Alopecia World
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Convincing a disappointed lover to stay
Some years ago, a professor from Cairo, Egypt, demanded a divorce and damages of more than $86,000 from his wife for deception.
The professor said that, on their wedding night, he made the shocking discovery that his attractive young wife was bald while running his fingers through her beautiful hair as she slept.
He claimed that horror set in when the hair turned out to actually be a wig.
He said that one of the things he liked about his wife was her beautiful long hair, and he was disgusted to find out on his wedding night that it wasn’t real.
The bride lost her hair at a young age due to illness and had worn a wig ever since.
I'm not sure how (or whether) this legal case was settled. (If you know, please tell the rest of us.)
However, I'm curious to know how an alopecian might convince their intimate partner or spouse not to abandon the relationship under such circumstances.
What would you suggest to an alopecian who was not only in the bride's situation, but who also really wanted their lover to stay with them regardless of the fact that their lover believed all along that they had "real" hair?
The professor said that, on their wedding night, he made the shocking discovery that his attractive young wife was bald while running his fingers through her beautiful hair as she slept.
He claimed that horror set in when the hair turned out to actually be a wig.
He said that one of the things he liked about his wife was her beautiful long hair, and he was disgusted to find out on his wedding night that it wasn’t real.
The bride lost her hair at a young age due to illness and had worn a wig ever since.
I'm not sure how (or whether) this legal case was settled. (If you know, please tell the rest of us.)
However, I'm curious to know how an alopecian might convince their intimate partner or spouse not to abandon the relationship under such circumstances.
What would you suggest to an alopecian who was not only in the bride's situation, but who also really wanted their lover to stay with them regardless of the fact that their lover believed all along that they had "real" hair?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Trina on
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I think that you have to be honest with the person up front. When I was a teenager i never told anyone but my close friends and family. Before I got married I told him and at that point he said he loved me and that was not why he married me. We are divorced and still remain friends but it was never a problem. Now as a single woman dating I tell them. If someone is shallow enough to not love you because of something you have no control over then they are not the person for you. Love is unconditional meaning excepting someone with all the flaws they have and still seeing that person. I would not want anyone that I had to convince that I was just as beautiful because of hair. Heck they sell it at the store for a reason. I find that people love people for lust and not love. What that man had was lust for the girl and no one should want to be married to someone who is lusting after them. Love me for the fight in me. The pain I have endured and the struggles I have faced. We can shop for your perfect hair together LOL...
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Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on
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Trina, don't you think it's a bit unfair to label a disgruntled lover as "shallow" and lustful under circumstances where s/he has been deceived by their alopecic partner? I mean, while physical attraction shouldn't be the only basis for someone's love for another person, it's still an important and perhaps inevitable consideration. The Egyptian professor, like you and everyone else, was entitled to his physical and/or physiological preferences. No doubt, his new bride always knew that there was a real possibly that she may not meet the professor's appearance requirements as a bald woman, and therefore should have revealed her condition "up front," like you did, and thus gave him an honest and real chance to love her for who she really is, baldness and all.
That said, the question I'm really posing with this discussion thread isn't whether there are shallow lovers out there that alopecians should try to avoid at all cost. My question is, what sound advice would you give to an alopecian who was NOT honest "up front" and now find himself or herself truly in love with someone who's sorely disappointed and threatening to abandon the relationship because they were deceived into thinking the alopecian had a head full of hair? Of course, in a perfect world, everyone, including alopecians, would always tell the truth and always be loved for who they are. Unfortunately, this isn't a perfect world, so sometimes even alopecians "lie with the best of intentions" and get themselves into quite a jam, as a result. What if you encountered an alopecian who knew they were wrong for allowing their partner to always believe they had a head full of hair, but still didn't want the relationship to end due to their deceitful ways? How should matters be handled in this kind of case?
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Permalink Reply by kastababy on
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Unfortunately, because we DO live in a world where shallowness reigns and the physical is prized more highly than the intellectual and the spiritual, this situation is something that is all too common and should be addressed. And as much as you may think it is unfair to label someone as "shallow" because they are leaving relationships, regardless of whether or not it was a lie of omission or a flat-out denial of the alopecia's existence, the fact that the non-alopecian is more concerned with a physical appearance than the reasons why the alopecia was not disclosed in fact makes them shallow.
In my case, I have accepted the fact that the overwhelming majority of the male species is very shallow and is guided by what they see more than what they feel. As a result, I don't get into serious relationships and keep most people at arm's length. I have very few friends, because inevitably my alopecia always causes issues. Because I have been hurt so over the years, I would rather be alone and not deceive anyone about my alopecia than be in the center of the social world and have to hide my alopecia, cover it up, or pretend it doesn't exist in order to maintain friendships, networking relationships, or romantic relationships. Does that sound a bit extreme? Maybe it does. Am I missing out on some wonderful things in life? Probably. Do I wish things were different? Certainly. But, because not every man is as enlightened as RJ, to protect myself this is the reality I choose to embrace. You don't have to handle a situation like this in the manner I choose to handle it, but I posted what I thought to see what everyone else has to say.
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"The fact that the non-alopecian is more concerned with a physical appearance than the reasons why the alopecia was not disclosed in fact makes them shallow."
Wow! Talking about blaming the victim. I can't help but disagree on this point despite, of course, how "enlightened" I am. (Thanks for the compliment, by the way!)
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: Any relationship founded on lies can only languish in jeopardy. It does not matter why the lies were told or by whom the lies were told, lies are lies and they only make a precarious situation at best or a downright dangerous one at worst, especially since lies erode the very trust and confidence that makes a REALationship possible in first place.
If anyone, including an alopecian, wants to be loved for who they are, then s/he must BE who they are. And this courage to BE, by necessity, includes and encompasses revealing the real hair-thinning, patchy-headed, or bald you way before your wedding night or before things get "too serious."
Romantic love, by its very nature, is partly and rightly based on physical attraction, and each and every one of us knows this. If an alopecian -- or anyone else, for that matter -- doesn't meet someone else's physical requirements, then the thing to do is to look elsewhere for this kind of love rather than deceive someone and hope for the best.
Now, in the event that someone lies their way into a marriage or loving relationship, gets busted, but doesn't want the relationship to end, I'd advise this person to show as much patience and understanding as they now evidently desire and require. I'd also advise them to fully own up to and confess the error of their deceitful ways, calmly explain why they perpetrated such a fraud on their partner, sincerely ask for forgiveness, and give the other person space to vent and think things through. Finally, I'd also counsel both parties never to resort to any kind of abusive speech or actions, but honestly and respectfully express their feelings, desires, disappointments, and perhaps a path to reconciliation. Professional intervention by a relationship or marriage expert may also be needed to save such a relationship.
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Permalink Reply by Lee on
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wooooow how did she hide it for so long? I tell people right away..mostly to avoid embarassment if my wig moves or my lashes fall off or something. I have never had anyone judge me because of my hairloss yet...I think that would be pretty lame and if I were to meet someone like that, I wouldn't want to be with them anyway.
Trina....the last 3 sentances you wrote are RIGHT on point!
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on
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I think we have to be very careful not to let our fear rule us, as hard as I know it is not to. Without true vulnerability we will never feel “unconditionally loved”.
Even in the case above, the person believes that if she revealed her real self she would not have been accepted. So either she knew something about her partner personality in advance or she was not willing to be truly vulnerable with him.
I think rj is right. If we want to be accepted for ourselves, then we have to reveal ourselves.
One of the first serious conversations me and rj had, rj asked the question, “What could you tell me right now that would have me walk away”. That was tough question, but it allowed us both to get things out in the open. There was no commitment at that point and this allowed us both the time to process the information slowly and ask all the questions we needed answered in a non-threatening way. Both of us felt, we were just friends and we didn’t have to make a decision yet. By the time we got to a point of commitment there was nothing to consider.
In addition, what is that saying to your mate? You will conceal things if it is not beneficial to you, You don’t trust that I am loving enough to accept you? You already have shown me that you could deceive me, what else are you not telling me? When we get into a real crisis, are you going to come to the table or clam up?
We are forfeiting the path to true intimacy for both our partners and ourselves when we don’t want to get real with somebody. We sit here and say, “Ah, I wish I had a man/woman like this or that”, if that is what we want then we have to be willing to be that man or woman back. The only way we are going to be truly accepted is if we are willing to bring to the table the portions of our lives that we think is unacceptable.
As, for people who are already in the situation. I think we have to admit that yes we deceived the person and take responsibility for that. I think we need to apologize and listen closely to what that person feels about the situation. Be careful not to go into a woe to me phase. Explain why you omitted the alopecia in a short concise way. At this time it is more about the partner than it is about you. If your partner feels that, they may be more willing to discuss the situation and move on with the relationship.
It may well be an amazing time of intimacy, I know with me and rj, some of our roughest times have turned out to be our best.
And there is also the possibility that the relationship may end, but it may not be because of our alopecia but our inability to really show up. In that case we have to chalk it up as a learning experience and figure out a way not to make the same mistake the next time.
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What she said! :-)
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Cheryl,
I understand what you are saying more now. My only problem is that when I didn't tell people because I was insecure in myself. I live in an area where people put a lot of emphasis on the outward. My teenage experience was really bad and so I was like Yokasta I stayed away from men and had just a few friends. I did find someone who loved me regardless but I did not tell him right away. I got to know him and decided if he was someone i would want to know forever. I think that rj is a diamond in the rough because people are really vain. But you are right relationships built on any lie are never good.
I have been really fortunate in dating. I tell them this is me and while you may never see my bald head understand it exist. Yokasta a " real" man will not be so shallow and will see the true beauty within and it is not the hair that makes you. There are still some good ones out there. I got to believe that!
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Permalink Reply by Sarah McIntosh on
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Although I feel that the young bride should have been honest upfront, I can not say I'm comfortable with idea of having to convince someone to stay with me.I feel if someone loves me or I love someone there is nothing to convince.If I had to convince someone to not leave me over my alopecia I don't think I could,I would let them walk for they really didn't love me the way I want to be loved.I would be hurt but after a while I would be relieved for I would be better off.I know there are people in the world who would love me for being bald and many other things.
Going back to that particular story I do understand the man wanting to divorce her but I think suing her in 86 000$ is excessive and not needed.It's very hard to tell someone you love something of such a sensitive nature which for her it was.I mean she slept in her wig.She clearly wasn't comfortable with it and choose to live her whole life hiding it.Although I do feel she should have been honest and that I can understand the husband wanting a divorce I just can't get past the money he wants for damages.
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In cases like that of the Egyptian professor and his bride, it's not really about convincing someone to stay despite your alopecia, but, if the two of you are really in love, asking your partner to stay with you despite the fact that you lied. In other words, the grievous offense is lying and deceiving your partner; not having some form of alopecia. Most people don't like something or another about themselves and find it quite embarrassing or humiliating to some degree. But this is no excuse for anyone to try to lie his/her way into love. We must not only speak the truth in love, but also for sake of love.
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I agree its no excuse to lie but I do understand why the lie would be there.Again I really do believe she should have told the truth but as she didn't, I think he would have to decide if the degree of the lie is that big of an issue.I mean people lie all the time.Where do you draw the line of what is appropriate to lie about and what isn't.I don't know one person who hasn't told at least one lie for one reason or another.I find his actions a bit over-dramatic,and I can't help but think what if the situation wasn't about her hair and had it been about her lying about her eye color by wearing colored contacts if his reaction would have been the same?
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Keep in mind that this case is happening in a part of the world where women are little more than property and treated as second-class citizens. In that part of the world, I'm frankly surprised that the professor is suing his wife outright and not suing her family for fraud and trying to get the marriage annulled.
Because it happened some years ago (notice that RJ doesn't give specifics -- were they not available, I wonder?), I wonder what the outcome of the case was and if the wife had to pay the damages myself. If so, I think that it sets a dangerous legal precedent, and being that we live in such a litigious society, I can just see some idiot trying to do the same thing over here and winning.
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