Every now and again, I'll feel like purging. I find some curious soul and satisfy their curiosity by divulging my deepest alopecia secret. Been completely bald for 3 quarters of my life. Lost all my hair smack dead at the start of puberty, in that same rude and dusruptive way that alopecia tends to do. They stare into my eyes in awe waiting for my tear glands to fill up - but I'll never give them the satisfaction. Next they may say something completely thoughtless and unfeeling like "you're beautiful! Who cares!?"...to which I always respond equally thoughtlessly: "I know, right?" Others will be a bit more feeling and inquisitive: "how do you cope?" They ask. To that, I'll usually say: "I don't cope! I'm a hot ass mess". Which is true, by the way. I cry till my veins pop out my forehead, at least once a month; and a week doesn't go by that I don't look in the mirror and call myself an ugly wretch. But the truth is that I've been underestimating myself. I do cope! I enjoy a full life complete with dives in the ocean and harried ruins through the city of New York on windy days. My 6 year old son calls me beautiful every bald Saturday morning over coffee and my handsome husband can't keep his hands off me for some reason. I think I really became comfortable with this thing when I finally gave up on the dream that tomorrow would be better....Tomorrow? Well yeah. It could be better. I could spot a patch of new growth and throw a party at the site of it....oooorrr tomorrow some crazy could push me in front of a train at 34th street and I could be crushed to death, or I could O.D. on hot wings, get a stroke and end up a bald headed paraplegic. Fact is: I'm bald right now. Other fact is: I have to live RIGHT NOW. & so do you, by the way.

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Comment by Jackie on October 11, 2013 at 3:35pm
Glad if it could help you through your day, Heidi.
Comment by Jayran on October 13, 2013 at 1:14pm

Thanks for writing this Jackie. It's very easy to forget that last fact of yours, and I find posts like yours and others on AW gives me the little kick in the behind (in a good way!) that I need when I get very down.

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