Alopecia World
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I Am At My Breaking Point, [Forget] Life
Sadness... swiftly pierces through my flesh and rips away at my insides. I am so consumed with the internal pain that has taken up a permanent residence deep within the core of my being. The mask i wear that displays a warm smile is beginning to shatter, and the broken insecure woman within is starting to resurface. She is angry, she is hurt, and she is crying out for help...or at least some form of peace. In my mind, i am a prisoner in the coldest cell you could ever imagine. This place is so empty and lonely. When i look in the dirty rusty mirror, i can barely recognize myself. Realizing that i am falling apart, that my beauty is diminishing with each passing day because i am going bald, has caused me to detach myself from life. Breathing..walking..talking.. existing, is all i do. My soul and my spirit, have died, and i am left here, begging for the angel of death to take me tonight. "Let me not have to endure this struggle anymore, my god of mercy and love, let me..your child...come home."
To much to live for...to many people that "care" and "love" me...is what i am told. But do they know how i feel EVERY morning? Do they know that i am ashamed to be seen in public and i hate when people look at me or tell me i am pretty "even though i feel like a walking sad story"...that my chances of finding love are now very slim due to this "issue" and that i wish to be put out of my misery? I have been through many things in my life...things that people may not even imagine...but i can only take so much. I am not superwoman, and i am not invincible...soon...i will break. I just want a shoulder to cry on, some one to hold me while i pour out my sorrows, a listening and understanding ear, and support. I don't know where i will be in the next 5 years or even the next year, but whatever my fate shall be i hope it is not spent here on this earth..i don't even want to be alive anymore.
To much to live for...to many people that "care" and "love" me...is what i am told. But do they know how i feel EVERY morning? Do they know that i am ashamed to be seen in public and i hate when people look at me or tell me i am pretty "even though i feel like a walking sad story"...that my chances of finding love are now very slim due to this "issue" and that i wish to be put out of my misery? I have been through many things in my life...things that people may not even imagine...but i can only take so much. I am not superwoman, and i am not invincible...soon...i will break. I just want a shoulder to cry on, some one to hold me while i pour out my sorrows, a listening and understanding ear, and support. I don't know where i will be in the next 5 years or even the next year, but whatever my fate shall be i hope it is not spent here on this earth..i don't even want to be alive anymore.
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Comment by Dominique Cleopatra on May 23, 2010 at 5:38pm
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I'm sorry you're feeling so low, I felt the same way but I've gotten hair bonding and it stays on all the time and I feel like the sensual woman I was meant to be again.
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Comment by Petra on May 23, 2010 at 6:13pm
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Danielle, I am so sorry that you are feeling so down right now - I know how you feel, I have been there myself. I hated the person that was looking back at me from the mirror, I didn't recognize her anymore. I hated the person I became all because I lost my hair. I felt so all alone and how could anyone ever understand what I was going through or what I was feeling. I have been living now with alopecia for over 30 years - way before internet and this wonderful support group. This group has been the best thing that has happened for me - I know now that I am not alone and there are others that are going through the same thing as me - people that truly understand.
Don't think that you won't find true love because you are losing your hair. Me and my husband meet while I lost my hair for the 2nd time (1st time at the age of 18, but it grew back). It was never an issue for him, I'm the one that was sturggling with it. I have gotten nothing but support from him, whether I want to wear a wig, a scarf, or go bald he will support me 100% of the way. There are a lot of good men out there that are going to love you because you are a kind, smart, beautiful person.
I wish I could give you a shoulder to cry on but the best I can do right now is send you some hugs (((((((0))))))))
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Comment by shafeah m'balia on May 23, 2010 at 10:47pm
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Danielle--my sister, there is nothing, nobody, noone, no thing in the universe that is worthy of you hating yourself or for you to "break" God did not create you (us) to throw away but to see the beauty. God does not call out self-hatred, but self-introspection; not self-destruction but self-growth. If you are anything like the photo that you posted, that is one of the ways i wrap my hair (ooops, head). i did it before i lost all of it and i wrap it now. So i very much relate to all of the issues you may be facing: Black, woman (alopecia is easier socially on men); AND BALD??!! OH, to the h--- No! This society so much values the superficial, the cosmetic; it talks about but does not support the internal mental, emotional, spiritual health of people, much less Black women.
There are good men who do see beyond the superficial; I can see by your courage to write and to write your feelings for the world to see that you are fierce. I looked at my losing my hair as the chance to really check me out: my values, my courage.....am i stepping forward to put forward the best traits (humility, compassion, courage, purposefulness - is that a word? - giving) as a human being. i am using this to gain insight, wisdom. And not just anybody can walk with you on that journey - all those other ones who were caught up in the hair length, hair color, hair style, weaves, braids, dreads, banana curls, flips, dips, cuts and blows and all the other superficialities will automatically not be able to hang or give you what you need and deserve. Keep being Fierce, Continue to look within. Love yourself. Develop yourself. Choose life and Fly.
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The other part of it is, is that you could have developed elephantiasis (you know, the elephant man?). You could have developed a life threatening, prolonged, excrutiatingly painful and degenerative disease. But you didn't. you coulda been (and i'm gonna get real politically incorrect - but you'll get my point) blind, crippled AND crazy or even (as i did) fat (from steroids), Black and ugly (i had coke-bottle-bottom glasses). but you didn't. and you ain't. step forward, child. grab your life and the world by the horns, stand up, step up and fight back. be yo bee-you-ti-full self.
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Comment by Danielle Pace on May 23, 2010 at 11:00pm
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AWWW.....your words empower me so much,i can not thank you enough, god bless you, and i am glad u told me these things.
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Comment by Ade on May 24, 2010 at 12:15pm
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Dear Danielle
My heart goes out to you. Your words were so profound and i hear your cry at the core of my soul - for i remember praying those prayers too.
It takes courage to pour out ones heart so honestly, and so eloquently and from reading your blog post what i do know for sure is that you are indeed courageous. You are not walking the alopecia journey alone, you have mighty companions here in 'alopecia world' and we are here to remind each other that our hair (or lack of) does not define our worth or beauty - for we are worthy and beautiful as part of our birthright. We are also here to carry each other during those periods where we do not recognise our true self in the mirror. So my sister, do keep breathing, walking, talking, existing and living and playing and writing and taking each day as it comes....... i wish you peace and joy...much love to you.
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Thanks everyone for the uplifting support and encouraging words. I will continue to fight on, as we all should.
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Hi, I just watched the video that Yoshimi posted. Very inspirational. Did anyone else notice the person that was sitting in the middle of the screen at 3.28 minutes into the video. If you have not check it out.
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Comment by Andrea on May 26, 2010 at 2:47pm
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I would like to say your beauty is NOT fading. It is just taking on a new form. You ARE beautiful. I know how hopeless I felt when I was getting diagnosed and misdiagnosed. You have value and you are not defined by your hair. Blessings to you.
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