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"Are you wearing a wig?"
I have never told anyone at work about my AT and have been wearing a very convincing wig. That allowed me to get on with my life until today.
A colleague came up to me and asked if I was wearing a wig. I found myself suddenly feeling anxious, embarrassed, self conscious, and fearful of being exposed, all at the same time. I left without answering and plunged into a state of depression shortly after.
I know there's nothing to be ashamed of but in my line of work, such a condition may be viewed unfavorably, making it hard to come out publicly about this.
I just want to share this to get it out of my system and move on with my life.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jacqui Switzer on
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Mona, I am in the same situation. I have had AT for eighteen years and have always worn wigs to work. I now work in a new location, and have worn several different wigs. Everyone knows that I wear wigs, but none know that I have AT or seen me in anything but a wig.
Jacqui
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Permalink Reply by Debs on
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Mona people that don't have hair loss usually are completely clueless about wigs and would never in a million years notice that we are wearing them, therefore I wonder if this colleague that asked you if you were wearing a wig has personal experience of hair loss themselves or has a close family member/friend with hair loss and wanted to know where you got your beautiful wig so they could tell their relative/friend.... I have only had one person ask me if I was wearing a wig. I was horrified however this woman then immediately added that her daughter has alopecia and she wanted to know where I got my wig from because it looked so natural. She could tell it was a wig because she is tuned into looking a people's hair and she buys he teenage daughters wigs for her.... This colleague on the other hand may not have actually thought you were wearing a wig, it might just be an expression they used because you hair looks really great, it was just unfortunate that in our case it happened to be true. If this person asks again I would just say 'no'. You don't have to tell people at work your personal business, not unless you want to. If this becomes an issue I would report it to your personnel department. Good luck with all of this.
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Debs, thank you your views. I have been thinking about that myself too! I think my colleague 'suspected' it was a wig because I caught him looking at my hair a few times already. I want to believe that he knows someone with AA and that was why he could tell. But from the way he asked, I think he was just trying to expose me as he hasn't been genuinely nice to me so far. He noticed how neat my hair always was and that was why he asked.
You are right. He has no right to know whether I am wearing a wig or not.
Thanks again, Debs!
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Permalink Reply by Katy M. on
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It was a male colleague. Bingo. Men can be so clueless and insensitive. I once had a man ask me why I draw my brows on. Are you kidding me?? What a moron- raised by wolves, idiot. It hurts- but Rene
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Katy - yes, guys can be soooooo insensitive!
Aimee - we had the same experience! I really really thought that after months of wearing the wig without anyone saying anything, my wig must be very realistic. It's the same color and style as my own natural hair. So when that guy asked that question, I was so taken aback and shocked! Then I imagined the worst: maybe everyone could tell but were too polite to ask.
These days, when I meet friends I haven't seen in weeks, they always stare at my hair for longer than necessary and that makes me super uncomfortable and conscious. But when I interact with strangers, they never stare at my hair. Does anyone have the same experience? Do you think your friends that are not aware of your AA know you are wearing a wig?
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I understand that this is a horrible situation for you to be in.
I help people with wigs in New Zealand and even though I absolutely feel people have the right and often the need to be totally secretive around their alopecia and wig wearing. I personally don't advocate for that as an outcome for wearing a wig.
I look after many children and I will often ask them if somebody asks if you are wearing a wig, what will you say....often I will get a very stunned and frightened response.
The reality is you are wearing a wig, as difficult and unwanted as that it. You can keep it a secret that is your god given right...but I have seen how the secret will often wear at a persons soul. I have been very mindful of this for my own daughter and those I help.
Wigs do not take away the ramifications of hairloss, they are tool for presenting yourself in a way that you like. In my experience it has been incredibly helpful for those that wear wigs to have an arsenal of responses that they feel comfortable with.
When a 12 year old comes to see me very upset because they have gone from having no hair to wearing a wig and somebody has noticed. I will encourage them to say something like. Yes, I am wearing a wig...tell me something I don't know (especially if they pick-up the interest is somehow meant to make them feel less than), then I ask them to be positive about their choice saying something like.... Nice isn't it. .....then I will also encourage them to explain why they wear a wig...empowering them to accept and advocate for themselves. This has helped the children and young adults I have been in contact with...especially my daughter. She has been wearing wigs since she was 12 she is now 23.
This is how she told her whole school about her alopecia and wig wearing.... She went through the interview process wearing one of her wigs (medium length, medium brown, curly wig). She didn't mention her wig wearing or her alopecia at the interview (not because she was worried, but because she truly doesn't think it is anything that people will be concerned or bothered with). She got her first teaching job in a school with 2,000 boys aged between 13-18 years old and an extremely large staff. Two weeks after starting teaching she wore a different wig to school (14 inches, blonde, wavy). Everybody noticed and she said to each class as they came in. I wear wigs as I have alopecia, if you would like to know about alopecia or my wig wearing feel free to ask me...and I will explain it all to you (after class). This went extremely well. (Before she did this she warned the HR person and talked with the her immediate work colleagues). It went extremely well and she has never had an incident where bad behaviour has made her feel uncomfortable. She truly felt empowered through the process.
I understand her stand isn't for everyone, I also know without a doubt that the secret can become a burden that can sometimes outweigh the benefit of a wig.
Good luck with everything and if I can be of any assistance please feel free to message me.
Rosy
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Hi Mona I apologize for what happened to you it must be really hard to feel exposed like that. I totally understand you - I wear a wig as well which is also really convincing and also get asked once in a whole if I'm wearing a wig. At first I used to get really mad at those who asked but I once had an experience where the person who asked was actually going through a point where she thought she had alopecia and was going to see a doctor that day actually. I then realized she probably only noticed my wig because she must have been thinking about it all day and it was constantly on her mind. From then on I just keep telling myself that we never really know what is going on in someone elses life. Sometimes people may ask personal questions because they want to know if there are other people like them out there and then again some intrude on others privacy because they simply are rude. Keeping the thought in mind that maybe the person who asked has something going on in their life that I don't know about really helps me get thought these comments and go on with my life. Keep the faith, be strong and don't forget to keep on smiling!
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Permalink Reply by Christine on
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I've always been super open about my Alopecia and before the "wig" I was losing my hair and hid it pretty well but as it got worse, I let people close to me know. I knew how very hard it would be to show up at work in my wig the first day, and because I work in a hospital I felt a bit more comfortable to tell my coworkers what was coming I knew that people would notice my "new hair" and that felt more uncomfortable to me than if I just felt everyone was guessing and wondering and whispering behind my back. But if I went to a new job I think I might not tell at least not right away. People I don't see often I don't tell. I'ts such a personal thing but if I had several wigs that I wanted to change up from time to time of course people would know and I would take the same example that Rose Marie said her daughter did. I don't mind talking about Alopecia In fact I wish more people understood. This person at your work sounded like he was being rude and just mean. I really hope that it wasn't so, but there will always be these people. Sad.
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Permalink Reply by michelle on
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Hi Mona,
I agree with what other are saying. Who knows what others are thinking when making comments. I do think the issue is not so much your response to the individual, but more your emotional reaction. Up until this one comment it sounds like you were living and coping with a AT. While its understandable comments from others can make us feel vulnerable, please do not allow others to take away your power. As a woman with AU I do appreciate where you are coming from.
I'm glad you shared your experience. I wish you well:)
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Permalink Reply by youarebeautiful on
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We all have been there at one point or another. I usually just say, oh I changed my hairstyle.
Or I washed and styled it myself---because after all I did. . .
Or I'll just ignore the question.
I've had some bold people say cruel things when they thought I did not hear them, but I did.
I've had people be angry because they "think" I'm wearing a wig (especially if it looks great! so it's probably not anger, it's jealousy)
no, I do not advertise that I'm wearing a wig, but people can be pretty rude.
I've said--"that's an unusual question" and walk away. . . I've had people actually follow me to my desk demanding an answer. I just give them a strong look. . . and say that I have work to get done.
How ridiculous.
So many times, I've wanted to say something very cruel to them, but I often feel that would be taking it too far.
Just try to be graceful, change the subject and get out of the room if you can.
It's not always smooth going, but I think it's best to say as little as possible if at all.
Ignoring them is the best to me. . .the person is really not (unless they are superbold) going to stand there asking you the same question over and over again and keep getting silence.
Stay strong!!! I'm so glad I have you all to vent.
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http://www.alopeciaworld.com/video/georgia-in-tears?page=-1
Watch this motivating video! It helped me.
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Thank you for the topic. hey, at least your colleague asked. In some places, you wouldn't believe the level of ignorance or just blatant lack of manners i've observed. Here's a couple of instances:
1) One of our new secretaries came in a blonde one week, the next week or two, she was a red head. I didn't think anything of it. I knew she had cancer, and was in chemotherapy, but her hair looked so realistic? it never occurred to me she was wearing a wig. One day, a client came up to window/booth at work, and said "My you have such gorgeous hair". The secretary sitting next to her who was obviously jealous said quite loudly for EVERYONE to hear in the lobby: "IT'S A WIG".. yes, she said it loud enough for me to hear her - all the way in the break room.
Here's the other observation, as well as personal experience.
2) Strangers who walk up especially to women of color and just stick their hands in their hair - then ask: "Is that all yours?" I can't tell you how many times i've heard/observed this complaint in person or especially on the internet or on television. Remember when Justin Bieber presented an award with Esperanza Spalding - yep, he went straight for her hair. (Thank gawd she was gracious enough to tolerate the guy).
I started wearing wigs as a protective style, as part of my hair journey/struggle. The advertisements state that "No one can tell it's a wig"... or "Looks completely natural" ..
Well, even if they could? I've learned not to care at this point. But there's one thing i know that i would do if that question came to mind? I'd keep it to myself, and wait for the person to gain my trust. Regardless of them wearing a wig or not, i'd accept them anyway.
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