Masculinity

Cheryl started a fascinating discussion about feminity, so I thought I'd start one on masculinity.

So guys ... what's it like to lose your hair? Women, what's it like to see a man with alopecia? How does your experience of masculinity change?

To get the ball rolling ...

My alopecia developed in 2000, when I was in my early 30's. When my hair first started falling out, I was terrified that I had cancer. Once the diagnosis of alopecia was confirmed, I decided to shave my head completely.

8 years ago, (at least in Northeast Ohio, where I live) being a bald man was a bit edgy, socially. Meaning being bald as a man was just on the edge of being socially acceptable.

One of the first things I noticed was that people seemed to equate bald with "tough." I was aware that waitresses brought my food quicker at restaurants and store clerks responded faster. It was really weird at first, because I couldn't figure out what was going on. Then my wife (wise person that she is), pointed out that people were treating me differently because I was bald.

I'm also a practicing martial artist (Aikido), and so many people simply assumed (and still do) that I had shaved my head because of my martial arts practice.


Hmmmm.

I've got some other thoughts about my experience, but I'm curious to hear what other people have to say.

Again, this discussion is open to men and women.

Cheers! :-)

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Rose Marie' on October 17, 2008 at 6:14pm
Hi

I've been watching this thread and enjoying the answers.

I understand the insensitivity that (mostly) caring people inflict on others. I remember when my daughter wore a bandana for 6 months I was confronted on what felt like an hourly basis "did she have cancer?" I knew that the enquiry was coming from a place of kindness and worry, but oh my, it becomes so exhausting explaining all the time. But I sort of prefer this to ignoring the situation so people are sometimes damned if they do and damned if they don't.

For young boys I feel this is an incredibly challenging condition. To stand out different from your peers through no choice of your own is difficult. Depending on the personality of the child it can become devastating. Margie - I beleive your son will get through this. I guess that's why I love this place (AW) so much. It will give your son the opportunity to talk with people like Tim and other male role models, it all helps. Obviously having great parents (like yourselves) is the other piece of the solution that is working for him. :)

I also think that grown men can slip under the radar (just a little) with this condition but my goodness it is never ever easy to be without your hair if it was not a choice you would have normally made. It is challenging and frustrating.

Both sexes are challenged with this condition. Both have advantages and disadvantages that are gender based. But neither get through this totally unscathed.

Rosy
Permalink Reply by JeffreySF on October 18, 2008 at 11:23pm
Hey Tim,

Flying under the radar is pretty easy with tatood eyebrows/lashes.
Having it done gave me my facial espressions back.

Jeff
Permalink Reply by kastababy on October 19, 2008 at 7:30am
Had to chime in on this one.

It's interesting that we would have a discussion started on masuculinity, and even more interesting that there are so many men with masculinity issues out there that stem from their AA, AT, or AU. I must admit, I find it hard to be sympathetic (must be those years of fighting insurance companies to pay for Rogaine back in the day -- their excuse was that it was for cosmetic use and my reply was I was not a middle-aged man going through a midlife crisis, I was only 12) when the issue of masculinity comes up in relation to AA.

The way I see things, when I see a man with these types of self-esteem issues, while I feel for the loss of self-esteem, I can't help but simultaneously think that in a way it's karmic justice, because it means that you yourself have fallen vicitim to the double-standards of beauty that a male-dominated society has created and perpetuated since the beginning of time. Does it make things right? Of course it doesn't. Do I think it should change? You bet I do. But as RJ has been discussing in several forum discussions here, only when you come to a complete and unconditional acceptance of yourself and start loving yourself more than you love the opinions of others, then and only then will you find the strength to see the world for what it is, and adjust your way of thinking accordingly. And with that comes confidence. People are vicious creatures -- and we tend to seize upon and ruthlessly dissect anything we perceive as weak or different. A little confidence goes a long way -- and if being perceived as being a tough guy encourages people to keep their distance while you find that strength, then I say fake it til you make it and go for it!!!

Hope this all makes sense -- it's 6:30 in the morning and I just got out of bed to take my boyfriend to work and check the board. Have a great Sunday!
Permalink Reply by Skin on December 21, 2008 at 3:56pm
I was dignosed with AU in 1982 at the age of 17. I had just started my first job as an apprentice motor mechanic & everybody had long hair... even Elton John!

I really struggled to begin with, more out of confusion than anything else I think. I hadn't a clue what was wrong with me or what was going on. I wore a woollen beany hat to begin with, to hide my alopecia.

By the summer of 1983 my eyebrows & lashes were well on their way out too & with just a few strands of my barnet left poking from the brim of my hat, I was struggling like mad to conceal my baldness.

I knew that my new workmates knew about my "secret" & one hot, summer's day, I threw my hat in the bin at work. My life changed for the better... immediately. I became more approachable & as the weeks passed by, the sun kissed my bald bonce & I liked my reflection again. Not completely, but I became acceptable to myself again & that is the most important factor.

My confidence grew & I got my first serious girlfriend. Obviously, she didn't think that I looked like the twerp from outer-space... Result! My life was back on track & my acceptance of alopecia began to grow.

Having been a very shy child, I found that alopecia brought me out of my shell. Like Timothy, I have experienced other folks' misconceptions of being the "bald tough guy". I'm 6' 2" tall & at the time, weighed around 13 stone.

I'm now around 15 stone & If I was a jerk (like my Mrs insists Iam), I would find it very easy to find trouble if I wanted to. Thankfully, I'm a peace-loving bloke & prefer to diffuse situations, rather than stoke the fire.

I remember walking into a pub in Devon with a couple of mates in 1986. It was a boiling hot day & the bar was packed. I joined the crowd at the bar, expecting a long wait. Much to my dismay & I'm sure, to the anger of other patrons, the landlord came straight over to me & asked me for my order...?? - My mates told me that it was because "I look 'ard!" - I'll settle for that, I thought... cheers. - Problem was, in any packed pub, it was always me going to the bloody bar!

In terms of masculinity, I think that comes from within, although being a bloke with alopecia, you are automatically typecast as being masculine.

My job means that I deal with the general public all day long... on the phone & face to face. They come into my workplace & say, "I've just spoke to a lovely man on the phone, is he here?" They don't believe me when I try to explain that they've been talking to me!

Confidence is the key to coping with alopecia. Confidence & an ability to laugh at yourself & not take life too seriously. If you have these tools in your toolbox, you'll cope with any situation life can throw at you. I've been AU for 26 years now & truly wouldn't want my hair back.

If it grew back tomorrow, I'd shave the bloody lot off... perhaps that's my masculinity coming to the fore! lol.
Permalink Reply by Joshua on January 12, 2009 at 9:02am
This is an interesting thread. Personally, I have no great memory of what it was like before AU at 17. Even pictures of my teenage years looked "weird" to me because over the years, I believed that alopecia has definied me more than I was before. Therefore, I am mostly "comfortable" with my alopecia except for certain occassions which were unavoidable when people made stupid comments and lengthy discussion about hairstyling...etc.

Yes, I do agree that being bald makes me look tougher, which I believe is good. As my confidence builds up, I feel less and less that alopecia will make men less attractive to women (be it AT, AU or AA). Nevertheless, there will be "negative moments" either directly or indirectly attributed to alopecia.

In general, alopecia has defined a great part of my life especially on a positive note. I would love to have my hair back to see how would I look like without Alopecia. In short, I would say that "I love my alopecia" more often than "I hate alopecia".
Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on January 28, 2009 at 9:38pm
I find that that in most case, everything depends on how a person carries themselves. I have found myself attracted to a variety of men and if you put them in one room and just looked at them, you may not be able to find a common physical trait.

But a man that is secure with himself and it shows in his body language, I will usually pick that up. I am not talking about arrogance, but comfortable in their skin.

I have found Jean Luc Picard from Star Trek to James Avery,(Philip Banks, father on Prince of Belair) attractive and there is something about Matthew McConaughey personality that just doesn't do it for me. And of course there is rj, who caught my attention from the begin. All other men slowly drifted away, until there was just him still standing in front me.

With all of us, there is always someone cuter, smarter, sexier, classier, more down to earth... But is is not necessarily the "cutest" that is going to win. It all depends on what the other person is looking for and vice versa.
Permalink Reply by Sol on February 7, 2009 at 3:40am
I have nothing especially pertinent to add to this discussion but I'd just like to say that as a female it makes no difference to me whether or not a guy has hair (and eyebrows, eyelashes, facial hair). Men may ffel imasculated but I don't see it this way. Hair does not maketh the man :) IMO a real man is not measured by his hairstyle (or lack thereof), car, cufflinks, salary, or ability to pummel an opponent. If he has respect for himself and others, if he accepts who and what he is, if he is confident in himself but not cocky with it, and if he likes pina colada and getting caught in the rain (oh wait...that song was about a woman...) then he's a real man.

And yes I would totally date a guy with alopecia. Not necessarily saying stick any male and female single alopecians in a room together and they'll fall in love, but having something in common with one another is the best start to a relationship, plus you would at least understand more or less where the other person was coming from. The other benefit of having this condition myself has made me appreciate people for who they are, and generally I would assume (although obviously it's not true in all cases) that most alopecian men would feel the same. You learn to see past the physical attributes.

Bring on an alopecian dating service, I say!
Permalink Reply by Rock Chalk! on February 13, 2009 at 2:25pm
Props on that dating service idea...
I've just joined this site and found this thread very useful.
I think alot of the masculinity issues as single entities do not seem like they are all that deflating but as a whole they are quite difficult to deal with. There is this perception of being tough that is very inflating as a large part of the population won't even make eye contact with you. Rarely do I find an individual who, 1 on 1 in a hallway, will have the courage to look me in the eye and say hello unless I do first. I am an athletic individual with statuesque facial features so I could see how people may be intimidated.
And heres where this comes half circle.
In the dating scene, I feel like this perception carries over, yet it is in no way who I am. Women expect me to be this really tough guy, but when they meet me they realize that I am pensive and give love and thought to almost everything I say. However the ones that expect me to be tough do not really care for the intelligent ones who acutally listen. And when I approach the girls who I think I could get along with, they are either scared or basically do not give me the time of day.
This is where it comes full circle
All these feelings and perceptions sometimes do come around and make me feel a bit broken, a bit freakish. And that is where the dip in confidence comes from. Women tell me all the time that I am attractive, yet they are usually the ones who don't want to become intimate. I have read many studies on how sex is a vital part of a human's well being and mental health, and Im positive many of you would agree with me. So when it is hard for a man to meet women in an intimate manner, It actually tends to affirm the anger and cause the people in the hallway to duck down.

So yes, on a daily basis, confidence and masculinity will certainly slip.
Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on February 13, 2009 at 10:52pm
Confidence is sexy. Insecurity is not.
Permalink Reply by Bobby on March 26, 2009 at 9:45pm
Oh this is a great discussion, I noticed people I met for the first time, would be super nice to me, super kind to me. Some treated me as if I was sick or weak in some way. I remember one time going out to eat with my girlfriend and I had a cold, we ate a really nice meal 45 dollars worth. It comes time to pay for my tab and the waitress said its already been taken care of. Never met the person that picked up my bill, but I could only assume what that person thought, Jeez he/she might have thought I had cancer. I tipped the waitress 45. Having Alopecia has caused a lot of people to not be there self around me. Also went to a bar having a great time and someone paid for all my drinks. So I'd say Alopecia makes people really nice, kind and offer to me gestures of kindness, that wouldnt normally happen. Freebies are nice when there are given the right way, and everyone likes it when people care about them, but under false understandings? ya if I was any other person, things like this could really taint my karma and soul. So its a big downer, when my appearence makes the first impression for me. I feel like it screams to them Death and sickness stands before you.
Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on March 27, 2009 at 12:28pm
Hi Bobby, I would have to say that just recently that fact hit me and actually it was rj who mentioned it.

I honestly thought that people were just being nice. Opening doors, smiling, knodding or saying hi to me... then rj asked if I ever thought that maybe it was because they may have been thinking I was sick.

I guess in my case, people are not paying or giving me money. So I prefer to keep my ignorance and just assume that people are just really nice and return the smiles, knods and hello's. I guess even in the situations that you mention, people are showing their compassion. I don't know if that is a bad thing. Thanks for sharing.
Permalink Reply by Magan on July 12, 2009 at 2:23am
I have been avoiding responding on this site for sometime now, for denial reasons I guess...but I saw this thread and just have to respond.
A few thoughts....
I was raised in a family where all my uncles, my dad, and my grandfather had mpb. My "Pop Pop" was the most amazingly wonderful man I have ever known. Masculinity and sincerity. Love and honesty. Patience and enduring kindness. Tough when needed but always always respectful. The kind of person I aspire to be associated w. The kind of person I aspire to be. The epitome of beauty, with out much hair. I associated mpb w wisdom growing up. W love, w all the attributes of my grandfather. Now I guess it seems a little nieve. Kinda plain stupid. But I loved that bald head. Dearly. It's a welcome sight for me. (I am a lesbian. I am not attracted to bald or hairy men. So I can't speak from a sexual standpoint...but of just an everyday interaction standpoint) Oh that sounds so foolish. But it's honest. It didn't occur to me that it bothered some men until I heard my Grandma talking about how it bothered my cousin, that he started loosing his hair in his early 20's. And until recently I still didn't grasp how hard hair loss is for men too. I am a waitress and I have some regulars that I explained my situation to, regaurding aa. He said he understood, and raised his hat. (I didn't realize I hadn't seen him before w out a hat.) He had mpb. And obviously very bothered by his reality. His wife chastised him and told him that it was easier for him then me. The look on his face broke my heart. He understood me. Through gender lines he understood. So, I do appologize to those of you who don't get the understanding and compassion your heart deserves. Like being female gets better compassion from society? Does that make sense? We all are dealing w a disease that is unfair. As a woman who believes that we should all be equal, men should be equally entitled to experience their emotions and or lack there of concerning their lack of hair. W out being made to feel less masculine. I went off on quite a tangent and am not sure this is where I should have posted this but this is where it took me.
Peacefull hearts to all,
Take care,
Magan

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