How to accept being ugly

This is going to sound majorly harsh, but hear me out.

I feel like the "bald is beautiful" is a lie we tell ourselves and others just to feel better. I don't think bald is beautiful. I think some can be beautiful IN SPITE of being bald, but it will always detract from their appearance. I don't want to pamper myself and say that if I take a bubble bath and get new clothes and work on the rest of my appearance and "do things to make myself feel pretty" I'll feel attractive, because guess what, I'm not, and I won't try to fool myself into thinking I am. I'm sorry, I realize how insulting to everyone this sounds, but looks DO weigh more than personality in the world. Unfair and sucky, but it's true and we all know it. Jobs, dating, personal worth largely hinges on social perception of ourselves. I can't look a certain way and I can't fool myself into feeling a certain way and so normally I focus on other things, but I'm still never really ok. I go through life knowing that disgust is power, and so no one will mess with me because in a way, walking around with a half smooth half shaved head makes me look tough. But still, I know I am still not ok with my ugliness. 

There must be a way to peace without lying to myself. Question is, how can I come to terms and accept that I am ugly? Any thoughts?

-PG

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Permalink Reply by Cissie55 on June 23, 2015 at 1:01pm
Marie, everything you said it very true & I agree, but ......I'm 60 years old & have only encountered this disease 3 years ago. To a person who has always had long, thick, beautiful hair.....it's very hard! I struggle everyday! Will it get better as the years go on? I don't know??? For me, and many of us with Alopecia, it is an everyday struggle. Sorry
Permalink Reply by dreamscometrue on June 24, 2015 at 5:18am
Love love love this response!! Cheers to you girlfriend!!!
Permalink Reply by Ellyn on June 20, 2015 at 5:12pm

I feel ugly too.  I have been losing hair since I was 12 - am now 65 - and have never and will never get used to it.  My alopecia is of the scarring variety so there is no hope of it growing again.  When I get up in the mornings and look at myself in the mirror I feel nothing but disgust; but when I put on my hair piece I feel like a princess again.  I live in dread of being seeing without my hair by anyone but my husband (of 36 years) - even then I feel self-conscious without my hair.  I also feel hurt when I read of the "brave" souls who, while undergoing chemotherapy, elect to not wear a wig believing they are doing a very feminine thing - whoohoo to them.  I also underwent chemo and lost what was left of me hair and felt even less happy.   Another big hurt is when a friend of mine who has a couple of times now, shaved her head and worn "silly" wigs in sympathy for Chemotherapy patients.  I often wonder what she would think if she knew what was under my beautiful locks.  No kind words in the world will ever make me feel differently so please do not try.  I would much prefer people just accepted me as I am. And Marie - Aren't you so lucky to not feel the way we do - maybe Pippinsgirl has given me and possibly others the opening to say how we feel about ourselves.  Support is not being about lovey dovey all the time - support comes about from us being honest about our feelings and where else can we who have alopecia be honest but on a site like this.  The mere fact that I got through my teenage years, then young adult years and midlife and now on into my older years feeling disgust with myself but still maintaining friendships and a good lifestyle must be of some support to others.  Trying to hide our feelings is not good for us either - so I suggest you, Marie, stop being so picky and telling people to stop feeling sorry for themselves. That is not fair at all.  Pippinsgirl - you're great - you will learn to love yourself again - I do.

Permalink Reply by Marie on June 20, 2015 at 5:50pm

Ellyn, I understand your reaction to my post.  But my subsequent question would be if you feel disgust for yourself every morning when you look in the mirror, do you really love yourself? God made us all beautiful.  I also wear a wig, but I am not disgusted by my appearance without it.  It is what it is.  

I understand that this site is supposed to be a safe place to share feelings, and I'm sorry if  I didn't provide that for pippinsgirl.  But but what she asked us to do is help her accept being "ugly".  Wouldn't it be better to ask her to destroy that notion and help her accept that she is beautiful.  Isn't that our greater mission?   Just food for thought. 

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts, listening to them, and responding.  

Permalink Reply by Ellyn on June 20, 2015 at 6:21pm

Quite agree "it is what it is" - but that does not change ones feelings.  Pippinsgirl is right now not feeling good about herself and to be told to put her big girl pants on and be a real woman suggests to me that you don't believe she is.  Of course she is a real woman just as I am even though I now only have one breast and half a head of hair - that still doesn't stop me feeling not too good about my looks.  Maybe Pippinsgirl will feel really grand tomorrow and I sure hope she doesn't then turn around and tell me to be a real woman.  And who are you to judge whether I love myself or not?  I do actually - I have a lot more confidence than many of my acquaintances and because I do feel disgust with myself and am able to overcome that feeling so as to live a good and happy life I am able to impart confidence to others when they need it.  Whether God made us beautiful or not depends on your vision of God and your vision of beauty.  I own my feelings and I hope I help others own their feelings too.  If, as a young woman, I had been told to stop feeling sorry for myself and to be a real woman then I would probably have gone well and truly into myself and become seriously depressed.  As it is, with the help of my faith, I have survived - more than survived - and have learnt to ride the rough seas with very little human help.  It has been a struggle at times of that there is no denial but I have come out on to.  However, without the hairpieces and wigs that I have had over the years, I would not be where I am now with my feelings.

Permalink Reply by pippinsgirl on June 20, 2015 at 11:47pm

This is a place I can come for support, especially because of people like you who seem to understand. While it can be inspiring to see all these stories of people fully positive and all-embracing of themselves, to me, at the stage I am at now, those kinds of thoughts almost don't seem real and are not something i can really relate to. Being met with a knee-jerk reaction that insists we only be positive or there is something wrong with me for how I honestly feel is further alienating and hurts MY feelings. Maybe my opinion at first glance isn't popular, but I knew there would be people who actually got it and saw that I am not trying to make anyone feel bad, but am reaching out to those who feel, or have felt, the way I do now. Thanks for being awesome and understanding.

Permalink Reply by Rach1992 on June 21, 2015 at 8:20am

Many people here are having knee-jerk reactions because what you wrote felt offensive. I feel everyone here has gone through the feelings you are having and they are in a way trying to talk to their former selves through you. People frequently are beautiful without hair... sure, maybe they are less sexy, but honestly, the more you love yourself the easier it is. Therapy also would help you. Therapy is a good thing that everyone should partake in especially to ease major transitions in their lives. I'm in therapy and I love it. I go to therapy even when I'm in great places in life because there is always room for improvement. I recommend going to help ease what you are feeling and find the answer to the question of how to love yourself as an "ugly person"

Permalink Reply by Dollhead on December 27, 2015 at 11:04pm

I get what you're saying. I think you were blunt, and there's a certain level of truth to what you said. The truth CAN be ugly, and sometimes it can be relative. I've had alopecia since I was 10 years old, and I'm 53 now. I'm struggling with whether or not to let close friends (I don't have family left - I'm a widow) know. I can honestly say that no, I don't feel pretty or attractive without hair, and I never have. I've spent 43 years feeling vulnerable because I didn't want people to know or to be called a freak or be stared at. The only reason why I'm thinking about letting close friends know is because it's something I don't want to hide from them anymore. (Plus, God forbid, if I'm ever in the hospital in a coma, SOMEBODY is going to have to make sure my wig is ON, thankyouverymuch!) As for the rest of the world, it's none of their business, and I want to make the decision of who to tell, IF to tell, and WHEN to tell.  Straight up honest - I do not feel beautiful with a bald head, and never have. When I think of myself in my mind's eye, it's always with a unit on, and never without. I do feel ugly, but that's MY truth, and it sounds like it's pippinsgirl's, too.

On a completely unrelated note, were you or somebody close to you in the musical? (Had to ask!)

Permalink Reply by Denicha on July 5, 2015 at 10:33pm
Mine is scarring as well, and started when I was 15. I'm 56 now and refuse to waste any time thinking about my hair loss. This is because I'll be long dead. Besides, it's not the worst thing in the world. Worse things have happened to me, and I don't accept any labels to dwell on, like pedophile's victim or cancer patient or apolecian. I am simply me.
I AM.
Permalink Reply by Tia on June 20, 2015 at 5:22pm
I felt the same way when I first got my bald spot back in 2013... I would cry myself to sleep many nights. It was a large one on the nape of my neck. I would wear all kinds of head bands to hide it. I tried everything the dermatologist gave me. Nothing worked. As time went on though I kind of just forgot about it... Sounds weird. But I did. I stopped obsessing about it growing back. I stopped checking on it altogether. And guess what. I felt ok with it. No one even questioned or asked about it. I hadn't even known it had grown back until someone else told me. It's not the end of the world. And one day you may come to terms with it. I pray for your strength. I know it's not easy all the time. God Bless! You are NOT ugly!
Permalink Reply by Daniyel on June 20, 2015 at 5:49pm
'Pippinsgirl' thank you for your sincere statements spoken from your analysis of our environment in the current state of this world. To some degree I disagree with your assessment however, largely I am in agreement with you. Having travelled. The world I can say that in Africa bald women and men are largely excepted as normal due to hot, humid and cultural conditions on the ground. I believe that the largely evil controlled world dictates what is acceptable and unacceptable in our world keeping us all prisoners mentally, physically, and spiritually. However, we can and must break free from our prisons and overcome this evil controlled world one person at a time. My advice for you is to fear G-d, keep His commandments, and love your neighbors as you love yourself. Everything else will work itself out on its own. Love and Peace, Daniyel.

PS I have been bald since I was 3yrs old. Im 40s now and began a natural pathetic way of life. I have since grown hair all over my body a little at a time and continues to do so to this day. If I can be of help to you in any way please contact me.
Permalink Reply by AngBerryman on June 20, 2015 at 6:24pm
This is me in both bandanas and a scarf. I go out like this all the time. I'm determined to live life fully and completely and I can't let my lack of hair steal my happiness, peace, and joy!
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