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How to accept being ugly
This is going to sound majorly harsh, but hear me out.
I feel like the "bald is beautiful" is a lie we tell ourselves and others just to feel better. I don't think bald is beautiful. I think some can be beautiful IN SPITE of being bald, but it will always detract from their appearance. I don't want to pamper myself and say that if I take a bubble bath and get new clothes and work on the rest of my appearance and "do things to make myself feel pretty" I'll feel attractive, because guess what, I'm not, and I won't try to fool myself into thinking I am. I'm sorry, I realize how insulting to everyone this sounds, but looks DO weigh more than personality in the world. Unfair and sucky, but it's true and we all know it. Jobs, dating, personal worth largely hinges on social perception of ourselves. I can't look a certain way and I can't fool myself into feeling a certain way and so normally I focus on other things, but I'm still never really ok. I go through life knowing that disgust is power, and so no one will mess with me because in a way, walking around with a half smooth half shaved head makes me look tough. But still, I know I am still not ok with my ugliness.
There must be a way to peace without lying to myself. Question is, how can I come to terms and accept that I am ugly? Any thoughts?
-PG
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by pippinsgirl on
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It didn't feel belittling at all. I agree. I realize just how controversial my post is...but I also respect everyone's right to feel however they feel about it and their alopecia. It's still fairly new to me and so yes, I have A LOT of anger at lack of control and feeling like my body is self-destructing and I will never know why, as well as trying to be realistic and accept that society is judgmental and many many studies show that there are some universal traits that people find attractive, one biggie is women having lush, flowing hair...unfair as hell but unfortunately that's how the world works. Hopefully our World can accept this, while also accepting ourselves so that even if we feel pain we can still get on with our lives.
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Permalink Reply by C on
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I don't think Pippinsgirl sounds harsh just a tad less sweet in her realistic opinion of her hair loss and baldness. I can relate to what she is saying without having to think I'm 'ugly'. I think my hair loss started when I was a teenager and no one really took my complaints seriously because it wasn't falling out in chunks and I always had thick hair so you really couldn't tell unless you took a good look at my scalp. I knew it because as a typical teenage girl I was always in the mirror so of course it made me more self conscious about my looks. As I got older and my hair loss progressed with periods of alopecia being dormant and my hair growing, I learned how to style my hair over my various patches. The first time I convinced myself it would be easier to at least have my hair cut short....really short, I looked in the mirror and cried almost every day for a month so going bald for me is definitely out of the question . Did I ever think I was ugly? No. With short hair... Yes! It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, I don't feel I have the face or personality for a bald head. Do I think bald is ugly? No. Do I think some bald women are attractive? Yes. Do I think women are beautiful bald? No. I think that more hair on our heads and less on the body is part of what makes us look different from the men just like our bodies. Just about every bald woman I've ever seen looked less feminine to me... Did I say ugly? No. Yet I don't see them being as attractive . Yes I do believe a person should love themselves the way they are, but in my opinion, the 'bald is beautiful' that has come along with the so called acceptance of hair loss with women nowadays is a bit over rated .
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Thank you! I suppose to some I sounded crass, but your point is EXACTLY what I am getting at. Women, including myself, may never question their femininity until this happens, and it's like a an atomic bomb (an AA-bomb, if you will) going off that scorches your self-image. Many times, like you say, it doesn't matter how others feel, you yourself see it and remember how nice you looked before, which is almost worse in some ways. Some ass makes a mean comment and you feel crappy for a day but then you can go "screw em, I don't care what that person thinks." When it comes from inside, that, in my opinion, is much more devastating.
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I get that...but not all of us are fluid. I liked how I felt before...when I actually felt like a girl. Idk what that even means but cross-dressing doesn't appeal to me, nor does going extra feminine. I just feel different from how I was, and I absolutely hate it.
On a more important note however, how did you get your hair back? Do you take something regularly, or was it a one-time, or few-time, treatment like injections?
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I think humor will help you a lot! Despite your somewhat pessimistic tone here, I think your sense of humor is still there! Laughter truly is the best medicine. I feel really terrible at times; and I don't have the best life situation, but when my sense of humor shines through I can see that I shine a light of confidence and friendship towards others---which is positively attractive!
I've had AA for about 30 years. I am widowed now; and my AA is progressively migrating towards total baldness & absence of arm, leg, eyebrow & other hair (AU). I wear nice wigs & look absolutely hot, and I really feel hot in them too! Summer is an itchy bitchy time for me; but I get through it. I love fishing, and going boating depends on how secure I can tie a bandana without cutting off brain blood supply! But I do it...I cope. I'm in a "questionable" relationship, but who knows what will happen? Everybody hurts. Everybody cries. My hair loss issue seems absolutely minor & silly to my sister, who is a stroke victim. She always tells me that I'm lucky that all I've lost is hair! She lost use of half her body.
When our bodies betray us, our spirits can revive us. BTW, looking tough might be sending the wrong message to others; but that's totally up to you. I look different for different occasions. Depending on the weather, I dress up or dress down my hairstyle, wig, bandana or scarf. I haven't ever gone out with my half-bald look because people think I'm a sickly chemo-patient. The only time I lied & told someone that I was on chemo was when I was waiting at a beauty salon for my friend, and a hairdresser commented on the highlights in my hair (which was really a wig!). I simply told her that I was wearing a wig due to a medical issue that I prefer NOT to discuss the wig OR my condition. She respectfully acknowledged, smiled, and looked the other way...
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More power to you! Speaking of humor, I love your "everybody hurts, everybody cries" because that was sung by an awesome bald dude. Idk if that was intentional but it made me smile :)
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Michael Stipe for the win!
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Permalink Reply by Tanya on
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Hi PG,
Like you, I thought there was no way that I could ever find myself beautiful as a bald person. It took me a long time, but unexpectedly, I came to see that I can look good, get dates, and have lots of self worth, having alopecia.
I surprised even myself when I changed, so I back-tracked to see what triggered it. I realized that the biggest catalyst was seeing other people doing great and feeling confident bald. I got to experience this when I founded a support group 5 years ago - even though when I started the group I hated how I looked without hair.
Based on my realization, I created a video channel in the hope that more people can see themselves (and be seen) in a positive light - similar to the journey I took, but faster ;) Here's the channel if you want to check it out:
You'll see yourself as beautiful one day, if you open your mind to let it be a possibility. I promise ;) Feel free to message me directly.
Tanya
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Permalink Reply by I miss my eyebrows most !!! on
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OMG !! I feel the EXACT same way..... I even gained 70 pounds ....No ideas how to get out of this though....
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I splurged & got myself an elliptical cross-trainer exercise machine! I don't like the idea of exposing my thin-skinned scalp (due to a past history of cortisone injections). So, now it's just me & my own work-outs. I didn't wanna fret the sweat underneath a hot wig or bandana, so I just get my aerobics in at home! And when I'm done & full of natural endorphins, I go out in a nice outfit & a beautiful wig! So, take that cruel world!
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Permalink Reply by dreamscometrue on
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This is gonna sound harsh but part of me thinks this post is about getting attention in a cruel way, from ppl who truly hurt bc of this disorder. I'm beginning to think this is a narcissistic ploy to get attention. Mainly bc any sound advice offered is rejected by the original poster, the poster seems perpetually "stuck" and doesn't really want to move forward, having a thick self deprecating attitude and self loathing, asking a question that has no real answer(glib talk)
Just keep in mind folks, trolls are everywhere and narcs go out to great lengths to seek attention from wherever they can get it. But to draw this kind of negative attention, going in a round about way to insult ppl bc they have no hair, asking an asinine hurtful question like how do I come to terms with being ugly, and the all telling narc clencher for me are these little short stabbing responses.
No more attention from me on this post. I'm over it. Figuratively and literally
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