Comment by Rodeli on September 29, 2011 at 1:55am

Hi Elizabeth. I think your reaction is very natural--I would have pulled away from him too. Maybe not because I would have been afraid he would pull the scarf off, but I think it is a personal boundary issue--which he seems to be lacking. What made him think he had the right to touch you without even asking you. It's funny you mention wearing a scarf to church this past weekend. I wore a scarf over my hair the past two Sundays, but over my wig. I received several compliments but I can say no one attempted to touch it. What I did find interesting was that my pastor's wife came over to me this past Sunday and after complimenting me on how beautiful my new scarf was and asking if it was one of those "African women scarves" she said to me something like "I know I shouldn't probably ask, but please tell me you are not wearing that because you are going through chemo." I was a little taken back, especially since she asked me in front of my child and some other members standing close by. We actually have a young man in our church who has leukemia and he had earlier given a testimony that he is waiting to hear back from his doctor about his latest test results to see if he has to go for chemo. So maybe that is why she asked. Ironically, when I said no I am not going through chemo, but that I was experiencing hair loss, she said thank God that I did not have cancer, that it was too bad I was experiencing hair loss, and then excused herself to go to the bathroom before her husband began the sermon. LOL! I wonder if she will mention it to other members later--I had not previously told anyone at my church. People would notice my new hair styles or colors and give me compliments, but hadn't really said anything.

Comment by Cheryl, Co-founder on September 29, 2011 at 11:25am

Hi Elizabeth, I wouldn't appreciate if someone reach out to touch my head/scarf/wig or hair either. I feel that if they would not come up to me and touch my hair they have no right to come up to me and touch my head. I have had someone touch my head a few times and I didn't really appreciate it.

On the other hand, when you make the decision to wear a scarf or go without a head covering you do need to prepare yourself to answer questions. If people see that you are comfortable enough to wear a scarf they may assume that you are open to questions. So you may want to come up with a truthful answer, even if you are too shy to use it right away, you will have it.

Comment by Elizabeth on September 30, 2011 at 12:16am

@Rodeli, Wow! I'm shocked...I can't believe she asked you that! and in front of other people,hmmmm....that's insensitive..Especially since she her first statement was "I probably should'nt ask"....Yeah she knew it was'nt her place, but she went ahead and did it anyway..sad...Hopefully she will follow the spirit of the Lord and stay quiet, because this is your business...and I'm sorry this happened to you....

Comment by Elizabeth on September 30, 2011 at 12:27am

@Cheryl, I have had a few people touch my hair, but that's usually done after a connection is established, but this guy was a stranger to me, I had'nt even said two words to him, and he's already trying to cop a feel, lol.. I do feel like people need to be more sensitive, because I've seen different things as well, but I'm not one to ask questions.

Comment by Mary on September 30, 2011 at 5:01pm

I was paranoid when I was wearing a wig (for about the 8 months that I lasted). I worried if it looked fake, or if it was going to come off. Then I slowly started going out everywhere bald.

At this point (3 years later), I just hold my head up and assume that people think I have cancer. You know what? I don't care. I've gotten to a point where I feel unique with this "look" (or in a scarf, when it's cool enough and I want to "dress up"). It's who I am now, and I don't ever feel paranoid.

I'm happy that wigs work for so many women, but I thought I'd share this response to your post just to give the perspective from someone who can't/doesn't wear one.

Comment by Elizabeth on October 1, 2011 at 1:53am

@Mary, ( You have my beautiful mom's name:) ) Thanks for sharing...I hope to one day be able to get to that place in my self esteem that I don't care about what people say...I do feel like I am becoming stronger day by day, especially since I have told a few people in church about my Alopecia, and they are keeping my self esteem in check...I thank God for people who keep my spirits lifted.

Comment by Mary on October 1, 2011 at 11:09am

It is a day by day thing, Elizabeth. I've written before on AW about taking "baby steps". Everyone just has to go at their own speed. Good luck on the journey.

Comment by Elizabeth on October 3, 2011 at 6:28pm

@Mary, Thanks so much:)

Comment by Lili on October 4, 2011 at 1:22am

I would have pulled away too... I think maybe we go into "self protection mode." You were protecting your space, and that's totally understandable, not paranoid at all IMO. Sometimes, my boyfriend rakes his hands through my hair and I ask him to please stop. I wish it wasn't this way, but I know for now that I need to self protect until I'm more comfortable. I ordered my first two wigs recently and am preparing myself for some strange reactions from other people, esp. some of my boyfriends immature friends. One in particular will probably try to touch it or pull it off, and I'll probably pull back and say "don't touch me without my permission!" or something like that. And it'll most likely just come out immediately, without much thought. A bit "crazy" perhaps, but my boundaries right now mean everything. Kudos to you for going with your scarf.

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