Alopecia World
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Thank you, Alopecia World!
Just when I think I'm getting somewhere - that I'm ok with this losing hair malarky, I'm over being upset, life goes on, I've accepted it now, etc etc - it seems another bout of anguish comes from no where!
I hadn't cried for ages - even when I realised just recently that during my blissful mini break from obsessive daily checking (while I'd happily convinced myself that having just one bald patch meant I must only have a mild case of alopecia, and therefore it would all be over and forgotten about soon...) in fact, new bald patches had developed. That was fine, though. That's what happens with alopecia. But that's fine.
Tonight, however, it wasn't fine.
Earlier, I examined my scalp and realised that a few more new patches had joined the others. The shedding seems to have accelerated again. I've been lucky so far - the most significant baldness is at the back, and as my hair was quite long and thick, I could hide it with clever styling.(Well, a tight low pony-tail; not that clever really!) Now the patches are moving more forwards, and spreading more towards the crown. If it carries on in this way, in another month or so, it might be impossible to hide.
And for some reason, that suddenly seems impossible to bear again. In a couple of weeks, I am starting a new job at a magazine, which would be nerve-racking enough at the best of times. My confidence is aleady shakey - this is quite a big step for me, as it means moving back to the city I moved away from earlier in the year. I'd been the victim of a violent crime, and needed time out to recover physically and mentally.
I've been building up to this point for months now. Alopecia couldn't have chosen a worse time to strike!
And tonight the tears came thick and fast. But I think I needed a good cry, as I feel relieved now.
I turned on my computer, and was tempted to go through all my old photos - to look at all those pictures of me and my hair in happy times - all those styles that have dressed me up for parties, helped me put on the dazzle at dancing shows, made me feel special on occasions - grieving for the hair (and confidence?) I'm losing. Funny isn't it - how I used to moan! About my hair going frizzy in the heat, or looking limp, or not doing as it's meant to when I've styled it. Now that it's leaving me, I couldn't have loved it more! It was perfect. It was mine.
But, I didn't look at the photos. Instead, I logged on to Alopecia World, and read some of the discussion boards, where within seconds I can see I'm not the only person crying over shedded hair, and worrying how I'll cope without it. Then I read some blogs, and am reminded that it really is fine. Alopecia really isn't the end of the world - in fact, for a lot of the veterans on here, in so many ways it seems to have unlocked new and wonderful paths, positive things. Some of the things I've read on this site are so insightful and inspiring - not only in relation to hairloss, but to life in general - and to think I'd never have read them had I not found a bald patch...
I've dried my tears. No doubt more will come in the future! But I'm going to sleep tonight with renewed hope. Not that my hair will stop falling out (as I desperately hoped when it first started), but that I will be able to deal with it, come what may.
It's my hair, not my life.
Thank you everybody x
I hadn't cried for ages - even when I realised just recently that during my blissful mini break from obsessive daily checking (while I'd happily convinced myself that having just one bald patch meant I must only have a mild case of alopecia, and therefore it would all be over and forgotten about soon...) in fact, new bald patches had developed. That was fine, though. That's what happens with alopecia. But that's fine.
Tonight, however, it wasn't fine.
Earlier, I examined my scalp and realised that a few more new patches had joined the others. The shedding seems to have accelerated again. I've been lucky so far - the most significant baldness is at the back, and as my hair was quite long and thick, I could hide it with clever styling.(Well, a tight low pony-tail; not that clever really!) Now the patches are moving more forwards, and spreading more towards the crown. If it carries on in this way, in another month or so, it might be impossible to hide.
And for some reason, that suddenly seems impossible to bear again. In a couple of weeks, I am starting a new job at a magazine, which would be nerve-racking enough at the best of times. My confidence is aleady shakey - this is quite a big step for me, as it means moving back to the city I moved away from earlier in the year. I'd been the victim of a violent crime, and needed time out to recover physically and mentally.
I've been building up to this point for months now. Alopecia couldn't have chosen a worse time to strike!
And tonight the tears came thick and fast. But I think I needed a good cry, as I feel relieved now.
I turned on my computer, and was tempted to go through all my old photos - to look at all those pictures of me and my hair in happy times - all those styles that have dressed me up for parties, helped me put on the dazzle at dancing shows, made me feel special on occasions - grieving for the hair (and confidence?) I'm losing. Funny isn't it - how I used to moan! About my hair going frizzy in the heat, or looking limp, or not doing as it's meant to when I've styled it. Now that it's leaving me, I couldn't have loved it more! It was perfect. It was mine.
But, I didn't look at the photos. Instead, I logged on to Alopecia World, and read some of the discussion boards, where within seconds I can see I'm not the only person crying over shedded hair, and worrying how I'll cope without it. Then I read some blogs, and am reminded that it really is fine. Alopecia really isn't the end of the world - in fact, for a lot of the veterans on here, in so many ways it seems to have unlocked new and wonderful paths, positive things. Some of the things I've read on this site are so insightful and inspiring - not only in relation to hairloss, but to life in general - and to think I'd never have read them had I not found a bald patch...
I've dried my tears. No doubt more will come in the future! But I'm going to sleep tonight with renewed hope. Not that my hair will stop falling out (as I desperately hoped when it first started), but that I will be able to deal with it, come what may.
It's my hair, not my life.
Thank you everybody x
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Comment by Samantha Callaway on September 23, 2011 at 2:57am
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Its impossible to say how much I feel your pain. Especially when you have to deal with the motions over and over again. You get to a point where you can only think, "how much more can I take?" The stories on here are touching and I can't even believe how lucky it is to have a chance with hair, but its so hard getting a grasp on new growth and start to feel like the world isn't so harsh to have it ripped out with a single drawn out motion. You eternally have my respect and support. I wish you nothing but luck.
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Comment by Bald and Fabulous AKA Terri on September 23, 2011 at 12:34pm
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I too have come from that time of "what on earth am I gong to do without my hair" I still remember the morning that I woke and was getting ready for work and found a new spot right in front in my bangs, no way to hide it. I started balling, I went to work in tears and begged my boss for a job that kept me away from people. (I work in a casino) and I spent the entire day back and forth in tears. It wasnt till I got home and logged in here that I started to feel better. And knew that I will get thru this. Today, just 13/14 months from that day, Im walking the world as a fabulous bald lady. I work hard on bringing awareness to this disease that changes our identity and show the world we are still fabulous just with less hair.
Stay strong and know that you are still the fabulous woman that you have always been.
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Comment by AJ on September 24, 2011 at 10:04am
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Thanks Samantha, I really appreciate that! This is still new to me, so haven't experienced having re-growth, only to lose it again. Can only imagine how frustrating that is!! Alopecia is such a crazy thing... can't imagine how I'd be coping without this site and all the support here!
Thanks for your wishes - I wish the same back to you!
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Wow Terri. Can't believe you've come all that way - and that was only just over a year ago! Thanks for sharing, it really is a boost to hear it. It must've taken real courage to go into work that day. You are fabulous!
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Comment by Elizabeth on September 24, 2011 at 8:08pm
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I've had Androgenetic Alopecia for about 13-14 years now, I know the struggle, I know the pain. In my culture(I'm Indian) people are at times very insensitive, I can't tell you how many times(before I bought my wig 3 years ago) that people have just touched my balding spots and said to me, "You know you're losing hair right"? or "You should take some Vitamins", or "If you lose weight, your hair will grow". People forget that while they are taking notice of the hair loss for the first time, I have been dealing with this for nearly half my life. AJ, it's okay to cry, I cry nearly every time I comb my hair, or when I sweep my floor and there's nothing but hair, The other day, I had a moment. I felt like something was crawling down my legs, I thought it was a spider and then I started to ball out because I saw that it was once again strands of my hair. I called my friend for support, and he told me not to worry about it. I think his reason for saying that was because he simply did'nt know what else to say. I'm not going to tell you not to worry about it, but I will tell you this, you're beautiful. And nothing should take that truth away from you, not even Alopecia. Stay strong, stay focused, and follow your dreams, and don't let the stupid 4 syllable word, Alopecia stand in your way. Stay with the renewed hope that you are more than a conqueror! Be blessed:)
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Ah thank you Elizabeth! Bless you. The same back to you too! 8-]
Grrr really bugs me too - suddenly they're all experts and think it's all simply happening because we're stressed/bad diets - and of course, hasn't occured to us - the ones EXPERIENCING it - to think of those things!!!
I'm trying hard now though to cut them some slack. I was moaning about people not understanding and not knowing what it's like to my boyfriend the other day, and he reminded me, well yes - they DON'T know what it's like!! He told me I should cut them some slack. I was furious, but I guess really he's right. That's not to say insensitivity should be allowed. And certain things are still annoying!! But at least there is an outlet here to rant and get support!
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