Comment by Brian on May 11, 2013 at 9:21pm

Confidence in your appearance is the first step. I know that this far easier said than done. People get attached to their identity with hair. When the hair is gone, so goes that identity. An identity that was taken away without warning and without choice. Resentfulness sets in as does a whole flurry of other negative emotions. Losing the hair is a physical trait that's gone. Because hair is one of the primary ways that women mold their identities, without the hair it's difficult to set up a new bald identity as society is not very accepting of baldness in women. I personally have no problem with baldness in women or men.

Wigs can help, but they cause their own problems (i.e., securing them, finding one that looks real, comfort, etc). However, women with hair have worn wigs for ages for many reasons. Some like to change their looks frequently based on their moods. Others prefer not styling their own hair. There are many reasons for wearing wigs. Wigs aren't really the problem as it's socially acceptable for women to wear a wig. Any woman wearing a wig would never be considered in 'drag'. With or without hair, if a wig enhances your appearance, go for it. 

The emotions of losing the hair can lead to negative thoughts and emotions which are easy to dwell upon. Instead, you should focus on the positives in your life such as your health, your relationships, your friends, your family, your career and the things you have. Focus on the things you can control and that really matter to you. Basically, don't let your hair loss put your life on hold. Once you let hair loss control you as a victim, this leads you to this emotional place you're in now.  Instead, take back control over your life. Your friends like you for who you are. Start to like yourself the way you are now so you can lead yourself to a positive place where you can be happy, healthy and feel good about the way you look with or without hair.

One of the first ways to learn to ignore what other people say. Only what you think matters, everyone else's opinion is secondary and irrelevant. If someone has a problem with your appearance, that's their problem and not yours. If you know you look good, their opinion is irrelevant to your life. If this person continues to impose their negative comments upon you, tell them that's their problem and to keep their comments to themselves. Confidence in your appearance goes a long way. If you know you look good and you show everyone else that confidence, you'll rarely negative get comments no matter what you do.

Comment by KFlame on May 12, 2013 at 4:59am

Thank you Brian Ill have to come read this every time I feel bit bad - with me the alopecia has been there all my life it was not sudden so I believed that I had no real attachment to my hair as such. That's why I often don't understand if its the loss so to say or perfectly natural way to think.
I have heard many times about how woman use their hair as their identity and I guess they do, maybe the fact I see some girls with great styles and I can't copy them with out spending £100 min every time...
My boyfriend was happy to have me stand next to him no matter what I think of myself... Think I need to save up get myself a new wig :) change my own image again... I just wish the government would fix prices for alopecia. I don't mind paying its just so expensive to get a decent one...

Comment by Yuri Kim on May 12, 2013 at 6:25pm

Things are really going to be okay, for both of the issues which you stated.. as you said weight is controllable, and you can get your hair back once you feel good about yourself and accept it as it is also apply your medication, I am saying this and I am just trying just like any alopecian..  Feel good about yourself :)

Comment by michelle on May 12, 2013 at 9:47pm

Hi...not sure how long you have been struggling with Alopecia.  I  am almost 50 and up until 2 years ago I had a long thick mane of hair.  As of January I don't have a single hair on my body.  Losing my hair wasn't a little deal...it was and still is a HUGE deal.   Brian, intellectually what you suggest makes sense.   However, it is really important to realize that this isn't simple.  For me my identity isn't wrapped up in my hair.  I'm not all about my hair.  Yes I am a wonderful, smart, wise, skilled woman...blah, blah.......Quite drastically my physical appearance has changed.  This is a huge loss.  Giving myself permission to grieve has been the key.  I have good AU days and some not so good.   I appreciate what you are saying about the wig.  No wig will replace my hair...I find wigs quite uncomfortable and am always conscious of my AU with a wig on....

Here is one of my helpful 'mirror' tips....when I look in the mirror I smile....my eye goes to the smile and away from my hairless head:)

Comment by Lexi on May 12, 2013 at 10:11pm

Oh, I understand the drag queen thing.  First hand.  I met this guy while wearing a wig.  We saw eachother again, and at one point in the evening he was acting weird and looking at me.  He finally confessed he was checking to see if I had an Adams Apple because he assumed I was wearing  wig.  I was mortified, but tried not to let on, and tried not to let it ruin the night.  But it did, deep down inside.  I have never forgotten that night.  I used to feel sexy and confident in wigs, until that night.

Comment by Brian on May 12, 2013 at 10:31pm

Hi Lexi,

Maybe I'm from a different generation, but I don't see anything wrong with women wearing wigs. But, I will admit that if the wig doesn't appear natural, it can be a problem. So, yes, the quality of the wig and the style of the cut does make the difference in appearance. In other words, natural looking wigs with an up-to-date style make anyone look their best. Hair that looks synthetic on wig stands out and will look unnatural.  So, for any wig, you'd have to expect to pay a fair amount of money to get a wig with a natural look and cut.

It was also very crass of that guy to even suggest that you may be a guy let alone comment on the fact that you were wearing a wig. Perhaps he's been hit on by guys in drag in the past, but then I would have turned the questioning back around on him. In what situations would this guy have ever been in to be hit on by a guy in drag? Seriously, if he's the type of guy that hangs around in places where he can be hit on by guys in drag, you probably don't really want to date him. Or possibly, he is one of those guys who likes dressing in drag? The fact that he even brought up that point of conversation during a date is questionable at best.

Hi Michelle,

Changing your personal outlook about yourself is a slow steady progression.  It doesn't happen overnight. You have to make positive affirmations daily to help make that change little by little. Everyone has to like learn to themselves and their appearance to let themselves be happy. I think everyone would like to look like someone else. The media doesn't help this much either by constantly flaunting perfect bodies on magazine covers.  Even those people who appear to be perfect still have insecurities about their own looks. It's just what society has taught us. The point. Positive affirmations about yourself combined with ignoring what other people think will lead you towards your own personal happiness and acceptance of your appearance. That doesn't mean you don't stop searching for answers or a cure, but it does mean that you can take pride and show confidence in your appearance no matter what you are wearing.

Comment by KFlame on May 13, 2013 at 1:28am

I have had alopecia all my life, I am 31 and can't remember a time of not having it... I think that has it's advantages, as in a way I know no different. Although I always had very patchy hair throughout childhood and teens.., until about 21 when it all started to go... Sadly I am at the stage I am past medication, I don't even bother going the hospital any more.

Which is why I say I don't understand if it is the alopeica or the fact that I do miss my hair, I do get hair envy... I actually think at times there is a deeper issue, and I am using my appearance as an excuse, I hate myself as I don't like the way I look, but maybe there is something else whats amiss and I can't put my finger on it.

But Brian is right he is my new agony uncle lol Just need sometimes a stranger to put you on the right path...Only we can make ourselves happy and I will indeed learn to just smile in the mirror instead of frown.

Comment by Dena on May 13, 2013 at 1:46am

I agree with Brian. If you don't like the way you look in your wig, find one that you do. That could take some looking, but it will make a world of difference. A lot of people wear wigs these days. My daughter has Alopecia, so people are always confessing to me about their wigs, fake eyelashes, tattooed eyebrows. These are people I have know for a while and never suspected they were wearing a wig. Sounds like you could use a boost in your confidence and the best way to do that is to feel good about those things you can change. There are so many options out there to try. As far as the jerk you were talking about, just be glad he showed his true colors from the beginning. I wouldn't care what someone like that thinks. It sounds like it is time for you to be proactive and try some things. I know this is hard to do when you are depressed, but I am sure your confidence will improve once you do.

Comment by Bety on May 13, 2013 at 6:09pm

I have had Alopecia since I was 16-17 I am 42 now, lost my hair 3 times, this time I know I wont get it back. I think beauty has to come from within, how you see yourself is how people is going to see you, you are in charge of your own happiness and a bunch of hair shouldn't hold you back... I can go on and on, but truth be told it is really hard to be different, to be an alien in this world (because that is how I feel sometimes) Everyone is different in how we cope with a loss and how we grieve that loss, my best advise to you: live one day at a time, today. I do agree with trying to control the things that you can control. First time I lost my hair, I tried to compensate the hair loss with how my body looked, and I have to say it worked. You have to find what really works for you, best of luck and we are here to support each other :)

Comment by Abgail on May 15, 2013 at 8:42am

I have alopecia and I used to think and something still think that way.. But I think its normal for me anyways....Since I always put myself down alot. And that includes comparing myself to other people.And how I can't look good without paying alot. Though now a days I started to like my style. It may not be top modal quality or high standards but its my style.Whether its wigs to going out bald.

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