Shock, pain and raw emotions...the good the bad and the ugly

I have been losing the most hair ever lately. One shower episode lead to two full handfull of hair plus two brush fulls. It was strange I didn't cry. But...my husband took a look at the back of my hair the other day. He was pointing out where all the spots were. I asked him to take me up to the mirror to show me...I was shocked and devastated. The back of my head looked as though a lawn mower had attacked it...awful. I bawled...I mean just bawled. It was a down to the bottom of my toes bawl where you have no more tears to cry...I can't remember the last time I've done major crying like this. The top of my head is bad. I have a spot the size of a baseball followed with it's little sisters sprouting up everywhere. I am officially hat, scarf and soon to be wig bound. I'm scared at these possibilites, sad about it, and sometimes down right pissed off that this is happening to me!
I am pretty controlled for the most part. I don't obsess in the mirror anymore. Instead, avoidance of looking in the mirror for bald spots has helped me cope. But...I'm getting into the "can't hide it anymore" stage. A stage that you think of and try to prepare for when you first get the diagnosis...it's HEEEERRRE. It sucks. I still have a majority of great days. I smile, laugh, play and go out...life goes on. It's just the anxiousness of preparing to go in public. I was slightly anxious about this when I had hair and now...sucks.
I have a plan in terms of wigs, but I still have the butterfly, sick to my stomach feeling, when I think about going to the pool with the kids...what do you do? Camping? Working out? Going to bed with the hubby? UGHHHHHH. There are solutions I know. Acceptance is key. Most days I'm okay with acceptance...but there are moments...like the nightly routine, or the wind blowing, etc.
I am finding in all this and after even some bad moments that I'm still me, sometimes it shocks me...I'm stronger than I think I am.
Jesus is my rock in all of this although he has heard some nasty comments thrown at him during the "why me" times. I still have gained a better relationship and trust in him that was lacking before the AA hit. He has a plan for me and I am listening. I still will be me regardless in the end...whenever this will end.

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Comment by Natalie on April 27, 2009 at 12:29am
Hi Jenn- When I was readying your blog, I felt like I was reading a page from my own journal. It saddens me to hear about your alopecia, but please know that you will come out of this on top and absolutely beautiful and stronger than you ever imagined! I literally DREADED showering because of the handfuls of hair that would fall out, and I also tried to avoid looking at my bald spots as much as humanly possible. When my dermatologist prescribed a steroid cream for me to apply on my spots twice a day this past January, I no longer could remain in denial. Looking at my worst enemy every day was enough to throw me into panic attacks. I would cry all the time- in the car, in the shower, at mealtimes. I actually had to go to the doctor to help me deal with my panic attacks- I felt like NOTHING in my life was in my control. When I was trying to describe my grief to my boyfriend, the best way I could think of it was that it felt like I was truly losing a part of myself, or a best friend. I grieved. And after almost 9 years, I have finally accepted it and am the absolute happiest I have been in a very long time. You will get there too on your own time, but I want you to know that you are not alone in your journey :) It is very courageous of you to even write this blog and talk about your emotions- that is really difficult to do, so I know that you will get through!!! Please let me know if you ever want to chat or have any questions :)
Take care,
Natalie
Comment by Erin on April 27, 2009 at 12:02am
I have had so many of these feelings.. oh where to start.. I used to bathe and there would be balls and clumps of my hair all over the tub after, it was heartbreaking. I am so sorry you are so sad.. it is not fair it is true. And you have the right to feel angry and sad and even empowered hopefully.
Your husband will love you. your kids will love you, you will be self concious, I have done this for a long time and still and self concious but you slowly feel better and better and it is normal..
Swimmming... You won't go under water.. at least I can't in my wigs, you will have an old one eventually you can wear and not worry about wrecking it, just pull it into a bun and go.. it will be fine. or go bald, I still only do that rarely, it is all how comfortable you are. Working out.. I work out at home, I agree, wearing a wig is to hot, I quit all sports in high school for this reason, it sucks.
Camping, again use an old wig, they hold in camp fire smell haha. you will adjust. you are strong, we all are.
sometimes it is a joyus thing, for me anyway, not all bad, for me the strentgh the knowing i am more than my hair and am fine without it does outweigh having it. maybe that is just because I have had it for so long. anyway.
i hope you feel better soon, i am sorry it is happening to you. if i can help you with wigs or anything let me know. :)
Comment by Jeff W on April 26, 2009 at 11:47pm
Hi Jenn,
So sorry to hear that your hair loss continues. As you know I've been going through this on a very similar timeline to yourself. I have been fortunate to share in your blogs as well as both your frustrations and victories in dealing with this. I am absolutely certain that you will find a way to continue to enjoy all of the things that are important to you in life. The way you've worked through everything so far is admirable shows just how strong you are. Belle of the Ball no matter what!

Jeff

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