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Loving other people when you don’t love yourself
My name is Erica and I have had alopecia ever since I was a baby. I haven’t had hair anywhere basically my whole life and I am ok with it. I thought I was doing really good but now I am in a serious relationship for over a year now and I am struggling to love myself. He makes me feel like I am beautiful the way I am but I can tell me being insecure gets in the way of A LOT of things. Things that were not a problem when I was by myself. I could pick and choose when I wanted to see people or going out. Now I feel like a burden and that I’m just an insecure jealous girlfriend because I never feel good enough. To do anything. I’ve always had depression and anxiety and I can deal with that. But loving myself is the biggest thing I have ever had to overcome. I’ve also had a lot of issues with growing up with alopecia that made me hate everything and everyone in my life because I thought this was not fair. Where can I find love in all this hate?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Gup on
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To me so you dont have .who cares .every body that got it are very beautiful. To me any body that dont have hair are very beautiful an cute . I my self I love it when I shave my head bald .its really easy to take of . BALD IS VERY BEAUTIFUL. in fact I would love to date a lady with a bald head or if she would shave it bald I do the same . I fact I do this heavy year I shave my head at children's hospital in mn . Been doing this for six years . I like to date a lady that is.or want to bald an I would probably marry her . Then my head be shaved every day . Take care I do people with a bald head . I am going add this but this my feelings I think it really looks sexy with a bald head . I dont want hurt any feeling . HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH AN BE PROUD
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Permalink Reply by Sue Ellen on
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I’m sorry you have these feelings Erica, but I fully understand. I have been married 36 years. 5 years ago All my hair fell out - alopecia universalis. A couple years later my eyebrows and eyelashes came back but they are light and I powder them or mascara. I wear a wig out of the house and, although my husband says he doesn’t care, I wear a t-shirt head wrap around him unless Im sleeping. I’ve thought of eyebrow tatoo but my skin is so sensitive that I’m afraid of making a real mess. I feel that eyebrows give us our expression. Soooo, I’m 67 years old, married for 36 (second marriage) and still have the feelings of inadequcey that you have. You have to trust him honey. To a good man/a good person, it really doesn’t matter. I sincerely wish the best for you. Choose to be happy.
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Permalink Reply by Pat Latina on
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Sue, you and I have the same life, I've been married 37 years and lost my hair about 7 yrs ago. I also have Alopecia Universalis. One of the perks is that my friends spend money on brazillian peels and I instead can use that money to go out for dinner or get a new blouse or shoes. :) I got my eyebrows tatooed twice and one time I microblade them in, very painful but they are all faded now, so I'm back to pencils. I'm 58 and wear a wig all the time - especially to work. But one thing I tell anyone that wants to hear that I wear them because I have Alopecia. That gives me a sense of freedom.
Erica, please do not beat yourself up, we all have insecurities, I know the most beautiful women (in my circle) that are insecure about their looks. I think its just us being WOMEN. But I hope you overcome some enough to let someone in - let your self off - tell someone how you feel and let him tell you how he feels about you and maybe I pray that you're able to believe in him and yourself enough to step out. Thank you for sharing - Alopecia World Rocks!!!
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Hi Erica,
I’ve had alopecia my whole life too, and have struggled with many of the things you describe. I, too, have felt it put me at a disadvantage in certain situations - particularly when dating - and I’ve felt frustrated with the unfairness of it. I won’t serve you platitudes that we both know aren’t entirely true, but I can offer you some pragmatic advice.
1. If someone looks down on you because of your hair loss, it’s ok to admit it sucks. That it’s unfair. To grieve the relationship you might have had with that person if things had been different, even when everyone is telling you you’re better off because obviously he or she is a jerk. But don’t take it personally. You didn’t earn your hair loss. It happened to you. And it could just as easily have happened to the person who looks down on you.
2. Hair is not something you can offer in a relationship, so if that’s what a person wants, you are not their girl. But there are lots of things a person can offer in a relationship. I would encourage you to figure out what you have to offer and cultivate it. Be awesome at the things you have to offer. When you know what you bring to the table, and you find someone who values those things (you may already have...), then you can relax and feel confident, instead of threatened by those who have what you don’t.
<3, Stacey
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Permalink Reply by Renee on
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Hi Erica. I thought this was interesting especially because I have been ruminating on my past relationships and life maybe because it's Christmas time. I'm age 43 and lost all my hair at age 12. I don't even really know what to say. I guess your post just made me think about it and wonder about it myself and how it applies to my own life and past. And to let you know that your not alone and I can relate to what you said. Happy Holidays!
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I completely understand how you feel Erica. And no one telling you your good enough or that if he's a good man, he'll love you for who you are makes any difference. I'm a man. I'm in my 40s. Since my hair has fallen out, I'm insucure around my wife of 20 YEARS! When we rub legs, I'm insecure about how smooth mine feel. When she rubs her hand on my head, I am OUT of the mood and thinking about how weird I am.
My HONEST advice... All you can do is stumble through it. Hopefully you two have way more good memories each day... That he sees you as a confident loving girlfriend more often than he sees you as a jealous wreck. Be open with him about the crap your going thru and how it messes with your self confidence makes you less than you should be for him.
I hope your lucky as I have been with my spouse. I think and hope that no matter how depressed I get or how I act out, she'll stick by me. I sure try hard to make sure she knows how much I appreciate her. It's all I can do!
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Hello Erica,
Heres my 2 cents, for what it’s worth....
With hair or without hair you would have these feelings. It’s just since you have Alopecia you ascribe them to that. Understand that even if you had hair you would feel this way but just ascribe them to something else like your bad skin or big nose (I’m not saying you have either of these things! - just making a point).
The feelings you describe are not unique to you but are also are experienced by many people with and without Alopecia . For me I find focusing on people or things that are “outside “ of my self is really useful, as if tthe world around me and those around us are in good places then that gives me a greater sense of value, which I guess is equivalent to loving myself.
Good luck - life is a struggle, but there is much joy to be found along the way!
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I want to show people how wonderful life is, how wonderful are people themselves, who don’t even know about it. Only last year, I learned to love myself, I found a favorite hobby and sport, and specifically golf. By the way, on this website I buy everything I need for golf. After I fell in love with myself, I began to love and praise. And now I want to share happiness and kindness with everyone. My life motto is - kill them with your kindness.
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Permalink Reply by TurboK on
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I know this thread seemed to go silent over a month ago, but I wanted to say that I too have issues with self love. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Granted, I had that issue long before I had to deal with the AU I developed 14 years ago. I had had bouts with AU off and on, but when I lost every bit of hair on my body over a matter of three weeks, it was extremely traumatizing.
I still have not been able to look at myself in a mirror without something on my head. The idea of it gives me a gag reflex. I have never gone without something, usually ball caps, on my head ever since it hit. I even tried that idiotic Hair Club, but I am allergic to the double faces carpet tape they use to attach the wigs and the cap of the wig left deep scrathes in my skin. I also have to have something on my head, otherwise it feels like it is ready to explode.
I guess the only plus is that I am A-Sexual, so I have no desire for a relationship of any kind. However, I wonder if I did have a desire, would I find someone that would accept me. Then, I think that since I cannot deal with it, I figure no one else can either.
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Permalink Reply by Carlos Alberto Sobrinho on
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You are beautiful and you can find all the intensity of love in exchange for that hatred you claim to have built. It is a single currency, of a single intensity of feelings with two faces. Learn to experience the other side of the coin and to spend as little time as possible in the face of hatred, because we can not get out of hatred either. The important thing is: do not get parked in the feeling of hatred and enjoy life with the love and love that we conquer.
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Eh, this is a very difficult topic for me. Since childhood, I have suffered from bullying at school because of my appearance. When he grew up, complexes began to appear. Now I almost got rid of them, dating sites helped me a lot, as well as this blog https://hookupmasters.com/adult-dating-sites/xpress-review/ I met a lot of people, and they saw in me something that I had not noticed before in myself. Now I have a person who loves me and I am happy. Good luck to you too!
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