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Must your love interest 'see' your alopecia?
My alopecic and adorable wife doesn't wear wigs or any other head covering. Nevertheless, sometimes I wonder how I might have reacted if she hadn't allowed me to actually see her alopecia until months after I started dating her. What if she had concealed her alopecia only to reveal it to me after we fell in love -- or simply after I became accustomed to seeing her with a wig on?
Would it have made a difference? I really don't think so, but this I know for sure: It's one thing to know that someone has alopecia and quite another to know what they actually look like with the condition.
Given the importance of looks in the context of most amorous relationships, how important might it be for an alopecian to show their condition to someone with whom their developing a serious relationship? How risky might it be for an alopecian to simply tell a love interest about their condition and only unveil it after the relationship is quite serious? Indeed, is this a general problem area for single, or even married, alopecians that you know?
Some time ago, someone rightly pointed out that it's not appropriate to reveal such personal matters to just anyone. Therefore, I need to emphasize that this is NOT the issue I'm raising with this discussion.
Rather, I'm here interested in knowing your thoughts on the following issue alone: Does there come a time in a developing (or existing) relationship when it will no longer suffice for a love interest to merely know that their partner has alopecia but not know what the person actually looks like with the condition? Is it possible for an alopecian to keep this "secret" too long in such a relationship?
Would it have made a difference? I really don't think so, but this I know for sure: It's one thing to know that someone has alopecia and quite another to know what they actually look like with the condition.
Given the importance of looks in the context of most amorous relationships, how important might it be for an alopecian to show their condition to someone with whom their developing a serious relationship? How risky might it be for an alopecian to simply tell a love interest about their condition and only unveil it after the relationship is quite serious? Indeed, is this a general problem area for single, or even married, alopecians that you know?
Some time ago, someone rightly pointed out that it's not appropriate to reveal such personal matters to just anyone. Therefore, I need to emphasize that this is NOT the issue I'm raising with this discussion.
Rather, I'm here interested in knowing your thoughts on the following issue alone: Does there come a time in a developing (or existing) relationship when it will no longer suffice for a love interest to merely know that their partner has alopecia but not know what the person actually looks like with the condition? Is it possible for an alopecian to keep this "secret" too long in such a relationship?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on
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Stacey, I think my wife had pretty much the same attitude when I first met her in 2007. Even the title of her MySpace page then had the phrase "au naturele" in it. As a result, all that was left for me to do was educate myself and decide whether I wanted to deal with whatever social ramifications would follow from dating, not just a bald woman, but a woman who openly sported an "alopecian style." It goes without saying that I still appreciate her courage and openness, which complemented my own and helped set the stage for us to move a bit more swiftly and smoothly to our real focus -- loving on one another. ;-)
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl, Co-founder on
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Rj seeing, touching and living with my alopecic or bald head is what makes our relationship “normal”. We just attended a family reunion on his side, in which probably 90% of the people from out of town I did not know. Who knows what people where thinking of saying; it did not stop my husband from proudly introducing me as his wife, no explanation needed. It was not a source of anxiety for neither him nor I. No talks about what we would say if people asked, or how would we handle my “situation”. Life is normal.
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What beautiful words, Cindy! You reminded me of something I've been saying for many years: You must be who you are before others can love you for who you are. Keep sharing, Cindy. I can only imagine that many alopecians would be encouraged and emboldened by your perspective on this matter. :-)
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Permalink Reply by Ted Michael Morgan on
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I cannot say. I do not have alopecia. I respect either choice.
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Permalink Reply by kastababy on
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Does there come a time in a developing (or existing) relationship when it will no longer suffice for a love interest to merely know that their partner has alopecia but not what the person actually looks like with the condition? Is it possible for an alopecian to keep this "secret" too long in such a relationship?
The answer to both of these questions, in my opinion, is a resounding YES!!! At some point, you have to be willing to take a risk and bare all. It is one of the most difficult things anyone can do under normal circumstances and ideal conditions to lay yourself bare (figuratively and literally) before the object of one's desire. It is even more so when dealing with a condition as intensely personal as alopecia. There is the potential for rejection on both sides, feelings of betrayal for keeping the secret as well as betrayal for not accepting the condition -- I could go on and on.
I find it interesting that so many men manage to find the other alopecians in our community and elsewhere. Either none of them live in Middle Tennessee or something, because I have yet to date someone bare as I am -- and my most horrific relationships came and went when I either had my own hair or was wearing a wig or scarf. I would be interested to hear the opinions of other men who have alopecian wives and girlfriends, because far too many of us are hell-bound and determined to keep our heads covered, no matter what it costs us. Is the feeling of shame associated with having no hair that deep; the need to fit in with the rest of hirsute society so great that we feel that we have to cover up, no matter what the risk or sacrifice?
If you cover up and you're in a relationship where your partner knows about the alopecia but hasn't seen it, it seems only fair that you bare all at some point, preferably sooner rather than later. If you have any trepidation about it, consider it from this standpoint: If the situation were reversed, or if your partner were hiding some big secret (like a past history of mental illness, unknown baby mama drama, or something equally major), wouldn't you be heated, furious, betrayed, and hurt by that person for not baring all as soon as they knew the relationship was getting serious??
In the end, I think the risk for an adverse or negative reaction grows exponentially by waiting to tell later rather than sooner, so why chance it?
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YoKasta, in raising the issue of fairness you're really coming to the heart of the matter. Everyone brings something to the (prospective) relationship that's more or less palatable. The sooner such matters are dealt with, the better, even if it means an early demise of the relationship. Besides, "there is no misery more profound, no depth of despair greater, than that into which lovers are plunged when they are bereft, disappointed, unrequited," especially as a consequence of being misled regarding a matter as deeply personal as alopecia.
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I believe if you want to foster true intimacy you have to be willing to not only tell but show your alopecia. Being vulnerable IS a part of intimacy. I believe it is important to be able to show your true self to your partner.
If there is one place that I want to feel myself, it is in my home. I would want to feel that I could take it off when I got hot, tired, sick or just plain wanted to be comfortable at the end of the day. If this is the home setting that I want when I am married, I am going to have to make sure it is the case when we are dating. I also think that the longer I tried not to show that side of me the harder it would be to do so.
I also believe that a person could wait too long. For instance, if my mate wanted to see and I kept putting him off, I think eventually he would feel;
a) That alopecia is going to be an ongoing obstacle in this relationship and something that I may never get past, and could he deal with the fact that I can’t just put this behind me and live our lives.
b) I may not be capable of reaching a level of intimacy that he requires.
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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Would you consider waiting until one meets another in person before revealing as "withholding," if one considers part of the intimate experience to be seeing the reaction (voice, eyes, smile or frown) up close and personal? Photos mailed are cold to me.
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Tallgirl,
Cheryl and I met online, lived nine hours apart, and had our first face-to-face meeting in Detroit after several months of phone conversation, chatting, and corresponding via email. From day one, I asked no more of her than I was all too willing to give -- that she not only send me what she thought were her best photos, but some of her worst ones, too. I know, I know, I KNOW that this is not standard practice. However, I assure you that deviating from the norm in this respect helped to ensure that neither of us fell for a mere figment of our imagination!
On the other hand, the very opposite happened a few times before I met Cheryl. For example, one lady looked so different in person that I thought she stood me up on our first date! In fact, I couldn't find her until I called her mobile phone and she described what she was wearing! Another woman, with whom I talked and corresponded for nearly four years, also looked quite different from her Olan Mills portraits, but that didn't bother me as much as what I saw when she removed her wig without warning one day! She wasn't bald, but beneath her wig was a mesh of hair that looked like tangled barbed wire!
Honestly, I don't think it was fair to me or wise of these women to "withhold" such information about their physical appearances. Neither do I think it did anything for our "intimate experiences" for them to wait so long to unveil these things. Indeed, whenever I had such encounters, I was only reminded of the fact that any relationship founded on such intentional or unintentional deception can only languish in jeopardy.
As I mentioned in an earlier reply to this thread, you must be who you are before others can love you for who you are. For me, this clearly means getting past what I call the bullshit phase of a nascent relationship as quickly as possible. It doesn't guarantee success, of course, but it definitely places true love in a much better position to succeed.
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Funny that you should use that expression "figment of our imagination," because I have used it myself recently when in disbelief that something NICE could possibly be happening for me...
Anyway, now that the world is more technological, we seem to have tossed out the face-to-face part in lieu of only the senses of sound and two-dimensional, flat images. Those of us with cash may include video...but touch? Smell? Temperature? Pressure or softness? Text or computer relationships leave out a lot. Even artists who draw are told to draw from a real, 3-D model or still life to experience it correctly! Surely humans are more valuable than still life photos, and real-time meetings are better than old photos!
Problem: some of us are way beyond the age when there are at least a guaranteed 50 single people our own age at any given party or bar. Now, music isn't the only unifying topic...we now have our religions, politics, income attitudes, and battle scars to muck up connecting. Some even have vices, habits, legal troubles and debts...horrible! Alopecia isn't the only hidden aspect...but I digress...
True love. Huh. What is that? I have forgotten...but it sounds loverly.
Bullshit phase? One man's bullshit is another man's (or woman's) safe haven...How long did all the Greatest Romances in History take to develop? Sometimes years, right? Letters, miles, getting a father's permission, waiting to start a business or buy a home, waiting until after a war...Maybe an alopecian needs that time before revelation to test MANY aspects of the relationship! I do think many people also hope that the flattering "first sight (false, retouched, younger photo)" will provide the draw to at least get a chance...an opportunity...for the insides of an average package to be revealed once talking and touching begin. Love then works its magic to make the package look endearing, desired...no matter what. The first photos are then forgotten. We can laugh about it.
I COUNT on talking to make up for what I think is a look that can't override the better packages of younger, shorter, slimmer gals with hair out there. So, I put a flower on my AW page until I think I am ready to to show my photo to someone...and, I talk up a storm. (I have references if you don't believe me...but you SEE how much I type!) Yada, yada, yada...but important yadas. For me, depth comes from saying much more than,"Hi," or "Liked your photo." Depth in relationship also preceeds a bald revelation for me. In real life, I also join groups or classes where I can TALK over several sessions, so my ideas and heart can be known. I also LOOK for "heart" in others!
Now, if anyone wants to PUSH me before I am ready to do ANYTHING...grrrrrr! Or, goodbye! I am rather old-fashioned, I am afraid...and I have been burned. Therefore, I take my time.
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Permalink Reply by Maureen on
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I have only had to do "The Big Reveal" twice. I am divorced for almost three years after a 20-year marriage. AA entered my life after the birth of my first child in 1990, so my ex-husband was there when it all went down.
Since my divorce I have had two committed relationships. To the first, I revealed after two months. To the second (and current <3) it took me FOUR months! It was extremely nerve-wracking for me to "hide" my condition for such a long time; but in both cases my boyfriends were completely and unconditionally supportive and understanding. Neither of them were familiar with alopecia though. I showed them the Wikipedia article and this website to better help them fully understand.
You might wonder how I could have hidden my condition for so long? Well, I am very lucky as I still have my eyebrows, eyelashes, and wear Freedom Hair wigs. No one ever suspects I am bald unless I tell them. In a way I think that's what has made it so difficult for me to come out and tell someone. With many Alopecians you know right away because of the lack of eyebrows, eyelashes, etc. Maybe it allowsthem the opening that is needed to come right out and tell early in a relationship.
Both of my partners did admit that they could understand why I waited for so long to tell. For me it was a really difficult thing to do; very emotionally exhausting to hide it and to reveal it. Neither of them were upset or felt like I had been deceiving. They just understood that I had to do it on my own agenda.
I will say that my current partner is much more enamoured of my bald head than the first one was! He rubs my head for me in bed while we're watching tv and always tells me how beautiful I am :)
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