Comment by Jarod on November 4, 2011 at 9:15pm

I have had alopecia now for about a year, I'm with an amazing girl that ive been with now for 3 years, well.. Shes stayed with me since ive had it and sais that its ok but all i can think is.. what if shes just telling me that but she truly on the inside thinks im disgusting ya know.. I have beentaking sleeping tabs for a while now plus im drinking on a nightly basis WITH the sleeping pills just so I can sleep.. Then i think to myself, all thats happening is im losing my hair and thats IT! but its not just the looks its the emotional humanity fact that we have lost a part of ourselves and it hurts on the inside and out. We think " what of it never grows back" or " what if people dont accept us" or "is that person staring at me." Its horrible to an unexplainable extent and I dont even know why.

Comment by LilyBell*Murphy'sLawLuvsMe on November 4, 2011 at 10:57pm

STOP IT NOW TODAY TONIGHT - you do not need sleeping pills - you need counseling and most likely an antidepressant. Sleeping pills can make you more depressed. I know I was deeply depessed after losing my dad then my hair a few months after. Now I recently found out after an exhaustitve battery of tests, run twice by two different specialists, that I have a diagnosis of probable for a disease for which there is no cure and which is 100% of the time fatal. It is progressive. I will have from about 18 months to 5 years - the last of which will not be pleasant. You have a chance to live - do so - get help. I do not compare illenesses - that one is worse or better than what I have. That in my opinion is just counter productive. Someone will always have it worse - someone will always have it better. Get help NOW because we NEVER know how long we will have on this earth - in my 20's I thought forever. I know better now. Do not feel sorry for me - I do not feel sorry for myself. Do I still wish I had my own hair back - yeap I still do but now I count what I do have. Do not push love away - allow others to love you until you can love yourself enough to care. Thinking of saving those pills just in case you need them is the wrong way honey. It would be the ultimate act of selfishness. Your parents will NEVER recover. You are not that selfish. Throw the extras away and see a doctor who understands depression. My brother passed over ten years ago - my parents NEVER recovered from it - my Dad lost years of his life due to the stress of losing him. Please get help. Meaninful help. Immediately

Comment by Pat on November 5, 2011 at 1:16am

Yes it is frightening to see your hair fall out and it takes time to get used to the new you - there is a lot of grieving to do and the time factor may be different for everyone. I understand depression as I've been there, panic attacks each time I went out, thinking I looked like a freak even with a wig on! This condition is difficult to get our heads around and those around us can be just as confused. in retrospect I wish I'd gone to a councellor as no one really understood how I felt. I tried to cover up my depression but inside I was dying. Please don't try to tough it out alone. Get some help now. As much as our family loves us they are often not able to fully understand.Eventually I did go and get diagnosed with depression and took antidepressants for 6 months. It wasn't until I started feeling better that I realized how depressed I had been. You are not alone here, remember that and keep posting. hugs

Comment by StillHere on November 5, 2011 at 2:58am

Jarod we share the same pain. I have those thoughts on a daily basis. I think that I like that I'm getting through my days exhausted as i feel like it gives me a break in a strange way. I always feel so tired during the day, walk around like a zombie so that I can not think clearly about what is happening. if I did and when i do, with my sober and clear mind it is just always another shock to my system. My mind cannot accept what my body is doing to itself.

as far as your girlfriend and relationship goes- you know she doesn't have to be with you for any reason at all. She can always change her mind. In the same sense she also doesn't have to comfort you and say that the alopecia doesn't bother her. i think it would be difficult to lie to someone if you do not find them physically attractive. long term next to impossible. it's your own insecurity that is making you doubt her. I understand- oh too well.

LilyBell thank you for your comment. I don't know what it is that you are going though as you haven't said it but I wish you all the strength in the world.

My predicament is as such- I am living my everyday in a shell. Under a dark cloud. So introverted and centred around this loss. A loss that will most likely never return what it has taken away- a loss that keeps on taking each day, again and again.

I feel like I am drowning in it. And I am so tired of drowning. As I said my preference is not to do anything stupid and the more I think about it the more I know how wrong the whole idea sounds. But this life, my current life is not something I can continue with either.

And did you know that anti depressants can cause further hair loss? Now what options do i really have? It seems my destiny is one and the same. hairloss is my destiny and I can only embrace it... even though i feel like i cant it seems as tough i am out of options.

My family, you are right I would be the most selfish person in the world if i did that to them. i wish i wasn't so diplomatic- i wish that in my darkest of dark moments I could forget them and their needs and rights to happiness which are also attached to me being around with or without hair. i wish they didnt need me to be around to be happy. But I know that they do.

LilyBell you are a strong person. I admire you for speaking about your life.

Pat- how do you deal with the depression that's onset by something as crazy and instable as hairloss? How long have you been living with it? Once a colleague of mine said to me that you never really realise how stressed you are until you stop being stressed. ofcourse she was talking about work- but I guess the same would apply to the depression. Im just afraid to take any medicine at the moment.

Thank you all for replying to my post, you are the people that can possible understand. Only you.

Comment by Pat on November 5, 2011 at 5:49am

Iv'e had au for over 20 years now. The first couple of years were the hardest. It took 9 long months for my hair to fall out completely and during that time I lived in constant hope it wouldn't so I didn't get a wig, just kept wearing hats/scarfes. I was bald for 4 years then without warning all my hair grew back! Strangely it was just as weird to get used to going out without a wig or hat, but my hair stayed for another 3 years before falling out again. I have had a little growth here and there but not much. I continue to wear a wig every day, I feel more like 'myself' in a wig. Finding AW and other online support groups has been a lifesaver for me. It's true I didn't realise how depressed I was until I addressed it. I resisted taking antidepressants for months, but there came a time when I just couldn't handle my life anymore. I either laid down and died or I did something about it. It was such an effort I can't begin to tell you. My husband nearly had to drag me to the dr, I was so resistant, didn't want pills etc. But believe me they are not the demons people say they are. They don't make you happy. It doesn't work like that. I didn't even realise they were working for some time [they take about 3 weeks to kick in] until one day I realised I was actually taking in my surroundings instead of feeling like I was in a vacuum. The fog started to lift from my brain and I stopped dragging myself around feeling constantly fatigued. Depression is a debilitating condition and I have promised myself if I ever feel like I'm slipping back into that black hole I'll go on those pills again. For me it was so worth it but I also understand your reluctance. I have always considered myself a strong person, lots of self-will to get me through situations, I cope very well with most situations and believe me having aa is just one of them. I felt like such a failure when I finally had to admit I was not coping. Admitting I was powerless over aa and my depression was the best thing I ever did...it gave me the power to address what I could change. Anyway, that's what it was like for me. We all are so different. I"m sure you will eventually find your own way through this as we all do and talking to others here is one of the ways that can help. Stay safe.

Comment by LilyBell*Murphy'sLawLuvsMe on November 5, 2011 at 2:55pm

Stillhere - that says a lot doesn't it?!! You are doing the best you can - that is all you can do. I know about wanting an 'escape hatch' which I think may be why you are 'saving the pills' - but it seems like you know that is never the way to go. I know too about just wanting to sleep to have some peace and the fear of racing thoughts when awake and did I really want to get to a place where I did not sleep all the time and have to deal with all that pain. For me, my antidepressant (prestiq) did not make that happen - as I woke up the depression also lifted at the same time and so did the intense anxiety. BTW I know most can cause hair loss but not for most and with prestiq - it is not listed as a known side affect which is another reason why it was a good choice for me as I struggled with taking something that was going to make my hair loss worse. I know this is a stuggle - this hair loss - it is emotionally devestating - but I can tell you that while it has never been easy it has gotten less awful - not the hair loss itself but the depression from it. Give yourself credit for reaching out - and remember we are here to help you as we can understand in a way nobody who has never dealt with this issue can. HUGS

Comment by StillHere on November 5, 2011 at 8:20pm

You're both just so amazing. It's the one word that came to my mind when i read your posts.

You're strong and amazing. Thank you for sharing your experiences and for well understanding me.

Lets keep in touch- my journey on this road is just starting.strength at the moment does not come easily.

I will do my best to take a leaf out of your books and keep going.

Comment by AJ on November 6, 2011 at 6:04pm

Stillhere - I really feel your pain, and all the emotions you're describing. I'm in a similar position to you - the hair loss is happening now, and still getting used to it - battling between trying to come to terms with it/understand it/hide it from the world?? Also - I can relate to the pain and frustration you feel when you say you are a 23-year-old woman, just emabarking on your independent life - you've worked so hard, and had so much to look forward to - and doesn't it feel like the universe is giving you a nasty kick in the teeth by giving you alopecia??!?! What's that all about???!
I'm 29, and totally felt the same way. I'd been through a very difficult, life changing time.. Just when I started to get back on track, my hair started falling out... I found myself asking - is somebody playing tricks??!
The dark cloud you talk about... the wishing you could go to sleep and never work up... I know the feeling. As you can tell - so do tons of people on this site. You are not alone. And I can guarantee you that other people in your life - perhaps a colleague you don't know that well, or an old friend, a relative... will also have felt the same way in their own life - perhaps now, or perhaps a while ago - or maybe their difficult time is yet to come. My point is, these difficult and dark emotions, are far more normal than we sometimes think. Sometimes there is a trigger (eg. alopecia) but sometimes there is not.
The improtant thing for you to know is... it WILL get better, you WILL feel happy again, and the sun will still go on shining for you.

I'm still coming to terms with my hair loss, and still have a lot of fear about what's in store/dealing with the future stages of it. But I'm at peace with the fact that it is happening. Yes, it was bloomin awful timing!!!! And it's a real bugger. But that's just life. Bad things happen - just as much as good things. In time though, we'll hopefully realise that 'bad' things were actually things that made us stronger/wiser, and led us to appreciating new and wonderful things - opening doors we might never otherwise have been led to. And, though the 'bad' things might feel more dominating, if you keep reminding yourself to look for the good things, they are there too... it sometimes does take effort though, but it does work 8-] Start with little things - a funny movie, a coffee with a lovely friend, even buying yourself a bunch of flowers!!!


You have so much going for you... you're hard working, talented and skilled, bright, with great opportunities ahead of you... and by the sounds of it - a real catch! ;-)
None of that will change. This is just a big emotional trauma and transition that you are going through - but you will get through it!

For me, keeping busy helps. Talk about it when you need to. When you don't need to - distract yourself with other things. Spend time with your friends and the people that love you.
And a big thing... I think your lack of sleep will probably be having a big impact too. Not sleeping has a MAJOR affect on how you feel from day to day. Please please please stop saving the sleeping pills. You don't need to do that, you really don't.

Keep sharing your thoughts on here. Perhaps tell your doctor how you feel, if you can, or look for another avenue for emotional support.
And give yourself a boost every day :-)

It gets easier, I promise. You are a LOT stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know it's rubbish to lose your hair right now - but you have so much going for you.
At first, I really felt like my hair was 'me'. But actually, it's not... Sure, it's a grieving process. But if our hair falls out, we will still be the same people. Though probably an improved version - braver, more understanding and accepting for a start. And eventually, much stronger and more inspired.
xx

Comment by Lili on November 6, 2011 at 6:23pm

I don't know what to say as I feel similar ways, I wish everyone who is feeling pain over this to find some relief. I truly believe and have faith though, it gets better over time... maybe not the hair loss (but miracles can and do happen), but the acceptance... hugs... I agree with AJ, give yourself a boost every day... we must be kind to ourselves!

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