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I Really Need Some Kind Words, Alopecians and Non-Alopecians. Please.
I'm tired of this. I'm sick and tired of having my optimism and hope driven into the dirt by my mother. Every time I talk to her on the phone, I end up in tears. I resent her for making me feel insecure about something that I have no control over. She makes me feel like I'm not doing enough when in reality I've done so much. I feel that if I try one more procedure or method and bring her (and myself) false hopes that it'll just be wasted money and it will wear me out even more. I am still a young person and I feel so worn out and fragile. I wish with all of my heart that I could be happy like most of the people around me are, but I am not. I've spent the last year building up strength and trying desperately to change the way I see myself, but it is so hard and so frustrating having all of my efforts torn down every day by a woman who is supposed to make me feel better about myself! I know my mother didn't ask for this, but neither did I. She has no right to put me on the spot and question me and examine me and make me feel that I am my hair. She does not know what it is like to be in my position right now. I understand that no mother wants to see her daughter lose her hair, but no daughter wants to be made to feel like unattractive shit by her shallow mother. (I'm not just saying that. My mother is actually shallow.)
I am writing this blog right now with tears in my eyes because I am so hurt and upset by this whole thing. It's hard enough being strong for myself, but being strong for my mother as well is more than I can handle at the moment. I'm terrified of what would happen if I had to wear a wig one day. Everytime I try to express to my mother how bad I feel when she says what she says, she always either yells, gets into a frenzy, or turns it against me and says "Why? Is it getting any worse? Why aren't you being honest with me?" I feel like I'm trapped in a neverending hell and I can't escape it. I so badly want to feel happy and carefree like I did before all of this ever happened. In the past year I feel like I've aged thirty years and I'm too young to feel this way. NOBODY should feel this way!
My mother has drilled the thought into my head that this is something I should hide from the world. She is always telling me not to tell any guy who I like about it because I don't want to "turn them off." She feels that with female pattern baldness, I will never meet a man since I won't be as attractive as I was with my full head of hair. I'd like to think that there are men who are more evolved than that, but she's brainwashed me to believe that that simply isn't so. She's made me almost believe that men may be married to bald women, but have affairs with women they find more attractive. I hate feeling this way. I don't want to believe it's true. I really don't. My mother has just made me feel that hair loss/baldness is a flaw and it should be covered up and hidden if it has to exist at all.
Back to my point earlier about my mother being shallow. It is so incredibly hard having a shallow mother, especially when I have a condition that effects my looks. Up until this happened, things were pretty much ok. I was always getting compliments on my looks from different people and my mother was proud. She claims that she will always be proud of me, but deep in my heart I don't believe that she would be as happy with me if I had to wear a wig. She pretty much told me so herself tonight. She said "I would still love you and be proud of you, but no, I would not be happy to know that you lost your hair and are wearing a wig. And that is something that will never change." I wish she didn't have to be this way. It is so painful for me and I cry just thinking about it. I am still the same person, with or without this hair. I wish she could accept me and still be happy with me, regardless of how I look.
I am writing this blog right now with tears in my eyes because I am so hurt and upset by this whole thing. It's hard enough being strong for myself, but being strong for my mother as well is more than I can handle at the moment. I'm terrified of what would happen if I had to wear a wig one day. Everytime I try to express to my mother how bad I feel when she says what she says, she always either yells, gets into a frenzy, or turns it against me and says "Why? Is it getting any worse? Why aren't you being honest with me?" I feel like I'm trapped in a neverending hell and I can't escape it. I so badly want to feel happy and carefree like I did before all of this ever happened. In the past year I feel like I've aged thirty years and I'm too young to feel this way. NOBODY should feel this way!
My mother has drilled the thought into my head that this is something I should hide from the world. She is always telling me not to tell any guy who I like about it because I don't want to "turn them off." She feels that with female pattern baldness, I will never meet a man since I won't be as attractive as I was with my full head of hair. I'd like to think that there are men who are more evolved than that, but she's brainwashed me to believe that that simply isn't so. She's made me almost believe that men may be married to bald women, but have affairs with women they find more attractive. I hate feeling this way. I don't want to believe it's true. I really don't. My mother has just made me feel that hair loss/baldness is a flaw and it should be covered up and hidden if it has to exist at all.
Back to my point earlier about my mother being shallow. It is so incredibly hard having a shallow mother, especially when I have a condition that effects my looks. Up until this happened, things were pretty much ok. I was always getting compliments on my looks from different people and my mother was proud. She claims that she will always be proud of me, but deep in my heart I don't believe that she would be as happy with me if I had to wear a wig. She pretty much told me so herself tonight. She said "I would still love you and be proud of you, but no, I would not be happy to know that you lost your hair and are wearing a wig. And that is something that will never change." I wish she didn't have to be this way. It is so painful for me and I cry just thinking about it. I am still the same person, with or without this hair. I wish she could accept me and still be happy with me, regardless of how I look.
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Comment by Carol on November 5, 2008 at 10:01pm
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Wow, that was a trip down memory lane...
I can honestly say that I truly understand how you feel! My mom was Malibu Barbie and was all about the money, the looks and keeping up with the Jones'. To her I was ugly, fat, stupid, blah blah blah.... I moved out when I was 16 and stopped talking to her in my early 20's after my dad passed away. I haven't felt happier since! I'm not saying you should stop talking to your mom or anything cause there are days where I would truly appreciate one - but one that would comfort me instead of put me down. One that would accept me for who I am instead of worrying about making me someone else. You're just going to have to lay it all out on the line and tell her exactly how you feel and you will have to let her know that there will be friction between you both until this is settled. Also let her know that this is not her fault and that you don't blame her. If she's not very educated on androgenetic alopecia then get her some reading material and maybe even consider going to a support group meeting with her.
As a friend of mine once told me, it doesn't matter who it is, put poison people aside. Poison people are those who view everything in a negative way and can't find the beauty in anything. They complain and pull everyone in their paths down with them. Although it's sad to see them sink deeper and deeper into the quicksand, at least they aren't dragging you in with them. The longer you watch them sink, the more of your precious time you have wasted before reaching your goal - your own private oasis! Good luck, hope everything works out for the best! :)
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Comment by Georgie on November 6, 2008 at 12:36am
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Oy. My Mom died when I was 7...BUT my Dad turned out to be the thorn in my side. I didn't want him to know about my AA except that my brother accidentally told him. My Dad thought something was very wrong with me and as usual he tried to blame my husband for it. *sigh* I have not shared with him any of my further hair loss or the treatments I have undergone. We haven't spoken since the beginning of the year since my sister, brother and I have given up all hope on him and his attitude toward us and life. It's too much negativity. Life is so much better when I don't have to cross paths with him.
That being said, once I grew up and moved away I worked hard at trying to figure out my image. My father had no clue of course and at times it was pretty bad. I cannot believe how bad some of my hairstyles were our the stuff I used to wear. And honestly, if it gets to the point where I cannot deal with covering my bald patches then I'll just have to wig it I guess. Or whatever....scarf? As long as my skin looks great and I can fit into my jeans, then life is good. I think it would be fun to try a wig or wigs! Get the hair style I've always wanted but never could...
Surround yourself with people who love you and care for you. It's hard when it's a parent that adds undue stress to a situation we just can't control. Limit your contact with your Mom if you can. And be open about your feelings like....."it really hurts me when I listen to criticisms about my situation." Heck, we all have enough emotional turmoil to deal with on our own and we don't need extra from anyone else.
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Comment by rj, Co-founder on November 6, 2008 at 3:47am
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As a non-alopecian with three daughters as well as an alopecic and adorable fiancee, I'm afraid that I have to agree with Bogie on this one. If you're of age, then the time has probably come for you to put some breathing room between you and your mother. No doubt, Mom has the best intentions, but many a road to destruction has been paved with that stuff. Better to cut the umbilical cord now than continue risking your entire relationship. Some tough love from your end wouldn't hurt, either.
As far as men are concerned, I have always taught my daughters, who are now ages 21, 16 and 14, that men who talk to and TREAT you like you're beautiful matter; all the rest are irrelevant. Love will always find you, if you love yourself.
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Comment by Maygensmom on November 6, 2008 at 12:39pm
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WOW! Your blog is very powerful, especially to a mother of a daughter who suffers from AA. Unlike your mother, I suppose, I started dealling with Maygen's alopecia at the age of 3. I will undoubtedly admit that I was vain to a degree about outer beauty. I was a cheerleader all through HS and then for a bit in college, a homecoming nominee, and Miss CHS of my school. I was always complimented on my looks, especially my HAIR!!! I was long and so shiny and healthy and dark and full. When Maygen started to loose her hair at 2.5, I figured that God was trying to teach me a lesson about vanity and how that the one true beauty is what is developed and nurtured on the inside. It is the beauty that will illuminate on the outside. For a couple of years I didn't even realize she didn't have hair, she was just my baby girl. I would hold her and hug her and tell her.....baby you do not have to have hair to be beautiful, you are already the most beautiful little girl in the world. She believed it and did not let it slow her down.
At the age of 5 her hair grew back. We used steroid drops. I think by this time it had grown back and then she had lost it again and then it grew back again. When I started her on alergy meds (Singular) she seemed to loose less hair. However, she still lost patches seasonally. Now she is 13 and going through the major hair loss. At least 60% of her hair is gone on her head. I can not get into a dermatologist until January. I am freaking out. I would get onto her for not remembering to take her vitamins or alergy pill or extra iron supplement. Now I realize that looking at it from your point of view....I could be driving her crazy and making her feel that this disease AA runs our lives. I would not ever want my baby girl ever to think of me as shallow. I will learn from your mother's mistakes and do a better job building my daughter into a strong young lady. I also told Maygen not to worry, and we picked out a beautiful wig together and false eyelashes, and eyebrown just in case she looses all her hair like she did when she was 3.
One last thing...although you suffer from AA.....even non AA daughters are beaten down at times by their mothers. My mother insulted me on a regular basis... I promised myself that I would be a better mother.....and without a doubt, I know that I am. You make yourself that same promise. Learn from your mother's mistakes. You WILL meet the man that will love YOU for YOU. He will see the inner beauty, he will be your best friend, and you will have a wonderful family. If this is what you want in life, do not let AA or your mom keep you from getting it. The best part is that you will have a man that loves YOU for YOU, when so many women loose their men because they gain a little weight or change to some degree. I have a dear friend and she lost her hair after each of her children were born. Her husband never stopped loving her, but SHE NEVER stopped loving HERSELF!!! Love YOURSELF first, others will follow suit.
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Comment by Mandy on November 7, 2008 at 1:04pm
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Alexandra,
I know how you must be feeling. But it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you know your mother is in the wrong. Knowing that, just try to rise above and don't let her bother you. Have you told her how she makes you feel? Because if not, that's something that I think you really need to do. Tell her exactly how she's making you feel and tell her what you want from her as a mother. Perhaps try to get her onto this website so she can learn more about alopecia and those who have it.
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