Alopecia World
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How to accept being ugly
This is going to sound majorly harsh, but hear me out.
I feel like the "bald is beautiful" is a lie we tell ourselves and others just to feel better. I don't think bald is beautiful. I think some can be beautiful IN SPITE of being bald, but it will always detract from their appearance. I don't want to pamper myself and say that if I take a bubble bath and get new clothes and work on the rest of my appearance and "do things to make myself feel pretty" I'll feel attractive, because guess what, I'm not, and I won't try to fool myself into thinking I am. I'm sorry, I realize how insulting to everyone this sounds, but looks DO weigh more than personality in the world. Unfair and sucky, but it's true and we all know it. Jobs, dating, personal worth largely hinges on social perception of ourselves. I can't look a certain way and I can't fool myself into feeling a certain way and so normally I focus on other things, but I'm still never really ok. I go through life knowing that disgust is power, and so no one will mess with me because in a way, walking around with a half smooth half shaved head makes me look tough. But still, I know I am still not ok with my ugliness.
There must be a way to peace without lying to myself. Question is, how can I come to terms and accept that I am ugly? Any thoughts?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by BBQueen on
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Hi, I feel like my life is over too, but i'm only 39. How am I'm going to get through the next 50 years with this? It's such a nightmare. Best of Luck to you!
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Permalink Reply by Xeljanzmiracle on
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Hi BBQueen. You don't say what type of alopecia you have. Is it AA (patchy bald spots), AT (loss of all hair on head), or AU (loss of ALL body hair)? If its autoimmune, your hair CAN grow back by taking a Jak inhibitor like Xeljanz. See my discussion entitled "From Totally Bald to Regrowth in One Month!" Its not the end of the world, we do have hope!
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I am also 60. I've had Alopecia since I was in my early 30s. For about 25 years, I hid it. I used a lot of hairspray to move my existing hair to the bald areas. I did that while getting regular steroid injections to my scalp. The injections worked for about 20 years; then they stopped working. Now I am about 99% bald; and the skin on my scalp is so thin and sensitive from long-term steroid injections. My scalp has visible broken blood vessels & itches constantly from wigs. I like the thought of feeling bald & beautiful, but my scalp has been abused from all the treatments. I am sad too.
I fear that if my grandchildren ever caught a glimpse of my bald head, it would frighten them. I don't want to traumatize my grandchildren, so I spend very little time with them and avoid activities that could dislodge my wig. Makes me feel unlovable, and my kids don't understand why I don't want to impose my ugliness onto their babies.
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Permalink Reply by Lishah on
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:c You are not ugly, You weren't born to be ugly, You weren't born with an ugly soul.
Come to terms with accepting that this is in fact who you are, you can't help it; its a lot easier said than done, but you aren't alone. Just remember to nurture your soul, the true being inside you, not the shell that surrounds you. Your body is your home, your heart/feelings is your soul, your mind is a trick.
Always remember you are the most beautiful when you are smiling and happy.
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We're all entitled to our feelings, but unfortunately society judges women pretty harshly. My hair loss was slow, and I was so self-conscious that it affected my personality. When I figured out how ridiculous that was, and my true friends and family convinced me to just have fun with wigs, my life changed. As soon as I put on a hairpiece, I could focus on health and root causes, not on appearance. That is freeing me to take the slow, careful, natural route to discovering the cause rather than trying the latest quick-fixes.
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Permalink Reply by JeffreySF on
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This may sound harsh too...
Put on a blindfold. Now what? You can't see anything!
Be thankful for what you do have!
I know it's tough but you can make it through this. We all do.
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Bald is beautiful, at least compared to bald or mostly bald with poison oak on my face. Seriously, I think there is room to appreciate what we have. I may not look good with little or no hair, but just to make sure I know what truly hideous is, my cat gets into poison oak now and then and sleeps on my pillow. This time I'm hopeful my eyes won't swell shut and my neck swell to a lumpy mass. I don't aspire to gorgeous. I aspire to being happy with myself and not attracting too much attention. If my worth is based on looks, then I am doomed anyway, because I plan to become an old woman. Looks may matter a lot, but there are ample opportunities for women, and men, to be judged on their brains and personality.
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Please don't call yourself ugly!!!! Don't let "hair" make or break you! I am not bald, but the top of my head is well on it's way. I have scarring alopecia which means what I have lost will never grow back. I look at it this way, it doesn't hurt, it's not going to kill me and I'm still me inside. I wear a hair piece and wouldn't dare go out without it or my hat with hair. If you feel more comfortable with a wig, then by all means, wear one!!! Some of us are just not ready to show off the bald! That perfectly OK!!! Make peace with yourself first and then with the disease. I agree with Mindy, some meetings and maybe some counseling would help. I hope you can find some peace and not consider yourself ugly. Things could be so much worse!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Marie on
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Hi danaa1040. Like you, I wear wigs. This is not particularly about your post; I agree with what you are saying. But I take issue with a general idea that people wear wigs because they are not "ready" to go without one. This implies that going bald is somehow a noble path to to total acceptance. Going bald is not a sign a person has accepted their Alopecia any more than wearing a wig. For many, wearing a wig is accepting their Alopecia. I tell everyone who complements my hair that I have Alopecia; I don't keep my wigs a secret from anyone. I think this qualifies as accepting my Alopecia. Although some people do have going bald as an eventual goal, I'm not waiting to be ready to do that. I have no intention of going bald, and I don't think I'm betraying some goal by permanently wearing wigs. Often, I feel that the idea one who goes bald has accepted their Alopecia more than a person who wears wigs is a persuasive and subtle attitude here at Alopecia World. Do you ever feel that? Are you on a path toward going without wigs? Do you think that is necessary to accept your Alopecia?
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I understand how u feel and only u can find a way to make yourself feel better. People can tell you that you are beautiful and that everything will be okay but only u can make yourself feel that way. Don't give up, buy a wig that is close to your style and hair color and look in the mirror and tell your own hair it can come or go but you are not going let it ruin u. I never felt better until I got a wig and it matched my own hair so good (other than it was long) and I don't cry as much, I am surprised at how many people I meet that don't even realize I am wearing a wig but will compliment me on how long my hair is getting. I do think that the more we stress over the hair loss the worse it gets, especially if stress is the reason it fell out to begin with. But it wouldn't hurt to have blood tests done to rule out other possible causes that may be treatable. I am new with this alopecia as well and I am not trying to make myself sound like a expert at it, none of us are, we are all here to support each other and I joined to find a miracle pill or cream to fix my problem but instead found a network of wonderful men and women who are here to support each other. I recently typed my name into google and surprisingly a woman who has the same name as me is bald, but unfortunately she has Cancer and is suffering more than I am. Count your blessings and you will find u have more to be thankful for than to cry over.
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Permalink Reply by dreamscometrue on
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I'm sorry but cry me a river why don't you. I've been living with AU for OVER 30 years. Perception is EVERYTHING!! If you perceive yourself as "ugly" you will be and the rest of the world will see you as the same. You are what you project. Granted having this disorder isn't easy, but it's not the end of the world. Our culture seems to dictate that in order to be accepted, you have to meet the beauty criteria. Bullshit!! For decades no one knows my condition unless I tell them, and truthfully it's no ones business. That's for starters. Having this condition has made me see just how vain, trivial and shallow society is. I don't have to play into that. I walk with confidence in myself because no one else will do it for me. If I walked feeling less than or "ugly" as you put it, I wouldn't be willing to live. It's just hair!! No big deal!! Hell, people with hair want weaved, wigs and braids. The bottom line is, be the best you YOU want to put forward. The world will believe you when YOU believe in yourself.
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