Alopecia World
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Online dating - Just a reminder and just my opinion
In this day and age it is never a bad idea to be ‘too careful’. This site is a support site for those of us who are experiencing hair loss or who are close to someone that is experiencing hair loss. This is not a ‘dating site’ but yes some on here do meet others that they desire to get to know better.
I know of one couple that met through this site that appears to be a ‘success story’. But , bear in mind that when someone’s self-esteem is suffering, whether it be from hair loss, or growing older, or weight issues, issues of abandonment, etc. some men are drawn to those women, and not all of those men are kindly men who desire to understand and perhaps help such women.
Some men like, no make that NEED, a woman to have self-esteem issues as a way to control that woman, to keep her off balance, to implement their will over her. That man probably deep down has his own self esteem issues and uses yours to make himself feel better. That man can be a dangerous person to those of us who have low self-esteem, making a bad issue a gut wrenching, awful experience – and one which may take a long time to get over. They seem so normal at first, kind, funny, wanting you to share your insecurities while carefully guarding their own.
They seem charming and flatter you – until you get to know the ‘real them’. They are insidious – before you know it you have feelings for them and you can’t understand where that caring person that you first encountered went to, and long to get ‘that person’ back. Some men are better at this ‘dance’ then others – they will reel you back into the relationship by reverting to that kind person – then once they feel you have reconnected they go back to who they really are. This keeps you constantly off balance and that makes you much more easy for them to control you and the situation. If you wonder where that ‘kind, loving man you first ‘met’ went - the answer is, he was never that man to begin with.
Did I meet such a person, yes, but not on this site. I met them in the ‘real world’. Imagine how much easier it is to deceive on a computer where you cannot see their facial expressions, or read their sensitivity level. Yes I was taken in by one such man who targeted me and my low self-esteem and that ‘experience’ left a permanent mark on my psyche. BTW this happened to me when I had a full head of hair - from all outward appearances there was no reason for him to suspect I had low self-esteem, I was never lacking for male attention, was told often by others I was attractive (although I never believed them), I did not think I had any outward ‘signs’ my self-esteem was not good – and yet HE could tell, because HE knew what to look for, because HE was a predator who carefully culled women like me, because he would only be interested in a woman who did have low self-esteem. It took a while, a long while for him to reveal his true self – predators are often skilled at such ‘hiding’.
As a side note, I eventually did meet a man who is caring and loving and who has NEVER used my insecurities against me and for him. Was it hard to let him into my life – you bet it was. Was I guarded- yeap – and I explained to him why. He understood and was willing to go at my pace. Eventually I realized I could trust him. Do I still have self-esteem issues? Yeap, I still do, although they are getting better despite my continued hair loss. He often tells me I am beautiful and that he is lucky to have me and usually I just say a polite ‘thank you’ – which he never accepts – he says he will continue to tell me until I finally realize it myself. He jokes when I do – watch out! – he will take credit for ‘creating a monster’ of self-esteem which always makes me laugh. Actually, I am the lucky one. Sure we have other issues to deal with – just like any other couple – but he is a good man – and good men, while out there, are hard to find. There are a lot of toads pretending to be good men. Don’t kiss them thinking they will somehow magically turn into a prince. It just does not work that way.
So be careful, look for signs early on – listen to that little inner voice that is telling you something is off. Do not trust blindly but rather make him earn your trust. And be safe.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by BTB (John) on
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Well put LB it is a shame but so many good sites are used by these predators for their own selfish ends. Some of their actions make one ashamed to be male!!!
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Permalink Reply by Me&myGirl_Aussie on
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Yes, I too experenced that, well done for putting this up....and all the best xox
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I agree and male pattern baldness does not count as alopecia in my opinion and I have it so can speak with some authority.
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Great post Rose its shame that a support site can be perverted by the male predators.
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Permalink Reply by kymkym on
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Well put. It takes a caring person to post such beautiful reminderS. This post may save someone's life.
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Permalink Reply by LilyBell*Murphy'sLawLuvsMe on
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I am so pleased that this discussion was received as I intended it to be.
I simply cannot understand why someone without hairloss and who does not know someone personally with hairloss would choose to come to this site to seek a 'date'. I mean what do you google to find this site and then what goes through someone's mind that 'oh gee this would be a good place to find a date?' I just don't get it.
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I am surprised this post has not caused more debate I believe that many women wont come forward to speak about this topic out fear and embarrassment. The predators take away your power by making it feel like it was your fault and you deserved what happened. If women do not stand as one against these men then it will continue and they will never be exposed for what they are. Well LB.
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I agree BTB it is a combo of both - at least it was for me. Embarrassment that I let it happen to myself - how could I have been so stupid to not listen to my inner voice - and fear that speaking out might cause him to come after me. At one point I had to testify in court - after many many court appearances and much intimidation - I don't think I would have gotten through all that without my family and the court appointed victim's advocate. I still do however always look over my shoulder - I will never get over that and I do not trust so easily - it changed my personality - and that is a shame.
Online that fear is still there I think for many - fear of being bothered - fear that if you did share personal information with the person they will use that against you - it is awful - but I do agree - we must all stand together and press forward - however it is hard if you feel doing so will set that person off.
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Agreed you are so right LB, men use physical and mental abuse in equal measure to get there power trips working. A weak man has to show that he can control someone some picks the emotionally vulnerable and fakes his concern because he does noe have the courage to feel real emotions. In the wash up he ends up alone and sad trying desperately to bolster his self esteem while all the time looking more and more pathetic, never realizing a relationship is a partnership where two people share feelings and thoughts freely. Thanks again LB a discussion on this level reinforces in me just home precious a relationship based on respect and understanding is.
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Permalink Reply by Rose Marie' on
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Hi
As a Mum I can't tell you how horrible it is to me to know those 'ratbag' men are out there perusing this extremely well run site.
I'm very aware of one man asking me questions with regard to my daughter and then wanting me to ring him...seriously what was he thinking!!! Just weird.
So, everyone just be thoughtful about what you do with friendships etc. here as it can put you in a vulnerable position.
I've been here for quite a few years now and know that on the whole this site in particular is supportive, caring and an excellent resource for those with hairloss.
Rosy
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Hi Rosy,
I am very new to this site. In fact have posted one post and received a reply from a man who had some "vital" information to share with me, but i had to ring him to receive it! Of course i didn't ring, however I can see how someone could almost fall for this. I think i need to report this.
Terri
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Permalink Reply by Alopecia World on
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In the past, there has been much discussion about the issues raised in LilyBell's post, and Alopecia World has always taken the position that anyone who conducts himself or herself in a respectful and supportive manner is more than welcome to join this site. This means that there is -- and has always been! -- a place here for non-alopecians, too. In fact, that's why this group exists and a link to the "10 tips for getting the most out of Alopecia World" is included in the welcome email every new member receives.
Now concerning "dating on Alopecia World," this is not prohibited because it is not a problem in itself. It only becomes a problem when someone, regardless of whether they have alopecia, engages in behavior or interacts with another member in a manner that is disrespectful, harassing, or otherwise inappropriate per the site's terms of service. Of course, any member who experiences such inappropriate interaction should immediately report the matter to Alopecia World and be sure to include as many specific and relevant details as possible.
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