Alopecia World
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Sex and alopecia
What are some of your do's and don'ts of sex? As an alopecian, in other words, what are some of the things that you do or do NOT expect from your sex partner as it relates to your alopecia? Are alopecic areas of your body -- for example, your head -- completely off-limits during sex, or might your partner touch those areas under certain conditions during sex? Is your partner free to compliment or otherwise speak of your alopecia during sex? Do you forbid your partner from touching your wig or hairpiece during sex? Has your alopecia in any way diminished or ruined your sex life (or perhaps enhanced it!)? What can your partner do or NOT do to help you become more comfortable with your alopecia during sex?
Only mature adults are invited to contribute to this discussion. Please be discrete and tactful, as vulgarity, profanity, and obscenity will not be tolerated.
Only mature adults are invited to contribute to this discussion. Please be discrete and tactful, as vulgarity, profanity, and obscenity will not be tolerated.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on
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Yokasta, I never stated nor intimated that sex and intimacy shouldn't or don't go hand-in-hand. In fact, I also invited alopecians to discuss the kinds of things that might help make them more comfortable with their alopecia during sex. Assuredly, true intimacy as opposed to mere intercourse must play a pivotal role in bringing an alopecian to such a comfort level. I noted this "undercurrent" as well and have said nothing against it.
Thanks for introducing the question of how alopecians got through their first sexual encounter as an alopecian. This certainly is a germane matter, many responses to which will certainly provide just the inspiration and guidance that you and so many other alopecians are seeking. :-)
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Permalink Reply by Lee on
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Good questions!! k...heres my two cents. I've never had any sex issues with Alopecia. I've had it less than a year. For obvious wig reasons, my hair can't be pulled...untill now...because I just got a vacuum wig...and it doesnt move!! Thank god! I miss that part of sex...the hair pulling. NOT having hair in other places has enhanced my sex life! NOT having to shave anything is also really cool because Im not self concious at all about stubble. As far as a man talking about my alopecia during sex...no...cause its still too new to me..and it still hurts. Simply calling me beautiful is the best way to make me feel comfortable about it. Hope I didnt get off topic lol
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Cute, Lee. No, you didn't leave the topic. LOL However, you missed Yokasta latest question: How did things go when you had sex for the first time as an alopecian? Ya miss the hair pulling, huh? I've gotta ask Cheryl about that one! LOL
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haha! um...I dont even remember...it just wasn't an issue. He knew...and stayed away from my hair. Sometimes guys forget though...in fact...most of the time...I have to remind them LO L. Thats why when women get so stressed about telling their bf's...they shouldn't. It doesn't seem like guys remember or care ; )
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Permalink Reply by Fitzy on
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I think it is a fine line. My boyfriend is very accepting of my AU, sometimes we have sex with my wig on and other times not. But I understand that hair is part a femininity and sometimes he likes me to wear it. I guess it can be more of a turn on to have hair to run your fingers through, just like I like to do when I wear my wig. But he also respects me and loves me without it as well. It is just an un common thing, and while we need to feel like we trust them and get used to it, so do they. So we shouldn't get upset when men are working through it and it takes time. How long did it take us to adjust? It doesn't make them bad, they are just trying to get their head around a new dimension to the partnership that they would not have had to deal with in the past.
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"Hair is part a femininity?" I'll need time to get my head around this. ;-)
You certainly have a valid point: Alopecians also should be patient with their partners as their partners struggle to come to terms with their alopecia. But how much time is too much time? I mean, if it's two or five or fifteen years later and your man is still "working through it," might the real problem be he's probably never going to get through it?
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Well I had hair until I was 7 so it was part of me as a female. Yes there is defiantly a time barrier to getting used to it.
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Permalink Reply by Tina on
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This is such as awesome topic and it is one of the things I have struggled with the most with having alopecia. I've only had alopecia for a year and I'm 24 years old, so my sex life has definietly changed!! My boyfriend loves me for me and could really care less if I'm wearing a wig, a scarf, or nothing at all. I've been with him for over 2 years, and I know that our sex hasn't changed for him, but for me it kind of has. For a while I didn't want to have sex because I did feel like I had lost a big part of my femininity and that I looked so much different, and that I wasn't attractive. I liked having my hair fall in his face, and moving it out of the way, and all that good stuff. =)
I do miss him running his fingers through my hair and little things like that, but I'm learning how to adjust now and I've gotten a lot better with it. I feel like it is a process though, especially for those of us who were so used to having hair for so long. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I'm feeling more comfortable having sex with nothing on my head. It defintely helps when you have a wonderful, caring, and supportive partner though! =) I guess it comes down to self esteem because for so long, I had lost it, and that's when it was hard. But I'm finally starting to get it back, so of course, the intimacy is getting better too.
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Permalink Reply by Kate on
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Wow, this is such a great topic. As I had a full head of hair just 3 months ago and now have AU it is certainly something which is a topic on my mind.
I am pretty lucky though as I have a great boyfriend who I have been with for 6 years, we know each other inside out and he has seen me looking wonderful…and looking horrible, drunk, with flu and cold sores all over my face and everything else! So, what I look like is not the thing that makes him love or want me.
Having said that, I think it is a great opportunity to have some fun and be a bit different. I was naturally light-brown / blond and totally straight hair…now in the bedroom I am 'Roxy', a cheap wig from a local 'hair and fashion' shop. I have long auburn curls, and it is a lot of fun. Obviously I am not Roxy every time, and I am more than comfortable with my bald head and I absolutely love have my head rubbed. It is very soothing.
Anyway, glad its not just me that had thought a lot about this subject!
Good on you all x
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Permalink Reply by Mark S. Hansen on
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I have had alopecia totalis for over 40 years, it started when I was about 8 and all started to fall out when I was about 13. My years in junior high school where hell. I got beat up and had what was left of my hair ripped out a few times. And even into my adult life I have experienced ignorance of all kinds, stares, and talk like"he looks so weird," behind my back in college. Well my parents bought me my first wig when I went into the 10th grade. My condition was not a secret very long. I had my first date when I was about 19. it was a blind date and it was a disaster. She ingored me all night. Anyways, I wore a high quality wig for over 30 years. But it never gave me the courage that I thought I would have. Instead of approaching women throughout the 70's, 80's, and 90's, in night clubs school etc, I would stop short of taking chances and think "what if I ask her out and she says yes, and then I have to end up telling her about my wig and what if she is turned off?" I had a chance to lose my virginity to a woman who asked me to stay over night with her at the hotel in Minneapolis. I was 30 it was in 1986 while we were both there for an interview for a flight attendant job in Minneappolis. But I didn't take the chance and tell her about my wig because I thought she would be turned off. So I said good bye and took the plane home. Anyways, About 6 years ago at age 48 I finally took off my wig, threw it away and now I wear a hat just about every where. But to this day I have never had a relationship or girl friend. I lost my virginty at the age of 50, 4 years ago, to a woman I met off the internet. I did not tell her about my condition on my profile or over the phone. But we met and ended up sleeping together. But after that night I never heard from her again. And that was the last date I had. The last time I was within arms length of a woman before that was about 1989. I don't know what the moral of the story is here except that one should be sure to take more chances in life because you never know what someone is going to say or do. Don't get me wrong, getting rejected is always painful and never, not a big deal. But ending up alone like me is worse. Mark Hansen
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Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on
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Google your own name to see if this all appears online. You may want to choose a nickname for this site!
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