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I don't want to tell my boyfriend that I have alopecia
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 months and I just cannot bring myself to tell him that I have alopecia. I really want to keep it to myself and not ever tell him, that is honestly how I feel.
On one hand I feel like I am hiding my true self from him, (but my hair doesn't define who I am)...then on the other hand, I don't want to "disappoint" him or make him feel "duped" by having fallen in love with me. I know he doesn't just love me for my looks, but I know that it has a part in it. He is always complimenting me on my gorgeous black hair...and I feel bad in a way for accepting the compliments.
The truth is that I see a future with him, but I am just absolutely petrified that if I tell him, I will lose him.
I thought about telling him right away when we first started dating, but just kept putting it off because I wanted to enjoy my time with him and not discuss my issues.
I have a very low self esteem without the wig, and I wouldn't want him to ever see me without it. Even though my hair doesn't define me, I do feel somewhat "complete" and more me when I have it. I don't mean to sound vain, but having struggled with alopecia on and off for 15 years or so, and I just can't accept that my hair might not grow back.
I would appreciate some insight or perspective on the idea of telling the person you love that you have alopecia. Is it wrong if I don't ever tell him? I do a pretty good job at hiding it (although there have been 2 occasions where he asked if I drew on my eyebrows - and just him asking me that, mortified me.) Of course, I am always a little afraid of my family or close friends "spilling the beans" to him...they accept me without my hair, so why shouldn't he? Then again, I don't even accept me without my hair.
There have been times where I felt like I wanted to come clean and tell him, but I am so afraid of losing him. He is my first love and has brought me such happiness. I have so many other issues that he has had to deal with, and I almost don't want to burden him with another. I want him to look at me and think I am perfect and beautiful (now I really do sound vain.) I am really struggling with this whole concept of revealing your alopecia to your loved one. I really don't want to do it.
Any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Sarah
On one hand I feel like I am hiding my true self from him, (but my hair doesn't define who I am)...then on the other hand, I don't want to "disappoint" him or make him feel "duped" by having fallen in love with me. I know he doesn't just love me for my looks, but I know that it has a part in it. He is always complimenting me on my gorgeous black hair...and I feel bad in a way for accepting the compliments.
The truth is that I see a future with him, but I am just absolutely petrified that if I tell him, I will lose him.
I thought about telling him right away when we first started dating, but just kept putting it off because I wanted to enjoy my time with him and not discuss my issues.
I have a very low self esteem without the wig, and I wouldn't want him to ever see me without it. Even though my hair doesn't define me, I do feel somewhat "complete" and more me when I have it. I don't mean to sound vain, but having struggled with alopecia on and off for 15 years or so, and I just can't accept that my hair might not grow back.
I would appreciate some insight or perspective on the idea of telling the person you love that you have alopecia. Is it wrong if I don't ever tell him? I do a pretty good job at hiding it (although there have been 2 occasions where he asked if I drew on my eyebrows - and just him asking me that, mortified me.) Of course, I am always a little afraid of my family or close friends "spilling the beans" to him...they accept me without my hair, so why shouldn't he? Then again, I don't even accept me without my hair.
There have been times where I felt like I wanted to come clean and tell him, but I am so afraid of losing him. He is my first love and has brought me such happiness. I have so many other issues that he has had to deal with, and I almost don't want to burden him with another. I want him to look at me and think I am perfect and beautiful (now I really do sound vain.) I am really struggling with this whole concept of revealing your alopecia to your loved one. I really don't want to do it.
Any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Sarah
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Alliegator on
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YAY!!! I'm so very happy for you. That is wonderful. I'm glad it all turned out well, and that we helped give you that little push. :)
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Permalink Reply by LilyBell*Murphy'sLawLuvsMe on
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He sounds like a 'keeper" : )
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Permalink Reply by Cindie on
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Does he have an older, single uncle?????? I could use a "keeper" in my life!! :-)
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Permalink Reply by Susan Innes on
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Hi Sarah- You mentioned making your boyfriend "feel duped" if you tell him. If that hair piece is removed and he isn't still in love with you, then you were the one being "duped." The guy was in love with your hair. We want and need people who love us for who we are, not what we look like. Take it from me, most of us don't age gracefully and those wrinkles and skin blotches appear all too soon. If this is someone you want to love forever "as in grow old with", it needs to be a person who adores the lovely being that lies within you. Too many men go through a midlife crisis, panicking as they watch their youth fade away, and the ones most notably leaving their wives will mention the lack of sex appeal in this woman who is now 50 pounds heavier, has thinning and/or some gray hair, and has spider veins showing up in her legs. My self-esteem is not the greatest either without the wig; however, my husband loved me with or without it. It's not really being kind or fair to yourself by not divulging your hairless appearance; it's hard to believe that this isn't creating a huge amount of stress when the two of you are together or he is with your family. And as to your accepting yourself without hair, trying to be perfect for this guy or another one, is not going to ease this transition. No one likes to feel that they have to remain perfect, for themselves or others. Human beings are not perfect; believe me, I have enough defects for half of the world's population but I still think there are some things that are lovable about me....lol. One cannot or should not live in fear; you need to somehow find a way to tell this man. As others have stated, if he rejects the "real beautiful" you, then it's time both of you moved on with your lives. Also,we will be here to help you see the wonderful you; we are here to support you and love you when the rest of the world may not be ready:). Susan ...OOOPS, I just saw that you told him..YAY! Congratulations!!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Sarah on
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Haha. Thanks Susan. Very well put. I completely agree with you...but still being the young person that I am, I guess I am still concentrating on my looks and how others see me. I want to look my best, especially for my boyfriend. But I agree with you that looks fade, and it's most important what is on the inside. I know that I fell in love with my boyfriend for his amazing heart, kindness, humour...and all of the other amazing qualities that he has....of course he is handsome.... :)...but if he was just a pretty face and didn't have all of those awesome qualities...then I wouldn't have fallen for him.
Today was kind of a tough day...it being the day after I told him....I kind of felt like I didn't know what to say to him today...or how to carry on as usual. He told me: nothing changes...and he couldn't be more supportive and loving...but today I almost felt embarrassed....is that a normal feeling after telling someone that you have alopecia?
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