I think lack of sleep is making me temperamental.

Definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Fell asleep around 7:00 am and woke up around 10:00 am, annoyed and just cranky. I'm 8 nights away from being free from this lovely over-night position; at least 5 consecutive nights a week. I'm not good at saying no, thus why I'm staying on the schedule as On-Call. But, that's okay. At least the On-Call option gives me a choice. So I napped for a bit tonight, couple hours. I'm still tired; but at the same time I'm not. It's such a strange feeling. I started writing Minfurn a letter but alas, my OCD in terms of my handwriting got the best of me and here I am.

I moved from South Dakota to Portland last October and so I haven't seen my close friends since then; minus the visitations, which were fantastic!! But those were all before my Alopecia started... So I've been putting off telling some of my friends. Not that there is a reason why I told some before others; but needless to say I feel like it's finally time to "come clean" so to speak and just put it all out there. I do think, in a way, I was waiting until I'd visited the Dermatologist, secretly hoping he was going to tell me it was "nothing" and my hair would be growing back soon... Obviously that was not the case. [Ew, I sound bitter.] Or maybe I was just using that as an excuse as to why I wouldn't have to tell everyone, why I was putting it off? I'm not really sure but the point is, I need to stop worrying so much. My friends are my friends and I know they aren't going to care... I told my friend Kate about what's been going on, and she was uber supportive. Not that I wasn't expecting her to be. I think perhaps my anxiety is more with what friends of friends [and not-so-much friends anymore aka. immature individuals who shall remain nameless] are going to think or say or do. I just know that, and no offense Sioux Falls, SoDak, people talk to talk and gossip and just talk some more. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, or not sensitive enough. Or something. I'm also fairly certain I'm not well organized right now. I wonder if that's a side effect...

Vanessa photo-shopped a picture of me today; so we could get an idea of what I'd look like bald. I'll have to post it perhaps. I've decided to give my head-hair a little over a month... So either it will continue falling out, stay the way it is or, maybe even, grow back. I'm not very optimistic currently; which is weird because I'm typically THE most optimistic person. Ever. But yes. I think I'm going to give my head-hair until I make the loooong drive back to SD in the beginning of June to decide what it's going to do; and go from there. I'm also going to give myself that much time to think about what I want to do--- In terms of shaving my head or continue with what's going on right now. I'm annoyed because I've never been this anxious or self-conscious about anything like this before, not even with all of my scars from surgeries. I suppose the difference being I've grown up with those; whereas this just suddenly started happening. I'll be honest and say I'm leaning toward just shaving the rest off, even if it stops falling out and stays the same. With the spot in the back of my head, at this moment, I just feel as though I'd much rather cut ties, in the sense that I'd rather not have to worry or be self-conscious about it, and adjust and embrace the bald look... As I said though, my opinion/theories/feelings change so often it's hard to say what I'll think by the time I'm off work in 2 hours. None-the-less, 5 weeks. Then there's the chance it could start growing back, but again, I'd much rather not have to worry... I think I'm just really annoyed that it's such a touch-and-go type of disease, meaning I've been reading how people have had regrowth followed by it all falling out again. That's just frustrating and, to be childish briefly, so stupid! Again, I'm back to feeling as though I need to stop complaining and get over it. It could be much worse; my health is fine [knock on wood the pacemaker keeps on kickin'] and it's JUST HAIR.

Am I sounding crazy? Ew, or hypocritical?? Flipping back and forth so quickly/often makes me feel like a hypocrite. Ok, maybe not so much hypocritical but just indecisive and unstable. Double Ew to that. To best sum up this blog, I'm realizing that Alopecia is slowly consuming my life. I think about it far more than I think I should be, and am worrying even more than I think about it. But enough ranting/rambling. Time to rock out some cleaning & finish up the rest of this shift...

Happy Wednesday Folks.