Not again...please, not again

Things have been going so well. All the hair has grown back in my bald spots over the past few months with the help of cortisone injections and a tapered oral prednisone treatment. I'm all the way down to 5mg prednisone every other day. I have a derm appointment on Friday and I really thought it would be my last for a long time.

But yesterday, I looked at one of my former bald spots, just to check out the regrowth. . . and I'm pretty sure I've discovered a new spot :.(. I can't possibly go through this again. I was so on track to having all my hair back again. I stopped wearing my wig to work. I cut my hair short on Valentine's Day so that my hair looks thicker and so the new regrowth catches up with the rest of my hair. Now, I see what looks like a new spot, and I can't help but think. . . it's happening again. Please, God, not again :( I realize that with AA, the spots can come back, but damn, this soon? I can't bare the thought of wearing my wig again so soon. I came back after the holiday break starting the new year with no wig at work. I can't just start wearing it again. I just needed to vent because it hurts so bad to think about this. I don't want to go through this again so soon :.(....

I don't want to reach out to my friends or my family right now. I don't want to bother them with this. I don't want to go through all this again. I haven't posted in so long, but I'm back again, because you are the only people who truly understand. I'm so upset, but I don't want to bother anyone with this. I pray it doesn't get worse. I'm rambling and I'm crying, but I just need to get through this. I made it through yesterday after I saw the spot, but today I let myself cry over it. Sometimes, you just have to accept things. . . hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

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Comment by cho.haewon on February 20, 2011 at 11:18pm
hello julie,
i know how you feel. because i had lost 60 or 70 percent of my hair the first year i was diagnosed with alopecia. i dealt with it for two years. but after a couple years, it just started to grow back! it looked realy great and i was so grateful! so within a few months, i had almost all of my hair back. but then i noticed it started to fall out AGAIN!!! i couldnt believe it. it felt so unfair because i was coming to terms with my hair loss and then it came back so when i was starting to lose hair again, i was thinking how am i going to deal with the loss all over again. in a way, it was almost worse than the first time i was diagnosed. this rollercoaster ride of having hair loss then regrowth, then back to hair loss..... well its almost too much to bear so i really understand your frustration. all the pictures in my profile show me with my wig or me wearing my scarf. i learned to realize that the only consistency with alopecia, is that there is no consistency.... with how people respond to treatments, with how your own alopecia will manifest. i know, you feel tortured... with NOT KNOWING!! its really hard... i dont want to tell you how to feel or react, but after having regrowth and then hairloss again, i have finally realized, that i have to always be prepared for wearing my wig and be comfortable with that. of course i will always hope that one day it will all grow back, and for some people, it does.... but there is no way of telling. it feels so torturous. but the one thing you shouldnt do is feel bad for grieving. you are arent a bother to us, and we are here to listen to you. we all understand what you are going through. and im glad you had the strength to share with us.
Comment by Julie R on February 21, 2011 at 9:49am
Thanks, Haewon (I think that's your first name). It really sucks not knowing what's next. I had so much hope with my hair growing back. I thought maybe I'll have my hair back for a few years before the next traumatic experience where I lose my hair again. I almost feel like it was just too good to be true. Thanks so much for responding to my blog and for sharing your experience.
Comment by cho.haewon on February 21, 2011 at 9:28pm
You're very welcome Julie!! You know what, maybe your hair is responding to treatments, it can be growing back, but i just decided to have a different approach--to just be prepared for the hair loss so that i wouldnt be crushed. because its just so hard to put so much faith in regrowth and be let down. But everyone is different with how they cope and how they handle it. I think you are much stronger than you think... you are going thru a rough period... i just hope the best for you!! and you can always 'vent' your emotions to us whenever you need!! :)

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