, i only ever notice them when they get to this size. And this is when my scalp gets REALLY itchy. No matter how much i washed my hair...sometimes, it gets so unbearable that i end up scratching my scalp red raw in my sleep.
Since then, that patch has increased in size. Another one formed on the opposite side of my head, and two smaller ones above my neck, at the back.
These all formed within 6 months, and now, a year and a half later i have a fifth patch that is also large and spreads across the back of my scalp and two small thinning areas at the front of my hairline.
I feel like I'm being attacked by all sides.
You know what? I'm starting to get paranoid again. Like how i was when i first found i suffered from AA.
Every time i hear someone talking behind me, i automatically assume they are talking about my patches.
I run to the bathroom every day, at least once, to check they are all covered.
I think it was today that has really forced me closer to the edge than i have ever been before. Three ladies sitting behind me, started discussing hair. They were discussing how it was in their opinion that a woman's hair made or broke them. Depending on their hair, meant they would either be attractive or unattractive.
But no, that's not what bothered me. What bothered me was what they said next.
"But like, what if they are bald?"
I froze. It took every ounce of my courage to stay in line and not run for the nearest toilet.
I know i can't be sure, but the way they were talking, i KNEW they had to of been talking because of me.
As soon as i paid for my items, i briskly walked to the closest toilet and checked my head in the mirror.
Only a slither of one of my patches was showing on the back of my head. I don't know if it was enough to be noticed by them, but now, i can't stop replaying their conversation over in my head.
I didn't mention before, but i visit my dermatologist every six weeks, and besides getting regular shots to my patches, i also get prescribed a cream and a tar (or "muck" as i call it) which I'm suppose to use every night.
However, i hardly ever use these creams anymore, i try and convince myself i don't need them, even though when i think logically, i know i do.
But it's the sight of them... it now makes me sick.
I have got to the point where they make me PHYSICALLY sick and i feel like throwing up.
I don't want to even GLANCE at any of them. Let alone use a mirror and stare right at them while i apply cream each night.
I'm just, all over the place right now. My patches are really getting to my self esteem, but no matter how badly it gets, i always find myself trying to convince myself its okay and if i ignore them, they will go away.
Sitting here tonight, well asides from my first entry here at AW, it's really the first time I've admitted everything. The first time I've written EVERYTHING down, everything I'm thinking, what I'm worried about. I don't know if it will help, i don't know if any of you can help me, but i feel if i just write it down here, at least i know I'm getting it out. And that's more than I've ever achieved with my attempted journals.
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Comment by rosamosqueta on November 29, 2011 at 6:44am
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Hi, Tiasha! It´s a great step to be able to write about your real feelings. It´s not easy to admit our problem, but you´re in the right place. Acceptance is the first step to cope with hairloss. Try to calm, and don´t think that everybody is talking about your hair. People usually talk about hair questions naturally, as we talk about weather. And you must know that we are here to support you, with our experiences.
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Comment by Tallgirl on November 29, 2011 at 11:29am
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I did the tar shampoo, creams and UV lights at age 10, shots, prednisone and cortisone in teen years (plus half-wig to get through life with no gossip, to freely join in school activities and have no one behind me comment in class), and then a full wig for college until the hair grew back at 20. I dated guys from church camp, who were respectful and lived out of town (I imported them for my formal dances!). I wrote in journals, but about friends, politics, faith, parents, discrimination and other things. Never did I let alopecia stop me from joining clubs, getting good grades and enjoying college.
Yep...the shots and even a week's hospital stay at 16 (alopecia shots messed up my female system) made me feel down and like a giant human experiment...so by college, I dumped all those treatments and my hair grew back on its own. My female workings evened out. Imagine!
Hair loss came back in my late 30s, but after initial depression about it, I just gave up on treatments and started buying nice wigs. Life goes on. Sometimes you just have to be there for your kids and grandkids, and give more energy to other things than hair.
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Comment by Lili on November 30, 2011 at 7:18pm
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Hi Tiasha, first I want to say that I'm sorry fOr what's going on. Those ladies are wrong, hair is not the biggest thing to define a woman's beauty. There are a lot of women out there who feel ugly and have a full head of hair. Maybe they're obese or, idk, lots of things not typically seen as pretty. I'm a quarter korean and my only korean feature was my hair... It was thick, glossy and dark. It used to take an hour to straighten it. There's no way no one would notice. I tried to style it so it looked better, but the only way for me to deal with feeling like people were always staring or talking about me... Was to buy a nice looking wig. I made the choice when I knew for real that people were looking at it and noticed. It's not for everyone but it does help some of us. Especially when you cross that divide into having a harder and harder time concealing it. I terat my hairloss with rogaine and it sickens me to do ot too. Every time I apply it I'm reminded and having to confront it. Sometimes I stop using it and my hai gets so much worse. It's the price I pay I guess. I just want you to know you're not alone. Again the wigs aren't for everyone but they"re an option. (Hugs) I hope you feel better soon, bravo for putting yourself out there and writing about you hair loss.
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I wanted to add that if wigs ARE an option you want to explore, I think it's easier to make that transition before you hair loss gets too much to conceal. That way you can choose to disclose or not on your own terms. (That's been my personal choice for right now in my life). Sorry for the crappy grammar, I'm typing on my blackberry in a rush!
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Comment by Tiasha on December 7, 2011 at 5:14am
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@Rosa: Thank you, that means a lot to me <3 @Tallgirl: I appreciate you sharing your story with me, thank you. Your story sounds a lot like mine, or at least, the first teenager years of it anyway. I have tried so many things, however i haven't actually tried, or heard about, UV treatment. Did it work at all?
@Lil: You seem to be a large contributor to this site :) I see your posts around a lot. Its nice to know that there are people such as yourself, going around trying to support all of us on here.
To be honest, i somewhat agree with those woman. I always judge a person by their hair, its the first thing i notice about a person. Granted, this is probably because i lack that such beautiful trait, however i have noticed that your hair does shape your face and define your style.When i was younger i always cursed my mother for giving me her thick, wavy, "boofy" hair and i always used to dream about having that gorgeous straight, black hair that many asian girls are lucky enough to have. However, as i read your story, i think that i am actually quite lucky to have such hair as it is my greatest weapon in hiding my AA.
As for wigs, i'm unsure as to my decision about them. I still have enough hair to cover everything, it's just that if my hair does move (if i don't hairspray it etc), then my patches do show through. My main concern is that when i get a wig, i will be judged even more than i would be if a small part of my patch was showing. A few of my old friends were into something called "cosplay" and that involved dressing up and wearing wigs, i participated in it once and found that even though i was wearing a natural brown wig, it was very noticeable that it wasn't natural.
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