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I'm an alien
I have a 7 year old daughter who is used to me with a wig. The other day she pushed me soooo far with some nonsense that I actually pulled my wig off my head and said, "Do you see this?!?! I am sooo stressed out right now that all my hair is GONE NOW!" She looked me straight in the eye and said, "whatever, you look like an Alien!"
By the time my jaw got back up off the floor she was sleeping and my husband reminded me (calmed me down) that I'm "human" and can't say anything stupid in retaliation. "When she gets up we'll talk to her."
So when she got up I asked her why she said what she said and she replied, "because you look weird and you won't get mad at me so I said it."
Wow, my own kid is bullying me....
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Miss Erica on
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I'm sorry, it's probably humiliating to you but I had to laugh! My dad used to carry a lot of keys for work in his pocket and it would make store alarms go off...he used to point to his head and say, " it's the plate from Vietnam!" Parents have a way of humiliating their kids lol! I try not to!
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Permalink Reply by MJ Wrick on
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There is something to be said for humor (even if it's sarcastic). Raising kids is tough (I've got four). Yeah, we make mistakes but a god one-liner sometimes stop a bad moment in it's tracks. Also, your kids are very fortunate in that they have an opportunity to learn about how to handle things you have no control over. We've all had "bad parent" days...
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Permalink Reply by linda carraway on
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You're not a bad Mom ! Your learning just like the rest of us. And beating someone is not going to change or their mind or attitude. I hope most of you agree! DO you belong to a support group in your area? Maybe shes afraid of getting sick?
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Can we also not forget - and I think this bit is probably important. Parents are weirrrdddd I mean realllyyy weird! All of them! They are embarrassing they dont understand they dont know anything and they were never young (and they never ever had sex even to make the kid in the first place - perish the thought). So in fact - all parents are alien from the planet 'whateevverrrr'.
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Permalink Reply by Jean on
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I work in a middle school--full of judgmental and mean teenagers. My son was in the 8th grade and was, quite frankly embarrassed by my hair loss. We talked at length about my condition and how my hair may or may not come back and if it does, it may not be permanent. I bought a wig and wore it until my hair started to come back. When I asked him if it would bother him for me to stop, he said yes (my hair was very thin, very short and pure white). So I wore it for a bit longer. When the weather got warmer and the wig got hotter and itchier, I decided it was time. I told him that I was going to stop wearing the wig. He accepted it. I emailed all of my co-workers and asked for their support and to explain to the kids, should anyone ask what had happened. The kids surprised me. Only one asked if alopecia was something she could "catch" from me. Most were surprised, but all said it looked "cool." I found it to be a teachable moment. They learned that when someone looks different, it could be to an illness, or other means beyond their control. You need to sit your daughter down and have a heart-to-heart talk about how her behavior hurt you. She needs to understand that she cannot do this to you, because then she will think it is okay to do it to others. And, I would let her friends see you without your wig as well. They might teach her a lesson or two about empathy.
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First, let me say I don't have kids, so my input may not be totally applicable. However, I do also wear a wig and know a thing or two about crazy moms, bullying, and the importance of embracing the humor in it all. But, you don't sound like a crazy mom. Sure, in some circumstances maybe implying that your daughter made you lose all your hair could be a bit traumatic...but, you know your child the best, and from what it sounds like she is very very smart and a tough cookie, so I'm sure she is just fine. I hope you can find the humor in this, because your daughter is quite funny and articulate. So, we look like aliens with out our wigs on, who cares? Maybe you should tell her that "mommy" won't get mad but the alien might so she should watch out! Show her baby photos to her, every single "human" start out looking a little like an alien (cute aliens, but alien none the less). Your daughter sounds like an amazing and painful combination of smart and sassy, and that is not going to go away, but will make her a very successful adult. My best advice? Sass back, and never loose focus of the humor in the absurd. Sometimes, it's the only way to cope.
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I'm a mother and kids can bring out the holy little terror in ourselves as well. Not our best moments and often say things we regret. Its a learning experience that can be apologized for and move on trying not to make the same mistake again. Kids all manipulate, that is what they are supposed to do. Kids say mean things to get what they want, by trying to make us feel guilty. Once you recognize manipulation its easy to laugh off and give them a quick time out with a little smirk that they don't see. lol. Seeing us mad when they are little is very powerful for them... in fact then they do the behaviors we least like more. As a parent the best thing I learned was to practice appearing calm even though I was raging inside. Moms screw up sometimes too. Give her a break and hope the child doesn't get alopecia either.
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Permalink Reply by Jules on
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kids get so confused and emotional when they don't understand a situation. maybe your kids just needs to understand properly what you are going through. empathy is a hard skill to acquire but you can help your kids - as hard as it is - keep going :-)
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Permalink Reply by Marie on
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Hi. Did stress cause your hair loss? If not, then you shouldn't have let her think that it did.
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Permalink Reply by ienneleigh on
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Hi Erica, I can't walk in your shoes, but my daughter is in yours and I feel your pain as much as I feel my daughter's pain for her.
When my daughter lost all of her hair at 16, with only clumps left and looked like she was going through chemo, she said she looked like Gollum in Lord of the Rings. Almost half way through her junior year in high school, she decided to shave all of it off and not cover her head any longer. She's now a freshman in college a few thousand miles from us, and yes, the sadness, the coping, and the pain are still there for her. As recent as a month ago, while waiting for her flight at the airport to go home for spring break, some idiot yelled out loud across the boarding area, "Dalai Lama!" and of course my daughter was upset and it ruined the next few days of her spring break with us.
What I'm trying to get to is this, there is no way that you can cope with all these things alone, by yourself. It was very difficult for my daughter to live through the changes. It was hard for her to live, period! And we reacted to her emotions, her pain negatively because we thought her acting out was part of the teenage rebellion. Not only until we sought professional help, went through family counseling with a psychotherapist, and learned how to deal with our pain for our daughter, to help her through her pain and her changes, that we began to heal and find love again for each other in the family.
Your daughter is still very young. Things that come out of her mouth are not meant to hurt, to demean, to insult, or to degrade you. At that age, they still don't know any better. It is only through patience, love, and continual teachings of right from wrong, that they will learn the true meaning of compassion. Don't react with anger. I know you are very hurt, and you will be hurt by her and others over and over again, but please take the higher road, especially with your daughter, teach her that what she said was wrong, and let her know that she was being very hurtful to you. AND.. walk away, when you begin to lose your cool. Those are some of the things my husband and I learned from our counseling sessions.
Some of this is easy for me to say because I'm not the one who has to walk in your shoes, and I'm not the one who has to stare at myself in the mirror. After my daughter told me (with her eyes red and teary) about the airport incident, I thought about how I would want her to react to the mean comments. I haven't told my daughter, but I would go up to the idiot and tell him this, "If it is necessary that you have to seek pleasure and happiness from being mean to another person, so be it. But I forgive you because God forgives you and God forgives all of us."
Then I would walk away.
Then go to a very private place and pray and cry if you need to.. privately.
I don't know why there is such thing as alopecia. I just know that it is a big cross that you have to bear, but please see the beauty that you are. I think my daughter is one of the most beautiful beings in the world, though she and others like you have been stripped of a lot and of everything. Please just focus on your happiness, chin up, and know that there are many people like myself who see others beyond the superficialities of life.
God Bless You! Remember GOD LOVES YOU, and ultimately, that's all that matters.
Hugs!
Best Regards.
Jenny
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Thank you so much for sharing! Your daughter is extremely brave!! As much as we hope people care some are just heartless and cruel. I wish those people would just keep their comments to themselves!
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Permalink Reply by Dena on
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I am glad to hear you two sit down and admitted you both went too far. I have a 6 year old and I know how easy it is to lose it sometimes, but it is always important to be the adult and admit you lost it. We are all human and say stupid things no matter our age. It had to be really upsetting for her to feel like she is the cause of your hair loss. You wanted to shock her and I think it worked, but I don't think it was probably the best thing to do. It is how we handle it afterwards that shows true character. It sounds like she has been raised right, because you said she even apologized. That is a big deal for a kid that age to do, so it sounds like she understood she went to far. As far as her comment you have to think of where it is coming from. Kids that age are coming into that stage where they want to fit in. They aren't interested in uniqueness, but being a part of the crowd. I don't have Alopecia Universalis, but my daughter does. Most of the time it is no big deal and I tell her how much I love that she is unique, but there are those times when I secretly wished we could just get through the store without the comments or stares. It has nothing to do with how I feel about her, but it does frustrate me that we just can't blend in sometimes. It sounds like you both just chose the words you knew that would shock the other person. You both realize it, so I would just move on and start over.
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