Is it deceptive to wait and tell someone that you're wearing a wig?

i was recently on a dating site and never disclosed alopecia. i only felt comfortable posting pictures of me wearing my wig (and don't even have any of me as an adult and wig-less). i've since quit the site (largely due to what i will describe below) but am still wondering about disclosure, etc.

as someone who has had alopecia (AU, totalis) most of her life...i feel like i'm in the remedial section of the Coping with Alopecia class by not being more upfront, particularly when it comes to dating...!

so, here are the questions i'm posing:

(1) how do you reconcile wanting to feel 'normal' but also not being deceptive?

(2) do any other wig-wearers out there also feel like a weaker alopecian / outsider amongst alopecians for wearing a wig?

thanks, everyone...i'm so grateful that this site exists...! friends and family, as supportive as they are, often can't relate.

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Permalink Reply by Christine on June 30, 2011 at 4:49pm
Hi, I'm married and have been for years, when I developed AA, but still its been difficult, my husband says he doesn't care, and he is telling the truth I'm sure, but I care, I have purchased a wig in the past, but managed to not get to the point where I was going to shave and wear it full time, I felt so uncomfortable with the whole how do you start wearing a wig, because obviously everyone would know, except strangers. I feel like it would be better to just be done with this whole thing and shave and get a freedom type wig, and get on with my life...I have nearly no eyebrows, or other body hair, but still have Areata, (Ophiasis pattern) I have been over all the scenarios in my mind a million times, I would just like to be able to wear a wig and not have everyone know, I don't know if I would tell right away, as far as dating, I'd want the person to really get to know me (even tho I know AA is a part of me) and decide if we are a match on the really important stuff, before I brought out the Alopecia card. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not ashamed of Alopecia, I'm just self conscious of not having hair. Nearly eveyone who knows me knows I have AA, including most of my coworkers.

As far as feeling like your lower on the accepting level as others, that's unfair to yourself, I know that I would never be comfortable going out in public or maybe even in front of anyone, bald. That doesn't mean I don't respect those that do, They are comfortable with their look bald, I'm not. I believe that you can accept the Alopecia, and cope as well as anyone else, and still be OK with wanting your appearance to be that of hair, and wearing a wig to me is no different than wearing make-up (I never leave the house without it) I don't look good without makeup but of course I don't feel like I'm a big phony for it, I just use it as a tool to look my best, no different than pressing a shirt, getting nails done, or brushing your teeth.

I hope that you have the best of luck with the whole dating thing, I'm sure that there is a wonderful guy out there for you, who will love you for who you are, Alopecia is just a part of that.
Permalink Reply by Ktownnana on June 30, 2011 at 6:02pm
Christine, I agree 100% with everything you wrote.
Permalink Reply by Julie Koch on June 30, 2011 at 9:58pm
Sounds like a tough one... When I started losing my hair from Chronic Tellogen Effluvium, I told my boyfriend and he dumped me that night. We had talked about marriage, he told me he loved me no matter what, blah, blah, blah...

We were together about 8 months and it hurt like HELL when he left me because of a physical appearance difference.. Everything he told me in our relationship was a lie and I haven't dated since him. It's been over a year now and I still don't want to be touched. I still have maybe half my hair but if you never saw my hair before you probably wouldn't know I had hair loss. I feel that I never want to go through that pain again so I am very upfront with people and tell them straight out what is going on. I also have seb derm that has taken some hair and leaves my scalp gross. I just tell people because I would rather have them leave me right away then become invested in them and then have them leave me. I guess I would rather "sort" the bad from the good immediately.

I wish you luck and you are SO beautiful. Hair or NO hair... Hang in there sweetie!
Permalink Reply by Ktownnana on July 1, 2011 at 11:53am
Julie, I hope that someday you can find someone who will truly love you for who you are and personally, I know as hard as it is to accept, the guy was a jerk who let you go especially since you had been together 8 months. There are nice guys out there who would be willing to accept you as you are and I sure hope that you find him.
Permalink Reply by Lola on June 30, 2011 at 10:03pm
I think the one thing that i have learnt is to accept your choices and not feel guilty about things. I really love having a head of hair and i don't feel ashamed for it. There are only a few of my friends i have told it's a wig and i think other people don't really need to know. People don't go around waving cards letting everyone know about their health issues and i don't think you need to either. The most important thing is that you are happy!
Permalink Reply by sean franklin on July 1, 2011 at 8:52pm
I don't consider it deceptive. Nor should anyone else. It is just the style you choose to go out into the public. A wig is no more deceptive than clothing. Take for instance what people wear, a man buying a shirt that's really small to make him appear more muscular( which I have been guilty of doing before ) or when some women buy super tight jeans to seem thinner. Remember you are not a weak person we are just in a world full of quite a few ignorant people.
Permalink Reply by Ktownnana on July 1, 2011 at 10:53pm
Sean, it would be wonderful if everyone had your attitude. What a beautiful way to look at wearing a wig. You are totally correct in saying that it is no more deceptive than clothing. I'd really never looked at it in that perspective. Thanks so much!
Permalink Reply by koalagirl72 on July 17, 2011 at 11:07pm
Sean, I agree that you do have a wonderful attitude. Thanks for sharing. :)
Permalink Reply by Mandabear on July 26, 2011 at 10:55pm
I have had similar experience.
I come onto this site and see photos of everyone wig-less, and seeming so confident! I admire their acceptance. Although most days I feel as though I "accept" my condition, as in I don't stress any longer, don't seek treatment (Have had it for 12 years), I certainly do not disclose to strangers.
I am married, my past 3 boyfriends I have eventually disclosed my condition to, as when you spend a lot of time with someone they eventually notice something is different about you... I have learned to accept that most people probably assume that something is "different" about you. I just try to be the best person I can and for the most part people treat me well. I am a nurse so the people I interact with daily are usually not trying to make me feel bad about my hair situation. ANYWAYS...
I told my husband shortly after we started hanging out, after a comment he made that "Hair is the most important thing to him on a woman". I said, "Well, unfortunately, I have an autoimmune disease that has caused my hair to fall out completely. I guess I'm not really your type!" ..... I'll admit I was pretty pissed off at how shallow a comment he made. Needless to say he was like... wow really? We have been together for 3 years and he is amazing and supportive in every way. He encourages me to not wear a wig at home but I am still not comfortable. I don't know if I will ever be, I like to feel feminine. On the other hand, he also encourages me to seek treatments even though I have told him there is no cure. I can't tell if it is for his sake or mine.... although he says he never even thinks about it, and never brings up my hair loss (unless I am reading recent research or bring it up myself), nor does he use my physical shortcoming against me if he is ever mad at me.
Disclosing to someone is always very awkward.
I don't feel that not disclosing is being "deceptive". I mean. If someone said, "are you wearing a wig" and you said "no this is my real hair isn't it fabulous?!", that might be considered deceptive. But should you choose not to disclose personal information until you are sure you want to keep that person around you is absolutely your prerogative.
I guess the point I am trying to make is, if you feel a real connection with someone and they think you are attractive to boot, I don't think your hair will matter.


Sorry if that was rambling. I just wanted to share a story with you! Best of luck in everything!
Permalink Reply by Ktownnana on July 27, 2011 at 11:37am
Mandy, I chose to tell my boyfriend several months into our relationship that I wore a wig and he was totally fine with it. I'm beginning to question myself now that if anything ever happened to our relationship I probably would tell my date that I wore a wig maybe before we even went out. Some men are just not comfortable with this and never would be and that would save a lot of time and heartache if I would just say it from the beginning. My late husband never had a problem with me not having hair, but we were married for 42 years before he passed away. In fact, he told me that buying a wig was the best thing I had ever done. We were married for 30+ years before I started losing my hair. I am like you in that I wear a wig even at home because I too like to feel feminine and at this point, I don't feel that way without a wig. In fact, I'm not sure that I would ever be comfortable not wearing one. I so admire the beautiful women on AW who can feel totally comfortable without wearing a wig and I applaud them.
Permalink Reply by NYCGirlie on August 18, 2011 at 11:43pm
Im completely new to this. Just diagnosed with AA after 3 years of shedding has left me with 1/2 the hair I had. Dating and disclosure ae a huge concern for me now. I just bought a wig (well its a work in progress since Im not totally happy with it) but now I have to figure out how and when to tell some1. Im still at the stage where no1 knows at all so I fear telling a guy and then it doesnt work out yet i trusted him with this secret. And what do you say...."by the way, dont ever touch my hair because it might com off". The truth is too much info for any guy (T.N.I!)...I took a highly androgenic birth control pill for heavy periods and ended up triggering hairloss that hasnt stopeed and Im not sure what will happen from here. I have never cried so much in my entire life
Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on August 19, 2011 at 8:41am
Yeah...I had complete regrowth for 15 years, then took a BC pill for only a few weeks, and hair fell out again. I went to AT, then AU, and now will probably be AT this rest of my life.

First I lost a husband who wanted a woman with long hair. Then, I dated an old beau who was also going bald and had another medical issue, so we were even plus already liked each other's personalities (and had the past in common). He still needed the validation of more than one woman, however.

Now? I have attempted meeting and telling upfront with someone NOT from my past. This seems to be okay after all. Lessons learned: past does not ensure future, until death do us part vows do not ensure anything, and haired men must be avoided at all costs!

Find a bald guy in an alopecia support group and make a friend. I'll bet you will bond over this common issue, and open up both of your worlds to pals who accept hair loss!

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