My Husband's Reaction to My Possible "Coming Out"

Hi All,

I just came home from my 2nd Bald Girls Do Lunch luncheon in Miami. On the way home I was PSYCHED about posting my experience at the luncheon on my Facebook page. Although many family and friends know about my Alopecia, as do some of my co-workers, I thought it a good way to open the doors of discusssion and in essence "Come Out". It occured to me that this might impact my husband and children, as theY also have Facebook. So I asked my husband how he would feel about it. Let me preface by saying I've been married for almost 22 years to a wonderful man who has always been very supportive. Most of those 22 years I've had some form of AA. Well, he MOST DEFINITELY is uncomfortable. Although he could not tell me how he feels about it or how it would negatively impact him. He questioned my motives, others reactions and whether it is a good idea. Although I understand why he may feel uncomfortable, it left me feeling sad. I felt so happy and liberated leaving the luncheon, now not so much. Please give me any insights/advise.

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Permalink Reply by Galena on March 7, 2010 at 9:13pm
Hello Edie,
I suspect he doesn't want others to know you are bald. Or he may feel protective of how others may see you. Either way, my only advice is to wait and be patient until he comes around. The quickest way that I accomplished this was by being bald more at home and on small trips out in the neighborhood. Having other supportive people around you affirming your unique beauty will also give him new eyes for you. The key word is patience. As you well know, the critical challenge of marriage is situations like this when you have to compromise against your better judgment. Take care and NEVER lose heart.
~Galena
Permalink Reply by Mary on March 7, 2010 at 11:05pm
I'm so sorry to hear that your husband had this reaction. I've been married for just about the same length of time as you have - but only had AA for the last 9 years, and only lost all my hair 2 years ago. I feel very fortunate that my husband encouraged me to go out in public bald from the first day I shaved off the last of my hair (he actually helped me shave it off).

Show your husband some of the photos on AW of couples together - like rj and Cheryl, and me and my husband (I've got a bunch on my page), and other women on AW. Show him the way other men have reacted positively and supportively to our baldness in public. Maybe it will help him realize that he doesn't have to feel ashamed, and should, on the contrary, be really PROUD of you!

My brother - my only sibling - also questioned my motives. He thought I was on some sort of Feminist kick or following some political agenda by wanting to be BALD in public. I FINALLY got through to him by describing the heat of a wig to him, and by asking him how he would feel if he had to wear a wool hat indoors or outside when it's warm. He could relate to that - he GOT that I have a right to be as comfortable with my bald head as a man does in public.

Please try to carry that feeling of happiness and liberation forward with you. Don't lose it! You're entitled to it.

Have you two ever gone to a counselor? Maybe a professional could help him express his feelings and help you express yours to him. Counseling is a GOOD thing...it doesn't mean a marriage is in trouble. It means two people want to learn to communicate better and keep the love strong. End of rant. ( -;) Good luck, Mary
Permalink Reply by Mary on March 7, 2010 at 11:54pm
p.s. I used Facebook to "come out" to many far flung friends...people I've known for years who I haven't been in contact with lately. Some of them are in the folk dance and music community, and I'm going to be seeing many of them this summer at a music and dance camp for the first time since losing my hair. I put up pics of myself bald and drumming, knowing that they'd eventually be seen and shared. It felt like a good way to let people know, and I think there will be less "shock" when I see them this summer.
Permalink Reply by Leslie Riches on March 8, 2010 at 10:48am
Sometimes our loved ones react negatively because they are afraid for us. They have been part of the "secret keeping" for so long. Our pain has been their pain and the only way they have been able to help is to respect our desire to keep it quiet. If he hasn't been to the lunches, your journey toward self-acceptance started without him, as it were. I know some of my friends and relatives reacted with anxiety to my coming out from under a wig. What if I changed my mind later? What if I got a bad time from other people? What if they were not around to protect me? I would suggest showing him this site. Introduce him to some of the people you have met at the BGDL gatherings. It has been a process for you and it will be a process for him.
Permalink Reply by jennifer on March 8, 2010 at 10:31pm
are you sure he is not just concerned about you and how coming out might affect you? maybe he fears you might regret "coming out" after you do? or maybe he is concerned for your children?
Permalink Reply by BaldGirlsDoLunch.org on March 9, 2010 at 11:01pm
So many valuable insights and perspectives posted by all the women above especially in regard to people close to us being "worried" on our behalf. So I will add this thought.

For many people, regardless of the specifics of the situation, change is unwelcome, hard to do and even harder to handle especially when someone else starts changing things around them. Some people feel a tinge of loss of control when even small things (forget about the big ones!) about the people or things in their environment change. Some folks thrive on consistency and predictability while shrinking from spontaneity.

There's no right nor wrong. It's personality and preference. But I mention it in case you're more spontaneous and flexible by nature and husband craves far less change. It could just be that in his world view he couldn't imagine at the moment you mentioned Facebook why anyone would possibly want to do something so different from "their norm" and "his norm". I would imagine, too, that even if he didn't see it this way the other night, that with an open airing of the collateral issues that he would enjoy revisiting it from your view and his view.

Thea
Join our list at baldgirlsdolunch.org
Next BGDL: Boston/Providence 3/20/10
Permalink Reply by Lori Black on April 26, 2010 at 12:28pm
Edie, I agree with all the posts that suggest "you be you" in whatever way you are comfortable. I also agree with the posters that suggest your husband's concern for you, may have "sounded better in his head" than it did when you heard it. My own father felt helpless to help me in the midst of my hair loss (26 yrs ago) and went out of his way to be protective of me. His heart, I understand was his motovation, but his methods and words left me feeling hurt and unaccepted. He didn't want me hurt. My late husband never encouraged me to "come out" but kept my secret for me too. Even glued extensions on for me at the onset of more hairloss. With my new husband, I totally had overcome the "don't tell anyone"thing, and I told him about it at the beginning of our friendship, just to see if he could accept the real me or not. As you well know, accepting oneself took the bigger amount of courage after a lifetime of the AA anyways. He told that he felt that I had trusted him with something pretty big in my life and said that "you are what you are and what you have or don't have is not important". He had a long ago acquaintance come up to him after we married and began chatting and she asked him about my family and he told her we had just married. She confused me with my sister and asked him if I was the "one that wore a wig" he just took it in stride and said "yes, she does, that is my wife, Lori". I am certain that he has no qualms about me being hairless, but I know that in the same situation as you, he would be concerned with "not able to take it back, and accept the response you get" question too. I wear a wig in public and a turban at home. I have 5 sons and they all know of my baldness and have seen me, but I prefer to wear my hat in front of them and hair in front of company. My husband has mentioned that I seem in better spirits and more open without the hair, though. I have an alopecia world badge on my own FB page, but I feel no need to "out" myself with photos. Those that love me know about it and those that don't won't offend me if they find out, I do not choose to show the pics, but they can follow my link to here and see them if they like. I applaud your desire to come out and be free, I know that is all you really want, to be real and accepted for that, right? We all know how important that is... God bless you on your journey as He does us all or we would have much more diffifculty in the acceptance.
Blessings!!
Lori
Permalink Reply by Clayton on April 28, 2010 at 1:59pm
Truth be told, I happen to think that any one of your reasonably close friends have a very good idea that you're bald or at least that you have issues with your hair.

There's simply no way to really hide it for too long. I expect they're being judicious about it and not confronting you directly, but surely, they have an inking that's some thing's wrong. Getting it out "in the open" might be just what the both of you (and your friends) need in order to become even closer.

In the end, it's your decision and I hope your husband thinks things over and backs your play.
Permalink Reply by T.J.R. on January 18, 2011 at 6:40pm
Hello princess! Well you are very pretty and I imagine that your husband is just being protective of you. Clearly he's not going anywhere. Sometimes the people who love us the most don't really get how it feels on the inside. Sometimes they just don't want to see us hurting anymore than we do already. Enjoy the support of your lunches but keep in mind FAMILY FIRST! I don't think his reaction was meant to be nonsupportive but protective. Strength comes from lots of sources and your husband just has a different approach. Stay strong, peace and love.
Permalink Reply by BTB (John) on May 17, 2011 at 6:55am
Hi I know this is an old post but my wife has just used Facebook to "come out" and I had no problem with her doing it no matter what her motives it is her disease and her right to be as open as she feels comfortable with I love her deeply and have always arts attempted to support her no matter what she decided was right for her. I did not always get my support right and many times what I thought was being supportive was doing the exact opposite and it took a lot of communication IE listening on my part to truly understand her feelings and emotions. We have been married 42 years and when it all boils down to it Pat is the one with alopecia not me and it is her decisions that count, it is terrible thing to lose your hair and people who minimize the loss of it don't understand. It a tough call for anyone but to make but is is your call John
Permalink Reply by Cindie on July 25, 2011 at 3:17pm
It sounds like your husband wants you to present a "normal" front to the world, and alopecia is not "normal" in the grand scheme of things....

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