Alopecia World
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Boss asked me if my hair was real
Hello all,
I was diagnosed with alopecia almost 8 months ago when I first started losing my hair. I am an "essential worker" and have worked onsite alongside my lateral colleagues and subordinates through most of the pandemic. I've been candid with those who I know well. I interact with my boss and upper management via zoom only. The director of my department was hired during the pandemic, and we haven't been getting along. At the core I think it's hard to establish trust online.
Now that you have the background, on to today, Thursday. Monday I wore a wig to work for the first time. I just don't have enough hair left to make hats look decent any more. I have never been more nervous about how I look ever. But for the most part, it's gone well, especially because I feel comfortable around the people I work with.
Today I joined in on a meeting the director was hosting. The director started out the meeting (included several people, but no one I've talked about the wig to) by saying my name and, "look at your hair? Is it REAL?"
I just nodded no because I was on mute and kind of shocked. Director responded, "Ah, I thought so." and then moved on to actual business.
Because of this experience, I feel like I wasted a lot of money on this wig, and I don't want to wear it. More importantly, I want to call out this behavior and let the director know how inappropriate it was. But they make twice the salary as me and we don't have a good working relationship. Anyone have a similar experience or advice on how I can do this tactfully and in a way that makes helpful impact?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Washi on
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Hi, so sorry to hear you had this experience. No-one has the right to call you out in that forum like he did! When I started working, I was already wearing a wig. Back then, the wigs were such bad quality and it was pretty obvious that it wasn't my real hair, but nobody in my work place ever made me feel bad about it. I'm Muslim, and eventually I wanted to wear hijab. Not to cover my baldness, but for religious reasons. All the stares and unwanted comments dried up. Now, I feel compelled to speak about it when I come across a fellow AU sufferer to let them know they're not alone, and that I understand.
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Permalink Reply by Eve on
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I think you have a legitimate complaint. It is likely you don't want that to happen in the future to you or any other person suffering from Alopecia. The mention of your condition being a medical problem is worth reporting to management with an article on various types of Alopecia. That alone should cause any WOKE company to be more aware of how insensitive comments do not belong in the workplace.
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Permalink Reply by John on
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He probably just noticed your hair looked different and instinctively commented on it trying to be nice. It probably didn't occur to him you were self conscious about it. If you confront him about it you will probably succeed in making him feel bad, if he doesn't already. I definitely wouldn't quit wearing the wig because of it. The point of a wig is to look nice and if your hair looks completely different and really nice all of a sudden you shouldn't take offense when people comment on it, even if they do so rather clumsily.
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One of the primary purposes of Manners is to facilitate the comfort of others. Obviously this guy has none so you can take a few pages out of TW’s, “Asshole Alert: Please Pass The Verbal Toilet Paper” (or not:)
-“Why do you ask?” Let’s put the defense back on the idiot. Always said neutrally or in my preferred sticky sweet, harmless voice. Who, moi?! Be rude? Gasp and pearl clutch, Nevah!
-“Is your’s?”Again said sweetly. To any response they may utter, “Oh....how....INteresting!” Always with a smile, always, OK? Preferably a bored smile. I’ve called people all kinds of less than flattering adjectives with a smile and they’re completely flummoxed by the incongruity of my words, the intonation and my facial expression. They’re not at all certain what to respond to in this scenario. Before they can offer a weak if any response, I’ve changed the topic to my love of all things arachnid. A lot of people are freaked out by spiders and their relatives: Let’s give them a nice mental horror pix to contemplate while you’ve successfully changed the topic or best response, you walk away.
-“What an....odd observation. Perhaps you should make an eye appointment to get that checked out.” Said with a visage of mixed horror, confusion and concern.
-“Excuse me? (Concern) Oh I’m so sorry your merkin has become...dislodged. The bathroom is over there” and helpfully point in some vague direction.
-“Huh?” (Confused look.) Oh, I’m SO sorry your Aunt Harriet has (enter some kind of unlikely illness such as) rickets, Ebola, a “Social Disease” etc. Or (such fun!) just make up a word salad “disease.” That’ll work.
-Change the topic or better yet, SILENCE. Accompanied by a preoccupied little smile while contemplating your social media/lint on the floor/the light fixture etc. Most people can not stand silence. I can out silence a corpse.
Seriously. Let’s get this abundantly clear, my friend: A question is NOT a Court Order, OK? You are not under oath. You do not have a prison sentence, a “furlough,” the sword of Damocles, or an Executioner with a large
(hopefully) sharp instrument meant to disarticulate your head from the rest of your body in position over your prostrate body. *YOU ARE NEVER, EVER OBLIGATED TO ANSWER A PERSONAL/INTRUSIVE QUESTION.* From anyone. Period, the end.
Finally, the art of mastery/how one gets to the Olympics is practice, practice, practice, OK? The most beautiful, expensive, flattering hair you wear is not gonna work if you don’t rock it with Confidence. YOU wear your hair, your hair does not wear you. Head up, shoulders back, put Bob Seeger’s “Strut” on repeat in your head or head phones.
Hair or not, assholes are ubiquitous. Unlike them, you are unique. Please remember, you’re not what’s ON your head, you’re what’s IN your head.
And that’s more than enough.
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Permalink Reply by Tuesday on
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Great response! I agree with every word. And to OP - I am so sorry this happened to you. I can picture the entire scenario so vividly because this sort of thing has happened to me many times. I had a client , with whom I was discussing an issue, who started looking at my scalp and then interrupted my conversation and leaned over and whispered loudly (of course!) , "Are YOU WEARING A WIG?" I didn't particularly like this woman and I said, "NO" and went back to the business at hand. But many times people have been rude. Conversely, I've had a lot of women admire my "perfect hair" and pester me repeatedly to hand out the name of my hair stylist and colourist. It's not just a casual question - they are insistent I hand over this information. The rudeness of some people ...
Some others here have mentioned the possibility of investing in a better wig (i.e. a more expensive wig). For me, I can not afford expensive wigs. A non-monofilament is well above my budget at close to $225 (Canadian) . If I can, I will sometimes buy a monofilament but prices have risen so high - it's just not something I can afford to do too often.
I just think people should back off. Wear what you like and what you enjoy and can afford. You don't need to explain anything to anyone. This guy and ones like him is obviously missing a filter. Even if you approached him privately to explain or ask him to not ask more questions, I suspect he'd just tell other co-workers about your "wig". Sigh. Just please know that you are not alone .
And listen to Tundra Woman above me in this thread - she knows what's going on!! :)
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Permalink Reply by eve of horus on
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Thank you all for your comments. It's so helpful for me just to hear from other people like me. I am feeling very supported. :) :) :)
Fast forward to today. I confronted this director in person and said I had a medical condition and asked her not to bring attention to it. She apologized but then probed 3 TIMES asking, ""what do you have?" "What is your diagnosis" etc.
I had a meeting scheduled with the ombud later that week to address something she said to me in January; "Your job is at risk." I felt that was a flat out threat and power play, being that I'be been promoted 4 times in 8 years and was peer nominated for "manager of the year" 3 times, including this year. I brought up this threat, I brought up that asking me about my diagnosis and about my wig being a workplace violation. She said that it was totally fine for her to say these things if she wanted to, because she's the director. I included our director of HR iand he shrugged it off. He said he "didn't think this was any big deal" and decided not to be involved any more.
So that's the end of that. I decided she doesn't know how to do her job and will just have to ignore her inappropriate comments from now on (I am documenting them).
I'm still wearing the wig. But I don't like it. I keep it at work because I ride my bike to work. I sneak through the halls with my bike helmet on until I get to the locker room. It takes more time to put on than styling my hair used to take. Plus I don't like the style. I'm shopping for another wig that I like better and hopefully that will take less time to style. This wig is...poofy so I have to tame it down with barrettes. Based on the comments from other co-workers the wig isn't fooling anyone. However, everyone else has been super nice. I've felt good talking to everyone else at work about it, even the ladies who walked into the locker room mid-wig-application.
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Nope, nope, nope, none of this is remotely acceptable in any situation never mind a business setting. The following assumes you are in the US: If not, look at the next response:
Please contact your State’s local employment office and use words like “hostile workplace” and “Employer Violations of Medical Privacy Act” afforded by State and Federal Laws and request assistance in filing a complaint at the State and Federal Level. Her behavior is wwwaaayyy over the line, just ohhellno.
I am sorry you “confronted” her in no small part because your definition of “confront” is “roll over and play dead” and disclosing HIGHLY PERSONAL INFORMATION and mine is “BRING IT: I will “reign” down upon you my tried and true Rules of Engagement and it will be an ambush.You’ll never see it commin’ Here’s how it plays out:
-An sudden and relentless artillery bombardment, followed immediately by
-a thorough carpet bombing followed by
-a napalm bombardment (my dear, I’m simply gifting you a free cremation! Be gracious!)
-concluding with a six foot salting of the earth so nothing will EVAH attempt to bloom in your cold, dead heart again.
Some people are simply socially...lacking. This person is an unmitigated BULLY. How do I know that? Please note her response to your “Here’s my tender underbelly, please pet me!” attempt at some kind of peace offering/placation: Did she accept it? NO. In fact once you gave her that very humane little morsel of highly personal info, she spayed you. She took that highly personal medical info and freakin’ slapped you into a series of overwhelming unconscious knee jerk responses with it because hello? Knock, knock? This particular brand of odious idiot should have tattooed on her forehead, “DOES NOT DO BOUNDARIES AT ALL” or “DOES NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS.” This is the behavior of a pathological Bully. We are considerably more constrained in our verbiage in the DSM as the ICD does not have a code called “Asshole” and we do appreciate being paid. Nonetheless we are well aware Bullies exist, no?!
I am not a fan of going corporate, aka “Human Resources.” That designation is “1984” speak for “My job is to make sure we don’t get sued” while they give you salubrious sympathetic hand pats and “There, there now, you’re fffinneee!” And they do exactly nothing. Just my opinion. I also believe in being post haste pro-active as reactive immediately places you in the one-down position-which is the position from which your professional burial will ensue.
You are terminally polite, my friend. I think a little tincture of Unmitigated Umbrage is in order ;-)
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Oh hell no. Report that to the EEOC. (Asking what condition you have.) They can't ask medical questions and HR KNOWS THAT:
Once a person is hired and has started work, an employer generally can only ask medical questions or require a medical exam if the employer needs medical documentation to support an employee's request for an accommodation or if the employer has reason to believe an employee would not be able to perform a job successfully or safely because of a medical condition.
https://www.eeoc.gov/pre-employment-inquiries-and-medical-questions...
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I don't take satisfaction in my comment. I suggest you do your best to cope with those outside you social cercal unaware of your Alopecia.
I have has alopecia totalis for 45 years.
I can't tell you how many times good but unaware people thought I had a terminal desease.
On the other side of people, I was called a skinhead nasi.
To this day alopecia and my build intimidates a lot of people.
As you know we're close to treatment. The sun is on the rise with this disorder. It is also looking to be an employee market very soon.
Knowing very little other than what was wrote. I don't believe it was malicious.
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This is difficult! I was fortunate at the time I decided to get a wig. I was going out of the country for almost a month, so I had that time to get used to it on my own terms. No one knew me, or had seen me, so they didn't know what my "natural" was. It was still hard when I got back and had to face my friends and family, but I was already used to the "new me". I forget most of the time now, but every once in a while someone will make a comment that reminds me. I know they mean well, but it still hurts. The thing now for me is I feel like I now look like the inside me again, so I have more confidence.
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In situ, an inquiry such as “Is that your REAL hair?” certainly can not be conclusive of malicious intent on the part of the individual asking the question. I’ve had many people remark on my hair over decades and the graciousness of their question, the circumstances of the inquiry, their relationship to and with me etc. are my cues regarding how to respond. Effectively I am mirroring the nature of their inquiry. As a long term hairless medical marvel I have many ready responses at hand.
However, considering OP’s disclosures in the original post, “We don’t get along,” the inquiry occurring within the context of a *business* relationship, involving other colleagues, further enlightening the reader with the reality this same person THREATENED her livelihood, followed by OP’s later disclosure of her medical condition to the inquiry provides ample context in which to evaluate the nature of the question. OP continues to illuminate that context: To wit,”She apologized” which is fine-and should end the inquiries.
*That did not happen* <THIS. Pay attention.
There is a very useful idiom which applies: Everything after a “but” is bull shit. That apology was as faux as a reproduction “antiquity.”
Following this “apology” OP relates this individual’s continuing inappropriate inquiries, THREE more highly personal (and illegal in my venue) probing questions regarding OP’s medical condition. This continued intrusive questioning invalidates any pretense of apology or good will.
I am very fluent in Bitch Speak. I would not have survived (literally) my biological mother if I couldn’t correctly interpret atmosphere, mommy-dearest’s barometric pressure never mind words, sentences, context and body language. Translations provided free on request ;-)
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