Comment by KIM - Jessica's Mom on April 22, 2009 at 9:23pm

This may sound harsh but...... Is there any way you can pull him from Daycare? It'll get easier for him when he's a bit older to deal with the AA until then he needs to feel safe with you! My best advise. Good luck!

Comment by Tenille Gee on April 22, 2009 at 9:41pm

I have a four year old daughter who goes to a preschool with a few children with special needs. One of which is severely down syndrome and has a tracheotomy, needs someone there at all times and he is not able to speak. My advice to you is figure out the kids that are supportive of him, who are his friends and who enjoy spending time with him, my daughter is one of the closest ones to the little boy in her class and it makes me very proud but I have learned that unfortunately not all PARENTS are accepting of differences and therefore their kids aren't either. What I would do in your situation is focus on the children that he does enjoy spending time with, arrange play dates, or whatever you can outside of daycare as well and talk to him about the kids that he enjoys spending time with in class, who dont make an issue of his hair or lack thereof and tell him not to worry about the others. It is extremely hard, however, I think that pulling him from the daycare is just going to make it that much harder when he is in school and has to deal with it. Teach him some things to say to the other kids when they ask him. ie: "I am happy with who I am, it doesn't matter if I have hair or not" Explain the condition to him in words that he can understand. I have alopecia myself and my kids understand what it is and why I wear wigs and such and they don't care whether I have hair or not. Also, ensure that he knows, every day that you love him Sooooo much whether he has hair or not, and the people that matter in his life, don't care about such silly things as that.

Best of luck, unfortunately, kids can be mean but the sooner you teach him how to react, and that those kids are just the ones that you either have to educate or ignore, the better off he is going to be as he gets older and the kids get tougher. Best of luck, keep us all informed.

Comment by Cindy on April 23, 2009 at 7:47am

Hi Emily, sorry to hear you son is having an issue with a few kids in daycare. As hard as it is to explain Alopeica to a bunch of 4 years olds can you go into the classroom and talk to the class about it. And have you thought of sending a letter home to the parents so they can sit with their child and explain Alopeica to them. There are resources available to you from NAFF and CAP that can help you do this. I would reinforce to your son that he is no different then any other typical child his age. That just because he has no hair it does not mean he can't do anything he wants. I would reach out to the parents of the kids who he is friends with for support for both your son and you. It would be nice to have a parent you can talk to about it if you are having a moment and need to vent. There is a CAP conference in Aug in PA, Alopeicapalooza and it is geared towards the kids and there will be speakers and many things for the kids. It maybe something to consider so your son can meet other kids with Alopeica. take care,Cindy

Comment by Galvin on April 23, 2009 at 12:43pm

I had a 4 or 5 year old approach me once and asked "what happened to your hair?" I told him I was
allergic to hair. He asked, "are you allergic to mine?" I just smiled and the the kid walked away.
I really feel sorry for your boy being shy. I know as a shy kid that alopecia can be very restraining as
far as staying away from activities outside of our comfort zone. Everybody gets questions about
hair not just alopecians. It can be so hard trying to hide the sadness which some people mistake
for weakness and then you have problems.

I looked for inspiration from great athletes and leaders....like Jack Dempsey said, "the best defense is a good offense." Or
General George Patton said, "give it to them loud and dirty, that way they will remember it".
At this point my advice would be not to show him YOUR sadness, give him some tools to deal
with questions.

Comment by Nicole Mosley on April 23, 2009 at 4:21pm

Honestly, the advice above is good but a little naive. If we as adults think small children, who lack our level of compassion and reasoning, will hear something which basically ends with our saying to them "Ok, now go be nice" that our kids will do so. That's just not how kids work when their parents are not around.

And as a kid, I would never want to be singled out by my teachers as the subject for any reason, especially when it comes to something so personal. I remember a girl with scabies came to our school when I was 7 and the teacher gave a long talk about it. At the end of it, we were totally grossed out and stayed away from her because all we heard was parasites. You don't want that. All those kids will hear is disease and all they know is that's a bad thing.

My 6-year old cousin is a sweetie but she says some of the cruelest things to me without even knowing it. Most have nothing to do with my hair. I'm an adult and it's difficult for me to respond appropriately because she's just a child.

One Idea: PRETEND. Does your son have a friend or a childhood cousin that he trusts and is less shy around? Tell them you want to play a game, ie PRETENDING. Ask his friend/cousin to pretend to be one of those mean or inquisitive children at daycare, give him clues but let him say whatever first comes to mind to your son, then coach your son on how he can react and respond to whatever the child says to your son. Be clear that this is only pretend. In this safe and controlled environment, you can be there with and help your son to say or do those things that will make him feel less sad and at a loss. This will also give him the confidence to handle those situations alone when he's at daycare. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE OFTEN. His confidence will continue to grow, and he'll be better prepared to face whatever comes.

All kids want to do is fit in, and not be considered weird, different or stigmatized by their classmates. You can help him learn that being different is ok, speaking up is ok, but distancing or isolating himself is not ok because he has it within himself to handle anything in a way that he can feel proud of himself :) (with your constant help of course). People will never stop being mean to us unfortunately. But staying away from all people because of a few jerks is not the answer either.

(Funny thing, I used this same technique in training my puppies to not fear other dogs. I borrowed a couple of my neighbors calm and stable dogs, placing my dogs in a safe and controlled, but initially scary, situation. But after practicing often, very soon with my constant positive reinforcement they learned there was absolutely nothing to fear! Thank Caesar Milan, not me, because he's said he's done this with his own children :)

By the way, another great home remedy my grandfather used on my dad's bald spots as a kid was to vigorously rub the green part of a ripe black walnut on the bald spot for about 2 weeks. He said he's never had them since he was a kid after his dad treated him with this... (he did say it's very uncomfortable and somewhat painful) Something in the green flesh of the black walnuts shell seemed to work.

Good luck and let us know how your son is doing :)

Comment by Galvin on May 1, 2009 at 1:00pm

I always hated it when people with pets (no kids of their own) compare them to children, geez talk
about naive.

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