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Relationship worries
Hey there, does anybody have any advice on what to do about your relationship with your boyfriend when he can't cope with me his girlfriend having alopecia and being bald???
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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Leave him, go find yourself, and wait for one who will appreciate all of you.
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Permalink Reply by LilyBell*Murphy'sLawLuvsMe on
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can't cope how? Can't cope cause it turns him off or can't cope cause it upsets him to see you upset. If the former give him the boot - he is too immature. If it the later you two may be able to work together so he has a better understanding of what you are feeling. You should not have to convince him to want to say - if that is the case show him the door. Sometimes the lonliest we ever feel is next to someone who is suppose to love us. (pardon my spelelgin - spell check is not working)
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Permalink Reply by ShoCorona on
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Hey Lilybell..... thanks for your reply, I think he can't cope as I've changed. I was only diagnosed in July, up til then I'd never had any problems with my hair. So to go from having a mane of auburn hair down my back to suddenly losing it all including my eyebrows and eyelashes. I've not coped very well :( and I think my low self-esteem and wanting to hide away has put him off. We've been together for 4 yrs + 2 months so it's not as if we're a new relationship. Arg! It's not as I chose for this to happen. Just feel soooooooooooooooo low...
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I'm sorry you have having to deal with this on top of the whole hair loss issue. I am sure you are coping the best you can. After 4 plus years it would seem he should step up to help you, reassure you that he still finds you beautiful. I can imagine it is a big adjustment for him but good Lord it is a BIGGER adjustment for you!!! There is no easy answer to this - if you love him and think he is just also having to deal with an adjustment period then perhaps it is time to have a very long talk - encourage him to be really open but be prepared that he may not be able to give you what you need. Hope it works out for you xoxoo
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Permalink Reply by Norm on
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If you want to know what to do to fix this, then first of all you have to find out exactly what the problem is - if you take your car to the garage because it's not working properly, the first thing the mechanic will do is ask you questions about what symptoms there are to give him an idea of where the fault lies, and then he'll look at the car himself to see if he can determine the exact cause. It's no use replacing parts on the motor if your brakes don't work!
And it's the same with anything that's not functioning as it should, including a relationship (apart from asking a mechanic... unless you want to borrow something large and heavy? :) ) But in this case, the way to start a diagnosis is to step into your fella's head and try and see things as he does. And as you've said yourself, you've changed - you're not the girl he's been with for the last 4 years. Your appearance is different, and so's your personality... you're no longer outgoing, probably nothing like as much fun, and while it's very easy to say "he should cope", actually... why should he? If you can't handle it, why do you expect him to? He might have tried all the ways he can think of, and nothing he does makes things any better.So, what you have to do is start on the diagnosis, and as LilyBell says, have that Serious Talk - and agree beforehand that you'll both be honest and truthful, and neither of you will react badly at anything the other says - because this is a fact-finding mission, not a reason to beat the other senseless. Only then can you both decide on the way forward, wherever that leads. This isn't about "blame" - these are simply people's understandable reactions to a sudden change in a previously-happy situation. It's too simplistic to say, as is often said on here, "leave him and find someone who accepts you as you are". One could just as easily advise him "if you're not keen on her being bald, ditch her". Both are cruel and unnecessary - people deserve a little more consideration than that.
The result may be that it really is as simple as him not liking bald girls, but that leads off into a whole different area of discussion on where you go/what you do next. But - and here's a scary thought - it might be that it's YOU that has to do the "saving"! If he's having trouble, but is prepared to stick with you (and he's not left yet, has he?), and the You and Him thing is worth it, maybe it's you that has to step up to the mark first and accept the New You and stop getting depressed over something you can't change. Have you ever seen what happens when someone suffers from cancer or some other life-threatening illness? It's often the case that the sufferer copes much, much better than those who love them. In fact, the sufferer ends up giving support to others, because they've come to a place of acceptance and their loved ones haven't or can't - you must know how tough it is to see someone going through hell. So if you can manage that, then once he sees you're better with it, he'll be better too.
Whoops - looks like I've rambled on a bit here.... sorry it's a bit War and Peace, but it's not something to be treated lightly, is it? Hope you can make it work.... let us know how it goes (and if you think I'm talking rubbish :) )
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Wise words. Sometimes it is hard to see one's way out of a paper bag when upset, or to accept the self in a new situation. I apologize if I was blunt above, but I was speaking from the hindsight of having a cruel spouse (about my own hair loss. He ORDERED me to grow hair, even knowing all about alopecia! And that was a 15-year marriage!). I don't wait for pain to grow anymore...I withdraw to find myself, and just pray my loved ones will still be there when I do. Finding new, accepting people makes a world of difference, even daily and in the mind.
But yes, The Talk must happen. Maybe several times until all is clear, pro or con.
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Sorry, TG, I wasn't having a go at you - I know you too well to think you're "simplistic" (but "bafflingly complicated", yes!). Now, tell us all about life living in a paper bag... it must get really soggy when you're upset :)
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Permalink Reply by Julie Koch on
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You're too funny Norm! You make me smile and laugh and that is the best medicine for me. Thanks for your witty comments and giving me something to smile about!
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Yes, quite soggy of late...a bit salty, too. But that's about other things, not alopecia!
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Norm I agree with much of what you said with the exception of why should he cope, if she can't handle it, why expect him too.
Because in my opinion, I would not want to be with any man that would not do all he could to cope, because if he loves me, really loves me, he will find a way to cope to help me - the same way I would find a way to cope to help him. This is what seperates the men from the boys. There will come times in everyones life when he or she will not cope well or at all- with something: loss of a parent, serious illness, etc. During these times a loving mate sets aside their own needs and helps their partner - for as long as it takes. I do not like the disposable attitude that I see has become common place in todays society when it comes to relationships.
Other than that I totally agree with your reasoning. You have to find out what he is thinking before you can try to work through it.
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Hi LB - I thought you might pull me up on something in that post... :) I just read it through again, and I think I didn't explain properly what I meant by "why should he cope if you can't".
I wasn't talking about the initial reactions to sudden alopecia - anyone who professes any kind of feelings for someone, and who then cuts and runs at that point or fails to try and support you, is beneath contempt. No, I was meaning further down the line - after the initial shock has worn off, after you've done some research/seen some specialists, and when it's pretty obvious that this is how things are gonna be from now on - when the "acceptance" phase should be kicking in. If you're still crying into your beer and doing the "woe is me" thing all the time, and showing no signs of moving on, then your partner will eventually run out of sympathy and will start to feel resentment. And why shouldn't they? The person they love has changed, dramatically - in fact, in extreme cases, you could say they've ceased to exist. That's why I said "you might have to take the initiative" - show that the Old You is still there, that you might be in a bad place right now, but that there's light at the end of the tunnel - no matter if you're totally bald forever, you'll eventually find a way to get back to having the life you had before. Basically, give them a reason to stay, y'know?
It's very easy to fall into a "victim" mentality and wallow in self-pity all the time, but the people around you will soon get cheesed off with hearing the same old sob story over and over. Sure, you're allowed to grieve over a loss.... the ending of a relationship, the death of a partner, even your hair. But at some point you have to find a way to live with that loss, and start to move on, or you're gonna be Billy No Mates, having driven everyone away!
In ShoCorona's case here (it's OK, SC, we've not forgotten ya! :) ), it's still fairly early days - it's, what, 5 months since the hair went? So you should be over that initial shock part and beginning to move into finding ways of living with it. The fact that SO (that's Significant Other, by the way) is still around, shows he cares, but he's having a hard time adjusting. Show him that the old SC still wants to come out and play now and then, that being bald doesn't mean you can't have fun! If you want him to make the effort, so must you!
Oh, and another thought. It's often said on here that guys should love women even if they're bald (er, if the women are bald, I mean!). Well, I agree, they should.... but only if the women show it's not really that big a deal. If you're going to make out it's the end of the world, how do you expect other people to react? If you're OK with it, they'll be OK with it too.
LB, I now invite your further comment.... and SC, where are ya? What say you? There's not THAT much going on in Aberdeen to keep you away from here!!! :)
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hey there and thanks for your honest opinion :)
I'm around just not been on the net, and yer right there aint much to here in Abergloom ahemn Aberdeen!! I do think I've pushed him away and been very negative of late, it's just been hard. There's other things that have happened in the past year for both of us, so I think this hair-loss moment has pushed us to the edge... I am trying to be positive and have been out more with my wig or hat, it just get so damn itchy when you're in a hot or busy place!
I think the fact that I don't know anyone with alopecia has made it difficult for me to express and vent my feelings. That's why I joined here :) So agin thank you for replying and i hope this message finds you well :)
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