Still having trouble coping after 5 years

Hey all, here's my story. I am a 19yo male, nearly 20 these days. My hair started falling out when I was about 13-14, and by then I'd wear a cap to school because it was just small spots. Went to the hospital for treatment but it didn't help of course. Fast forward and I am now 15 years old, no hair AT ALL. I always wear a hat to school that covers my whole head up. Naturally it aroused questions, etc. Anyway, a year later I said fuck it! And I stopped wearing that hat, and showed myself. It was a big achievement for me, and the first time I did it I noticed people giving me strange looks all the time! I have alopecia universalis, so I guess people tend to think I have cancer. Throughout highscool and until about half a year ago I would always make jokes about my appearance or go along with other's jokes, but lately I've stopped doing it and I don't enjoy them anymore.

So that's my history, and here we are now. I'm old enough to think for myself now and I notice how much trouble I actually have with coping. I'll give a few examples.

At uni some guy came up from behind and started petting me (wtf, weird... people have done it before, but I'm done with that shit) so he sits down, and a couple mins after I get up I pet him and leave. He never did it after that anymore. To me it feels like you're trying to be dominant over me, so I'll return the favor.

A teacher at uni made a joke about radioactive welding and pointed out that if you're not careful you will end up looking like me (=.= thanks). After the lesson I told him I don't want him to make those kind of jokes anymore, and it's funny how weird people get when you just normally confront them. Got welding lessons again tomorrow so I'll see how it goes.

I was very drunk, like very, about a year ago. A very good friend called me voldemort, and I uncontrollably punched him in the face. I am by no means an aggressive guy, and I would never abuse the kickboxing lessons I took. It just... happened, without any control. I didn't even know I did it until after he told me "You hit me!"

So what does this is all come down to? I guess it's me just not accepting myself. Or are some people just being assholes?

I'd like some insight here. If you've read it all, thanks. Have a good day.

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Permalink Reply by michelle on February 18, 2014 at 10:26pm

Hi Maurice,

I agree with Aimee.  It sounds for the most part you are handling have AU pretty good!   The reality is that AU is not an invisible illness and we ( I have AU) will attract stares and weird comments.  Now mixing alcohol and a bad joke is not a good combination any time.  For the most part friends will take their cue from you.  As for coping, continue to focus on the strength that has helped you all of these years.  Do not let single incidents define how you are coping.

Permalink Reply by Maurice on February 28, 2014 at 7:26am

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate it. Aimee is right, I used to joke it about it often so it makes sense anyway. I want to free myself from the thought process that AU brings with it, which might take another couple of years. Accepting yourself is hard but I'm getting there.

Permalink Reply by AlopeciaDestroyedMyLife on February 28, 2014 at 9:05am

I've had it for 10 years and hate every single day , I feel for you man. 

Permalink Reply by Rose Marie' on March 18, 2014 at 3:00pm

You are doing a very good job of handling things Maurice.  It is never easy managing a condition that changes your appearance.  

I have always advised my daughter to never minimise her condition to anyone.  I have noticed over the years humour can be very hurtful, so we tend not to go there unless my daughter makes the joke.  But even then I will consider where it is coming from and what that joke actually means to her.  Sometimes humour can be a marvellous thing to release emotions that are otherwise difficult to get out, but be careful...never use it to make small of yourself or others, as that just isn't ok. :)

I think everybody is on a continual journey to accept themselves.  It takes time and it changes all the time.  As far as I can see you are doing well.

Rosy

Permalink Reply by Maurice on May 19, 2014 at 11:19am

Thanks for your reply Rose, now I know there are some gender based differences and that might play a role here as well.

I don't know how to handle these comments well, usually I just pick people off and talk to them briefly about it in private, they respond well. But I feel like a sissy motherfucker who gets his feelings hurt by comments of others that shouldn't even bother my bald ass head anyway. I wish I could honestly say "yes, I am a bald looking ass fuckface, so what?!" you know, why do I take these kind of things to my heart so much? Like it matters, it feels like something I will have to deal my whole life with. I want to stop being such a little bitch about it.

I apologize for the many swearing, but it is an expression of how I feel about it right now.

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