Comment by allets on September 6, 2010 at 7:33pm

I've definitely been doing this!

But, my goal isn't romance, it's returning to school. I live in one of those small towns where "everybody knows your name". Since alopecia struck two years, I've been "wishin', hopin', thinkin', prayin', plannin', dreamin', talkin', cryin', mournin'" that it would improve, and I could return to "normal" life. But, it isn't happenin'! Shucks! I just can't seem to move forward and get unstuck. :( (guess I need some Icky Sticky Unstuck? ha ha)

I'm beginning to accept the idea that alopecia will be forever for me.

Okay, back to the topic at hand...romance! :) Who's next?? :)

Comment by Marisa on September 6, 2010 at 8:45pm

thought provoking as usual. =0)

Comment by Devin on September 7, 2010 at 5:28pm

I can relate to this. I haven’t dated for five years. It just does something to my confidents. People will tell me that women are not that superficial, but it’s not about not being able to date someone. It’s about the way it makes you feel about yourself. When I first loss my hair I was dating someone and that was different than starting a new relationship. I find it hard to even put it into words, but I just dont feel pretty! haha. I find that it is just easier to be alone.

Comment by Heather L on September 7, 2010 at 10:34pm

Wow- Tallgirl you are "messing" my comfortable state of denial! :) I do think in the big picture that hair should not play a part in how you live your life or the choices you make... however logic and emotion are not always on the same page!! I have been definitely allowing AA to keep me from dating! I do still have hair ... which is covering about 12 spots and hopefully shielding my receding temples....

I think that I live in a space of always waiting for the other shoe to drop! When is the day it's all gone... or will it grow back.. .that lack of control creates huge amounts of insecurity and vulnerability..... and
the thought of a relationship amps those feelings. So for me it becomes much easier to just "not deal"

I really do not allow any thoughts of AA lasting forever.... perhaps that is the problem? I often assume that to make peace with it would allow for acceptance- but no clue how to do that! :)

Comment by Tallgirl on September 8, 2010 at 9:29pm

Heather, they say that even female executives are vulnerable to feelings about family and love, so we shouldn't feel alone in this. Once we experience hurt and all the toll that hurt can take (on sensible thought, sleep, diet, holding things without dropping them, remembering errands...), even once...we know what can happen. You are right: not dealing is safety from possible hurt. For me, a doctor told me that after a long time with AT or AU in the older years, it usually means hair will never grow back. So, I have had to accept. Since I have already had a marriage and children, it's like I already slid into home plate on the expectations for my generation, and I can be single again with no one pressuring me. Now, at my age, I do not have parents to please, so my choices are my own.

Sometimes, I pretend that the Worst Case Fear has already happened, and I have to continue my life only from THAT point onward. So, saying MY HAIR HAS ALREADY GONE FOREVER to myself in the mirror makes my mirror-self say back, "Okay. Now what?" I live my life that way, and anything else would just be a surprise. Or a Gift.

Now, I would have to date only those who would accept me as both bald and wigged.
And yes, I still back off when there is another woman in the picture. I do not feel strong or worthy enough to fight, nor is fighting worth it. A man will choose whom he will choose...

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