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How do I ever feel sexy again?
Hi All -
Wanting some advice and tips on how to feel "sexy" again. My husband and I are having a tough time in relation to intimacy. I have lost all self-confidence and he doesn't seem to understand why.
He is saying that it's always my issues that we have to overcome, and that he still finds me attractive, sexy and wants me to want him. I find myself thinking of everything like I don't want him to see me without my hat on, what if my hat falls off during intimacy, etc., etc., etc.
Am I self-sabotaging?! I wear wigs during the day - should I wear one to overcome the self-consciousness?
How do I get my mojo back??
He is trying to find his own way of dealing with my lack of sex drive. I would hate to think of how he is going to "deal with this."
In a way it feels like he is chucking a tantrum because things aren't going his way.
Has anyone been through this? What did you do to overcome it? HELP?!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by TTs_mommy on
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I have no idea. I am still able to cover my bald patches, but it's quickly falling out and and I am beginning to wonder this as well.
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Permalink Reply by Fiona on
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It is a matter of you accepting you
This is nothing to do with him
As long as you look to him to solve it, you will stay stuck
I have Alopecia Universalis
No hair anywhere - no eyebrows no eyelashes.
For a year I hid under my wig. It was my motorbike that got me to take the first step!! Imagine trying to take your wig off and get your helmet on with no one seeing!! So I took myself out one day - just me, to a local tourist spot. I took my helmet off and did not try to put the wig on. No one knew me so it was not so 'personal'. I treated myself to a coffee and pastry at a local coffee shop. I sat at a pavement table and just watched the world go by No one gave me a second look
Bit by bit - step by small step - I started going "topless" (no wig) in the various parts of my life. My last step was doing it in front of my dance friends where how you look is such a big part of it. I chose Halloween to do it and had my girlfriend do a Henna Crown for me. I made an outfit out of it "Egyptian high priestess" and won 3 Halloween costume competitions!!
Now I go without my wig and I have my mojo back. I took my power back. I AM sexy.
Its not about how others perceive you, it is about how YOU perceive you.
So my advice is NOT to hide under a hat or wig during intimacy because at the back of your brain that worry will be there that it will slip
Your husband is being supportive. He says he finds you sexy and wants to make out with you. Allow yourself to believe!
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This is the night i came out to my dance friends
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It certainly took me a long while to feel like anyone would "want" me!! Small steps
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Permalink Reply by Nat on
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I love the picture! You look so beautiful and confident!
What can you tell to someone like me who lost her confidence and does not feel attractive at all? How do you overcome to become the woman you're now? I am asking this because I feel like I have to do something to feel better otherwise I will not move forward.
Once, I shaved my hair and asked a good friend to tell me honestly how I looked: she recommended that I keep wearing a wig. It's been years now and I still wear wigs, but my confidence is so low. I don't have pretty facial features, so I don't have the courage to go bald. I am working on raising my confidence.
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Are you self-sabotaging? I think the answer is yes, definitely, but I know it isn't so easy just to change that. Should you wear a wig? There is no "should" about it. You can think about what works for you and what doesn't and try different things, but in the end it is your decision.
I'm kind of a poster child for unsexy (middle aged, mostly bald, tired mom), so I know it is easier to think of changes than to actually make them. If your husband says he finds you attractive, why not take him at his word? If you feel unattractive yourself, what could you do, unrelated to your hair, to boost your self confidence? Do you feel good about your physical shape? Is there some outside interest you would like to pursue? What in your life makes you feel good about you?
Do you feel valued for who you are as a person?
My only immediate suggestions are pretty obvious ones. Turn off the lights, or have some fun by getting a playful wig that might be one you'd never wear normally.
And if it seems that he is putting it all on you, give some thought to what he could do to make intimacy more attractive to you (I know I'd find my husband a heck of a lot sexier if he got up with the kids some mornings or helped with the dishes!).
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Permalink Reply by Tovah on
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I really love this answer. I also think that you're probably married to a pretty good guy. Once I came out with it and didn't feel I had to try to hide my hairloss, it all just kind of wasn't a priority anymore. YOU have to come up with the drive to be a partner with your husband. Is this fairly new for you? If so, I understand. If not, let him know how you feel so that he knows it's not him, it's your feelings and they should count for something.
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Permalink Reply by Kimberly on
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I remember feeling the same way, how ugly I was, and so on. It was "me". I had to get over my insecurities. I can't help my loss of hair. Honestly, it's a daily struggle you have to tackle head on. You need to look in the mirror and tell yourself positive thoughts, "you are beautiful". Personally, it hasn't been an easy ride, but I do know I am so much more than my hair or lack of these days. ha ha. Good luck and God bless!
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Permalink Reply by Angel on
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This is something you have to figure out for yourself what makes you feel sexy. Your husband can't do that for you. Reading your post, your husband is very supportive.
I lost my hair and eyebrows over 18 years ago and went through a major depression over this. It took a long while to move past this. My husband and that time was so very supportive. He still found me pretty, sexy and amazing. And to this day he still does even though we are no longer together.
I never hid my baldness during itimacy with him. I would wear my makeup and pretty lingerie to feel good about myself. And I still do that to this day.
The devastating situation I had after the separation was that no other man would. Well I have found an amazing man that accepts me and loves it.
Don't get me wrong I still at time have a hard time with it. I would still give anything to have my hair back. But this is what we are dealt and have to become stronger for it.
Bald Women are Beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Permalink Reply by paula on
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do whatever makes YOU happy. i have fellow "alopecians" who are totally comfortable walking around bald. i commend them, but that is NOT me. and it's ok not to do what you don't want to do. you are still sexy! find yourself a sexy "night time wig" that looks as closely like your hair in the past! there are great internet option where you don't have to spend a lot.
purchase some wig tape to keep it in place should you want to wear it for intimacy. it will stay put!
i'm not saying that you don't, because i don't know, but do little things to make yourself feel pretty....a little make up, a mani-pedi.....pretty new blouse....make a date with your hubby and dress up and "flirt" again. you can do it!
when you get home, just go for it. remember how you use to feel when you first met. of course it won't be the same, but i can be even better!
sexy is in you mind. you still have it, i know it.
don't let alopecia win, and don't let alopecia bring you down. you are stronger, and better, than your hair.
just dig deep, make a mental effort to put the "zing" back into your relationship. you can do it. you almost have to "act your way" into that state of mind, but once you do it over and over, it becomes a way of life and reflects who you really are.
good luck. i have confidence in you!
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