Comment by Tiffany P on July 22, 2010 at 7:47pm

We can not and should not try to be going out of our way to make other people feel comfortable its nonsense. they dont shave their head for us or ask us how we feel about them staring or assuming we are sick. I will not go out my way and be miserable because they feel uneasy about my lack of hair. I am ME and with or without hair i will continue to be ME. So please dont torture yourself with these thoughts. your beautiful either way and you havent changed inside and thats what counts. So i hope you get thru this period and realize that anyone would be lucky to know you, you may not have hair but you have a heart and thats way more important :o)

Comment by Amy on July 22, 2010 at 7:59pm

Thank you so much for your post, Amber!!! It's amazing (and a bit eerie!) to see someone describe how I feel so perfectly!! I'm a recent Alopecian, and I shaved my head last week - I'm wearing a wig at work, but it's not hugely comfortable, so I'm wearing hats/bandannas out and about most of the time... It's a learning experience!

Comment by Tallgirl on July 22, 2010 at 10:10pm

I try to take the broader picture...like, who am I to God, eternity, time, geneaology, to my family...and, to whom do I really answer? Not the Town Idiots. Where I live may change, and the problem of The Others could come up over and over, as it obviously does with you. So, I think we have to do what will work best for the people most important to us ONLY. If we have their love and support, The Others can just become scenery or movie extras, fading into the distance. Occasionally, coworkers or students we teach temporarily have to become part of the important people, because we are with them daily. But, even they are not as long-lasting as family and close friends. We won't remember much about them or neighbors after we move on to new jobs, schools or cities. Even though we may have to do things while the children are vulnerable to teasing (even when a parent gets teased!), once the children are grown, decisions can become more firm. You are your own best friend! Decide who you are, and stick with you!

Comment by Mary on July 23, 2010 at 1:06am

You put your finger on it, Amber! I struggled with this question for months when I lost my hair, and now, after two and a half years, I know who I am....I'm a woman who doesn't have any hair and who has a shiny bald head that's occasionally covered with a scarf or cap. I've gotten used to the attention being bald brings, and I even feel exotic and special because of it, in a weird way. When I see I picture of myself with hair, I don't feel that it's me. Very strange.

Comment by Norm on July 23, 2010 at 7:45am

I totally "get" what you say, Mary - that was exactly my experience back in he '70's! Eventually being bald becomes your USP, doesn't it? So it's a case of "make the most of who you are... use your physical attributes to your advantage"! I feel kinda cheated these days because bald guys are so common... I'll have to come up with some other attention-grabbing idea... ;)

Amber, to your original question: the Essential You is the natural, bald one. How can it be any different? Donning wigs, scarves and hats is just another form of clothing.... as with clothes, you wear whatever's appropriate for the occasion - suit, T and jeans, swimwear, whatever. But underneath is the Real You, the one who's always the same. You're not "fooling" people with the wigs, you're just "fitting into" the social event or whatever.
As for the attention.... that's only cos it's unusual to see a bald woman (for now!). People aren't looking because they scorn you or disapprove, it's the same thing they do when the latest Ford drives past.... they go "ooh, look" in their heads. But once they've seen it a few times, they stop looking and it's just another car. Same with bald men, now... nobody notices. It'll be the same with girls too, soon! :)

Comment by David A on July 23, 2010 at 8:42am

Amber,
Your post really resonates with me. Once my hair was all gone I also found myself struggling with the question of 'Who am I?' My hair has since grown back but strangely that same question continues to haunt me. The experience I went through changed me. My hair returning didn't just magically change me back either. I'm still exploring that experience and trying to make sense of it for myself.

What Tiffany wrote, " I am ME and with or without hair i will continue to be ME", is something I told myself all the time, as I was moving closer and closer to shaving my remaining hair. And it is of course true. Yet with so many gotcha's. A 'on the surface' example was, most of my clothes no longer seemed to look right on me without my hair. Personal interactions changed. People from much more conservative backgrounds started interacting with me more, often with disappointing results ;) Conversely I had to work harder to be accepted/noticed in certain social circles that I were previously more open to me.

Mary, your comment, "When I see I picture of myself with hair, I don't feel that it's me. Very strange." is also resonate. As much as I didn't feel like myself with a bald head at the time, it still seemed in a way more "real." An interesting contradiction. Shortly after my headshave, I went with my girlfriend to look at wigs. I found one that was almost the same as my hairstyle (pre-shaving of course;)) I tried it on and immediately knew I wouldn't be buying it. It was like I was looking at a parody of myself.

Comment by Amber W. on July 23, 2010 at 11:23am

Thanks, everyone, for your comments! It's definitely interesting to read your take on things. I love hearing your own stories and the things you've learned while dealing with Alopecia. Knowing there are others with the same feelings as me is such a great source of strength.

Comment by Alliegator on July 23, 2010 at 11:32am

Your post resonates with me as well. I like what Norm wrote! I hope it is the same with girls too one day! And that people stop thinking we are sick or have cancer.

You mentioned making people uncomfortable... Have you heard of Miss Delaware? She used to never wear wigs if I remember correctly, but she is now wearing wigs to make people comfortable. Also so she can be approachable to everyone because she is going for Miss America. She has taken her wig off on TV so it's not like she is hiding or fooling people. I agree with Norm... just look at it as another form of clothing! And like Mary said... maybe one day we will all be accustomed to the attention that we get for being bald!

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