Comment by Tallgirl on June 21, 2009 at 12:38am

1. Maybe she is trying to validate a hurt because someone in her own family or her greatest fear about herself was challenged by seeing a confident, happy person who MIGHT have the same thing she or a relative or friend has.
2. She wants to know why you aren't puking, if she suspects it IS cancer.
3. She is confirming one side of a bet she made with her group or date.
4. She just got diagnosed, or someone she loves did, and she wants info about what will work to save a life.
5. She is stupid and unschooled in facing these things or in knowing what to say about them. She thinks this shows concern for a possibly lonely or distraught female.
6. She wants to be the one to "save" you...especially if she thinks it is her religious duty.

Comment by Katie on June 21, 2009 at 3:31am

Hi Amanda,
I understand your frustration when strangers ask personal questions, especially in front of a big group of people. It's insensitive and would irritate me too. However, I also think these people have good intentions and are probably just trying to gain info about cancer treatments.

My mom passed away recently after a 3 1/2 year battle against cancer after trying many different types of treatments. I think many cancer patients and their loved ones can easily become desperate to find a cure when they start to lose options for treatments and there is nothing left to try or do. I'm guessing the people who approached you with those questions were probably in search of a successful treatment and/or wanted to converse with someone who could relate to their struggles.

Comment by panuelo girl on June 21, 2009 at 3:21pm

I've found that most people mean well. I've been approached a lot and it's always been a cancer survivor or an active chemo patient or a family member of the survivor or patient. They want to help, to reach out, to connect, to tell you it's okay. Of course, that doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't bother me but then I've been dealing with this for a long time. I use it as an oppty to educate. Others might want to come up with an easy quip...No, I'm just allergic to my hair. something like that. I hate to be rude to these people b/c most ot them aren't trying to be cruel. I guess you have to figure out your own path. Good luck to you!

Comment by Mary on June 21, 2009 at 4:17pm

Whenever someone approaches me, it's most often a cancer survivor, or someone who lost a loved one to cancer. They are sometimes having an emotional reaction to seeing a bald woman because their ONLY reference point is cancer. I print and carry these cards and give them to people who ask about my cancer:

SIDE ONE:
It's not cancer, it's not contagious
IT'S ALOPECIA AREATA

For more information please visit:
www.baldgirlsdolunch.org

Thank you and have a nice day.

SIDE TWO:
Check out my videos on YouTube
about Alopecia Areata:

Living a Bald Life

And

Announcing the National Bald Out!

One of the main points behind my idea for The National Bald Out is to SHOW people that not every bald woman has cancer! As long as the equation is: "bald woman = cancer treatment", THAT'S how people will relate to us. As I've said on AW before, things won't change until WE change them by being visible. No one is going to change things for us - we have to do it ourselves!

I often use humor: a grocery checker asks me "What are you fighting?" I answer "Traffic". A bald man asks me "how do you get your head so nice and shiny?" I answer "I use a fine grade of sandpaper on it." Then I give them a card and raise another person's consciousness.

I understand and share your anger, Amanda. The answer is in our own hands and on our own heads. Everyone who can, please join the National Bald Out Group, and participate on July 19. Then keep doing it. Change will come.

Mary

Comment by Camille Reinecker on June 22, 2009 at 4:13pm

I know how you feel Amanda. I have also chosen to be bald for the summer because it gets so hot in So Cal, and I have had similair experiences as you. I usually just smile back at the people staring at me and they either look away or smile too. And those instances I dont mind being bald at all, I enjoy it. But there are times when people are really rude. The other day I was in a store minding my own business when a lady comes up behind me and pokes me in the back with her nails to get my attention. On my behalf I dont think anyone would react kindly to pain. So, I turned around already on my guard and she asks me right away if I was going through treatment and so on. I quickly responded "no, I have alopecia" smiled and walked away. I was in no mood to sit and explain things to her after that poke in my back. She wasnt trying to be rude but she was asking questions about my personal life and like you, dont see how she thinks she has the right to ask. I would never do that to anyone.

I agree with everyone else who has written here. The best way to deal with it is just to smile even if people dont respect your personal space, whether it be physical or emotional.

Comment by Jill on June 22, 2009 at 9:09pm

I know what you mean. I don't get the cancer question but often people asking about my wig. The thing that bothers me is when they do it in front of a large group of people. It's like they didn't even consider it might be uncomfortable for me to talk about. I am happy to tell people about my AU and I'd even be fine with telling a large group if they were all truely interested. My AU is personal to me and I don't need to tell people my business just because they happen to be in ear shot.

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