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Hair loss affecting a marriage -- am I the only one?
I'm not sure what I'm hoping for -- advice?? Someone else who knows what I'm going through?
But I'm surprised I have not seen this mentioned anywhere, or maybe I missed it.
My hair loss has really affected our marriage. My husband says he has a hard time finding me attractive anymore, and it's obvious from his actions as well. Obviously this has all kinds of ramifications.
How do other people cope with this??
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Michelle on
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I am so sorry to hear this. It actually makes me a little mad. I'm sure he has mixed emotions but geez stand by your lady! My husband married me this way so I guess it's not a good comparison. I think it is probably a good idea to seek some counseling. I imagine you both are grieving a loss. I truly believe that if he devotes himself to adjusting to the change he will be successful in reframing his view of attractiveness he has for you.
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Permalink Reply by Mary Burns on
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Hi There,
I know exactly how you feel only its me. I don't think or sorry I can't imagine how anyone would find me attractive anymore when I take my wig off. My husband has been very supportive BUT I can sense a difference in his opinion of me. It has completely ruined my confidence.
I do hope your husband starts to understand how soul destroying all this for you
Kind regards
Mary
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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I went back to get another teaching credential after he ran off with the long-haired younger secretary, and then I found male friends who were also bald or balding. They accepted my alopecia.
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Permalink Reply by R0BB on
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Hi Jenny -
The "shock" that is felt by our husbands/wives/girl friends/boy friends / family members / friends is understandable.....
to a point.
Its normal for the people in our lives to need a slight mindset adjustment once they witness the unique changes attributed with our alopecia situation(s).
At the end of the day , your husband either loves you entirely or he doesn't.
They either understand , are willing to understand or they can not .
If they can not ,,,, turn and walk in the opposite direction .
Time to clean house , and have a companionship YARD SALE .
- Peace
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Our marriage isn't in the greatest shape, and I'm sure the hair loss isn't helping. I have realized that I really wanted my husband to tell me that I am beautiful with or without hair, that I am the same person he fell in love with, and that hair doesn't make any difference. He tells me he loves me, but I think the only place I'm going to get full acceptance is from my young children. My husband has said he wishes it was different, but essentially he doesn't find me very attractive without hair.
We struggle a bit because I'm not really into wearing wigs and seem to be unwilling to wear them just to please my husband. I know he finds me more attractive with hair, and could even see wigs as an improvement over the hair I used to have. I will wear a wig for a social occasion, but just for daily life as a stay at home mom, I rarely put one on. To me wigs feel like putting on a costume and like sending the message to myself that I am not OK as I am. ("As I am" is with the useless bit of white hair I shave every couple of weeks.) It has become a bit of an internal battle for me, as if to preserve some sense of self and self worth, I have to deal with hair loss the way it feels right to me, and not to please someone else. Even the advertisement next to this text window tells me that I have no excuse not to have thick, long locks. Sigh. I didn't choose to lose my hair. I'm sure my husband didn't choose me for my hair (I haven't been a blonde since I was one or two!), and I don't think alopecia will be a deal breaker for us. I just wish I felt more supported.
I get that it is an adjustment for my husband as well as me, but as R0BB wrote, in the end he is either loving and .committed or not. I don't even know you, and I know that you are just as valuable and worthwhile a person with or without a full head of hair, and it does seem that we deserve to be treated as if that is the case.
If I were giving myself advice, I would say my husband and I needed to do more things to build a connection and some romance without focusing on hair at all. I'd like to think that if I just go confidently into the world, my husband will follow my cues, and while I don't think it is that simple, I think that wouldn't hurt.
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Costume? Then, since we are all born with Birthday Suits, I take it you wear yours to school, work and the neighborhood still, right? Nekked as a jaybird? Wigs are no more costumes for our natural bods than underwear or clothing...or make-up, glasses, dental work, hearing aids, and pacemakers, right?
I keep a variety of options for myself, depending on mood. You might try Turkish scarves, modesty scarves, pretty caps, etc., too. The whole world is costumed!
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I was just saying how it feels to me. Everyone (at least around here) wears clothes in public. Most people don't put on fake hair to go out. I am physically more comfortable bald or in a soft cap or scarf than in a wig, and I have gone without hair long enough that it has started to feel normal for me. So, while I am fine with meeting societal expectations for clothing my body, clothing my head is something else. For me wearing a wig isn't about modesty, and I see men going about bald seemingly without a care, so I question society's emphasis on female worth as tied to appearance. Hearing aids and such are functional in a way that hair is not (I can stay warm or keep the sun off just fine with a hat). I almost never wear makeup. I probably should be more disciplined about wearing wigs so that I can look better and make others more comfortable--wait--where are these "shoulds" coming from? I honestly don't know whether embracing baldness would make me feel better about myself or, if I felt better about myself, whether I would embrace wigs. I do know that I really can't see myself as a 24/7 wig wearer, so my husband would have to face the lack of hair at some point.
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Permalink Reply by Christine on
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Hi there Tallgirl, you hit it right on the head (pun intended) I wear my Gripper full time, except sleep, my husband had a really hard time accepting that I wanted to shave my head, when I had hardly any left, and it all went anyways! I was a little angry with him at the time, I think he just wasn't ready to accept my total loss of hair, but I had been preparing myself. I don't consider my hair any different than clothing, or makeup, which I never leave home without! I'm not hidding my head from my husband, and he sees it everyday. but I prefer myself with hair, after all I prefer myself with makeup too. I really feel for you having it affect your marriage in such a profound way. Im assuming that your husband does love you the same, but it seems so shallow to me that he can't seem to get past this, most men expect to be loved and wanted the same if they go bald!!! I always think about the doctor whom I work with making the statement "my husband would leave me if I even thought about cutting my hair" really?? at the time all I could think was "don't get Breast Cancer and lose a breast" really so much harder I would think. Please seek out counselling.
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Reading this thread has made me feel so sad. I first noticed hair loss back in May (just around my ears and then realised that my hairline was receeding). Only last week I was finally diagnosed as having FFA (after researching on the internet I knew back in May what I had so it was no surprise). My husband has been absolutely fantastic (we have just celebrated our 25th anniversary and have been together 29 years...celebrated my 50th birthday just before our anniversary so it's been quite a year!). Not only is he my husband, he is truly my best friend and has also been my business partner for the past 12 years, so we spend the vast majority of our time with each other. As soon as I noticed my hair loss, and we realised it was never going to regrow, he reassured me all the time how much he loved me and that, to him, I would always be beautiful. I'm the kind of person who will always try to put a positive slant on things and and my husband is too...he's keen on telling me that should I have to wear a wig then I can have an extra half hour in bed with him in the mornings (as I won't have to do my hair) and I'll save a fortune by not having to buy hairspray...cheeky sod. :) I honestly feel that I can face whatever this condition throws at me as I know that I'll have him supporting me every step of the way.
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I think you, Pavla, have found the Key Ingredient: the best friend relationship with your partner. Friends stick by each other (real friends, that is). When a man is a friend, too, rather than just someone who wants a woman to LOOK a certain way, STAY a certain way, or BE a certain way for his friends, family or bragging rights, then the relationship can continue with depth, despite what curve balls nature may throw into the mix. A FUN and WISE man will make deals (like the morning fun) to encourage his lady with alopecia.
Ever see the movie Johnny Lingo and the Eight-Cow Wife?
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Hi Pavla reading your comments your reminded me so much of myself. I have FFA which was diagnosed around 6 months ago. I am a widow, now running a business on my own without my husband. Your husband's reaction and comments are just the same as my husbands would have been. We both are very lucky, I find it so sad that some men can be so cruel, surely they realise the most important thing is that alopecia is not life threatening, their wife may be losing her hair, but for goodness sake it's surely better than losing your wife!!!!
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Permalink Reply by withhope on
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For the most part wigs are uncomfortable itchy and hot, you could spend a couple thousand and buy one that's wonderful but their costly.
Have you tried to find a support group in your area that might help?
In 2007 I was engaged to who I thought was a great guy who had a full head of hair at 52 lucky guy!! It was my first experience with Alopecia I got very depressed and joined this group. I finally shaved what was left on my head and bought some wigs, hats and bandannas. At the time I worked in school and everyone knew what I had I was fully excepted for who I am and who I was. I went to the doctor and had painful shots that DIDN'T work they hurt a lot and I just said to myself this just isn't worth it anymore. My husband to be broke up with me said he could't deal with it anymore although he drank excessively I learned later it was for the good. We didn't have God in our lives never went to church and even talked about him. Now I am a stay at home person I am married to a bald guy who loves me for who I am. We have God in our lives and strive daily to keep him there. God loves you for who you are not what you look like he knows the deepest hurts and his door is always open. I would not be here today if I thought differently.
This is part of my story not intended to take away from yours or to distract from yours,
God bless you both pray for him to adjust I'm sure you are as beautiful today as the day he meet you with or without hair.
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