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Where are you on the triangle? (Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs)
We are needy or secure in different ways. I think if you research Maslow's theory and relate it to AW contributors, you can see that many who have basic needs met (by self, parents or spouse) have the time and mental freedom to obsess about hair loss and self-esteem. Those with basic needs not being met, or those who have risen to the top of Maslow's pyramid, seem to concentrate on other subjects here...for better or for worse. Check it out on the attachment below and see if you agree.
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Permalink Reply by Figarosmom on
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Hmmmm I know this pyramid. It's covered in my panic attack workbook. Well I wonder if it's possible to be jumping between levels? I feel like the panic attacks that I have from hair loss are related to level two and security issues. But of course the hair loss obsession is related to the esteem level. Dear oh dear. I know I am aiming for the top level. Yeah I think at the moment and I am tumbling around between the security level, the belonging level and the esteem level. Aiming for the top level.
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Permalink Reply by Liz on
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I thought that the security issue related only to physical safety. I don't see how this would be related to hair loss. For most people, it's probably a combination of concerns about possible social rejection (belonging) and self-esteem.
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I don't know for sure. I am sure there are books on this. I personally don't feel "safe" because of the hair loss. And that has lead to PTSD which I believe falls on that level if I remember. I may be interpreting safe in to broad a fashion. ;-)
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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I imagine that the emotions are so strong on this social safety thing for anyone missing a "body part" (that wasn't lost by an accident, warfare, attack, etc....hair loss is softer!) that they actually believe physical safety is threatened somehow. Believe me, I have also experienced the fear about physical safety, and hear stories daily about worse situations in the news. This is exactly what I thought...alopecians here sometimes cannot see what else is happening in the world with people in other situations, because in comparison to their comfy American lives, the sudden change with hair loss IS a "tragedy" to them.
Try hanging around a police station, psychiatrist's office, courtroom, emergency room or trauma center, funeral home or fire station awhile. THEN you will hear stories of personal safety being threatened for real!
What I am trying to show with the triangle is that there are worse things in the world to stress over, and better attitudes to develop to get on with life. Since counselors have no clue about alopecia, maybe the counselors who deal with military men who lose limbs would be better shrinks to approach on this...but even then, they have seen worse. Have we been exposed to grenade attacks and bombers 24-7? No. Have we had to sleep on hot desert sand in full uniform? No. Are lions stampeding our villages? No. Maybe there are cancer counselors at hospitals who could approach the hair loss thing.
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I understand what you are saying Tallgirl. Of course there are worse things than hair falling out. I think most of us here intellectually get that. But what I am seeing is there is a big difference between the intellect and logic and our emotions. It takes time to work through those emotions before they can join the intellect. I actually found when people tried to suppress my feelings about hairloss that all my emotional issues got worse and that's when the panic attacks started.
I for one totally want to develope a better attitude. But that takes time. As does any major change in ones life. I am sure what I learn from this will only help me deal better with other major life changes.
The other thing to remember is for many here hairloss is just "one more thing." We aren't in a vacuum. We have lives before this with issues that probably have been pretty intense, like drug abuse, physcial abuse, alcoholism, etc. I can say for myself I have had some of these issues in my family and it has lead to big emotional issues to cope with.
I will say that cancer patients have been the most sympathic and helpful to me with this issue. That is very true. This has led me to decide to donate wigs for those who can't afford them. I am also going to be crocheting hats and things for people in chemo as I hear there is a huge need for hats. So I am a big supporter of their cause now. That is a positive change in me.
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Oh, gosh...I just suggested that cap creation to a friend who crochets! What a cool venture that could be! Do you get silly or fashionable with your designs and colors, too?
By the way, here are things that helped me along the way: Assertiveness Training, the books Emotional Intelligance (Goleman?) and Guide to Rational Living (Albert Ellis. See if you can find it online.), Al-Anon and CODA groups, alopecia support group and conference, this site, friends who don't care about my hair loss, friends at a liberal congregation. Spending time in college classrooms instead of bars. Healthy outings like food festivals, ethnic festivals, road trips. Art shows. moving to a new town or part of the country. Makeovers, wig shopping, nail salon. Reading, cooking, helping friends decorate for parties. Changes are good things!
My own counselor is helping me get over Empty Nest Syndrome by listing who can be my new "family" in my life, and coming up with actions to strengthen THOSE relationships instead of wringing my hands about the past ones. Yes, divorce and kids growing up can leave an alopecian without a in-house support group. It takes getting out there and taking chances socially to find new people.
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The Assertiveness Training was free back then through my university's health/counseling center. I needed to establish my own set of values and personality separate from my parents, as I was too shy and meek, and couldn't yet stand up for myself and my own beliefs! By the end of college, I was able to move across a whole country by train (age 21), and it surprised the heck out of everyone! I picked San Francisco...why not?
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i think we all need that training...especially the values and personality separate from our parents. especially SOME parents. my mom has her own issues and she is very domineering. it's tough to deal with her at times.
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Duh. Typo. Intelligence. Not very intelligent not to proofread before posting!
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I am a crocheting fool. Actually my nickname in my family is the mad hatter because I love to do hats so much. It's really a perfect match crocheting hats for chemo patients and me. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. I am curious about your conversation with your friend. By cap do you mean pieces that go under wigs or do you mean funky hats? I can a designer and do love fun/funky patterns and colors.
I am going to look at a few of those books up there. The assertiveness and rational living sound very interesting. I am always looking for resources like that.
I kind know what you mean by empty nest. When i got divorced I was 37 and it was literally the first time in my life I lived alone. I was terrified and it was so strange. Eventually I loved it but it took a few years to get used to it.
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Funky hats, warm caps, soft lining. Saw some cute ones being sold at my wig salon. Use your talent to move up an esteem level for yourself! Start a business, and get a web site!
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I am also familiar with this model. What led you to ask the question? Where do you think that you are? I think that I am a self-actualized person, and I wouldn't say that I obsess about my hair loss, but it does take a little bit of effort to deal with it. For me, that is mostly buying and styling wigs, hats, scarves, etc. in a way that makes me feel good about myself and the way I look. I participate in this site mostly because I see myself as an older person who has some wisdom to share.
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