Feeling defeated, frustrated, and depressed

Every time university is about to start up I start thinking about how I'm going to be wearing my wig everyday and how I am pretty much lying to everyone that I meet by hiding the real me. It's so frustrating because I've gotten so used to being bald at home after almost eight years, but I'm still terrified of letting the cat out of the bag at school. I'm so tired of trying to figure out when to tell people or if I should tell people. I hate that I let my alopecia limit what I do, but I just can't stop worrying about what I would do if I got a really negative response in a place where I have to go to everyday. I love playing soccer and a lot of other sports, but I've never actually used my campus recreation center because it is just too hot wearing a wig and I'm too petrified to go without it. I have lived in georgia for 5 years now, and I still haven't managed to tell any of my friends about my alopecia (although they probably have guessed by now since I have an identical non-alopecian twin). I have a thyroid disorder as well which can cause depression so maybe that is what's talking right now, but either way that's the way I'm feeling right now. I have so much resentment for my twin because she didn't get alopecia so the "why me" attitude is going crazy right now and I don't know how to shut it down. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is just passing me by because I'm too scared to fully participate. I feel so trapped, but I'm also disgusted with myself. It drives me nuts that I still can't just move on after all this time. Sorry for the rant I didn't feel like making my family feel bad because they can't do anything to make it better.

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Permalink Reply by Dielle on August 13, 2011 at 1:24am
Intellectually I know that people are not going to be obsessing over my alopecia like I am, but emotionally its hard for me to accept because for the three years of middle school a group of kids made it their mission to torment me on a daily basis because of my alopecia. So they were really focused on it. Middle school is probably one of the nastiest times for anybody (kids are vicious at that age) so I know that its not the norm but I've never been able to get over all of the stuff that happened because it was so intense for so long during a time of large emotional strain due to health reasons and the worsening of my alopecia. I wish I had told somebody at the time because I think I wouldn't be having such a hard time now, but my family didn't even learn of this until a couple of years ago (I'm now a junior in college). I've never really thought of alopecia as something that defines me, but it is something that has made me insecure. I don't know if this is the case for anyone else, but I don't care about being bald in front of people I'm never going to see again. It seems that the only time I have a problem with it is when I am in front of people who I will be seeing on a daily basis for an extended period of time (which makes sense when considering everything that happened). I don't know how to move past the emotional scars that I picked up when I was younger, but I know I need to. I just don't know how you move past being emotionally terrorized on a daily basis for so long.
Permalink Reply by MiNAH on August 9, 2011 at 12:42am
No more Feeling defeated, frustrated, and depressed ... "WAKE UP!"
Wake up from your deep dark sleep, because you are going nowhere, as if you were travelling through a MAZE GOING NOWHERE A DEAD END OF ENDLESS EMPTY DREAMS.......
Permalink Reply by Liz on August 9, 2011 at 8:40pm
Hi! I can relate in some respects to what you are going through. I have had a hair loss problem for about 30 years, and I'm 51 now. I started losing my hair in college and have lost most of it on top and the rest is extremely thin. Over the years I have experimented with a lot of ways to deal with my hair loss. I don't like to be seen without a wig or a hat, but I do not mind telling my close friends. It is summer right now in Ohio and I wear wigs everyday, but when it gets above 80 degrees, i find it difficult to wear a wig. I have collected a number of inexpensive hats and scarves that I enjoy wearing. Some people notice and others don't. I usually feel pretty good about myself as long as I am wearing something pretty on my head. Probably you don't want people to stare or think you have cancer, if you don't.

I guess the best thing that is happened to me is that all this has given me an excuse to experiment with different wigs and hats, and I have a lot of fun with it. Some people do ask me about my wigs, and I tell them that I wear them for fun as well as hair loss. I consider it almost like a part of my personality, in a positive way.

Do you enjoy playing with different wigs or hats? You might enjoy looking at tips for wearing hats on websites that sell them. Where do you get your wigs? Do they look good on you? If not, try a new style or get a hairstylist to help you find a style that is most flattering. Maybe starting to be proactive about it will help to motivate you.

Anyway, it seems to usually work for me. I hope you feel better soon.
Permalink Reply by Karen Smith on August 12, 2011 at 10:35pm
My daughter is starting her second year of college and she is "rushing" next week. She was prevented from doing this last year because alopecia was new to her and she had not figured out how to deal with it her way. She wears all lace wigs, uses super tape and changes them in the shower. she stores the extra one in a storage box that looks like an ottaman. She tells people that are close to her but does not want to trust strangers with her condition. She does not feel like a fake, her wigs have become part of her. She feels naked without them. I am just excited that she is excited about school etc. She has a boyfriend that knows and when they were broken up last year she dated alot. The alopecia really has not stopped her. Find your way to deal with it and get on with life. Lace wigs have not been hot for her because she shaves her head.
Permalink Reply by Dielle on August 13, 2011 at 1:11am
Hey,

Thanks for your response! I have actually tried lace wigs before, unfortunately I have a really sensitive scalp so that didn't turn out so good with the glue or the tape. I guess what is hard for me is that I don't feel naked without my wig on because I've been bald for so long and I always walk around my house without it on (literally gets whipped off my head the second I get back), so it feels alien to me most of the time. I've been talking a lot with my mum and my twin and I think I'm kind of figuring it out so we will see, but I tend to chicken out at the last second a lot. I live at home so its not really an issue trying to hide it, its more that I just am so used to the bald me that it feels more like the real me than I do with my wig on (but don't get me wrong I like the way my wig looks). I think I'm just at a weird tipping point.

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