Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tallgirl on July 16, 2011 at 8:25pm

Because he didn't tell you how he felt about that person from home but hinted at it with his "naw" and "mean" and "but" words, I'd say it is most likely he either really doesn't prefer hair loss, or was trying to tell you he already knows about your hair loss (and wanted to see if YOU would tell him). To save face, why not write him a private message or letter that he can mull over before he answers you? Then, if he doesn't want to continue the relationship, at least you don't have to watch him walk away. Chickens do not deserve to be watched. Have moral support and a pleasing beverage handy for the day he responds...just in case it is news you don't want to hear. I am being realistic: some men can't handle hair loss. Good luck.

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Permalink Reply by Violet on July 16, 2011 at 10:55pm

I've got to agree with Tallgirl on this. Probably a good idea to send him an email or something, and let him know that way. This affords him the opportunity to be confronted with the information on his own time, and doesn't put you in an uncomfortable place by having to be face-to-face explaining it and possibly allowing emotions to run wild. If he can't handle it, it's not going to matter how you tell him, but I think it would be easier on you to do it without actually having to see his reaction in person - at least it would be for me. I'm sorry his words made you feel the way they did. It's very difficult for us to feel like we aren't acceptable. Unfortunatley, there are people who don't accept others for whatever reason (hair loss, weight, disabilities, cultures, etc) and we cannot control that. Control only what you can - your response to things and your response to yourself. I hope things work out the way they are supposed to, which is usually the "best" way even if we can' t see it at the time.

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Permalink Reply by Bk on July 17, 2011 at 12:01am

Hi Whitney, I was just perusing your photo album and noticed that you've posted quite a few pics sans hair. No doubt, you're beautiful either way, but I can't help but wonder why you're not comfortable being "completely nekked" in front of him. I personally have made the choice to not wear wigs and this is one of the main reasons why. I hate/dread the idea of having to have "the talk" with anyone. I too live in the bay area and have found that being a bald woman is definitely not the freakest thing going on here. Anyway, that's my plug for going the "no plugs" direction, but to answer your question, I would pick a time (in the very near future) when you were alone and free from distraction and just tell him, outright. I would say something to the effect of, "there's something that I've wanted to discuss with you for awhile and the other day you gave me the perfect opportunity to open the discussion, but I wasn't quite brave enough to begin." And then just go into your alopecia schpeel. I think its important for you to see his reaction and body language. You'll know immediately by the look on his face, the questions that he asks, and his general concern for you, what his feelings/opinions are for your situation. It may be hard, it may be the best thing that ever happened to the two of you (fostering more intimacy), but you won't be second guessing his response or waiting on pins and needles for his reaction. Hold your head up high, accept yourself and most likely he will too. Good luck and all the gumption in the world to you.

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Permalink Reply by Bk on July 17, 2011 at 2:32pm

Speaking from the heart is always eloquent, no matter what words you choose. I have confidence in you that you'll find the right words and no matter the outcome, you have all the love & support from this forum...When in doubt, follow Bob's advice:
Don't Worry About a Thing, Cause Every Little Thing is Gonna Be Alright.

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Permalink Reply by Meryl on July 17, 2011 at 11:03pm

Hi. I just want to chime in here... I must say I agree with Bk. You seem too worried about HIS feelings. He is a grown man and any man you deserve should be able to handle the situation. You aren't missing half your brain, just your hair. He thinks you are beautiful and nothing changes that. Hold your head up high. You are amazing.

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Permalink Reply by Brenda Sanders on July 17, 2011 at 12:55am

Maybe he deserves a second chance. First ask if he knows what alopecia is. If he doesn't, explain it to him. When he asks why you explained the definition of alopecia, then tell him that you have it, and you don't feel it's right when he pokes fun about something he doesn't understand. People all over the world have things wrong with that we all don't understand, but what or who does it help by poking fun? There are many things I would like to understand but they may always be beyond my reach of understanding. It may not be meant for us to understand why we got this. We do have our limbs and good minds, does that change us because we don't have hair. I've been where you are. I now have a kind and understanding (as much as he can understand) husband. I don't think anyone can understand unless they have alopecia too! To be kind is what matters. Give it a try and see what happens. At least he won't be able to say you didn't give him the benefit of the doubt.

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Permalink Reply by Geoff L on July 17, 2011 at 1:52am

Hey Witney,

I got this thread on my Blackberry in the middle of the night and now I can't get back to sleep until I answer it.

It sounds like he might already know on a subliminal level. But at this point you're going to have to tell him.

When I get into a situation where I am going to have a big conversation with someone I think it through in advance. Have sort of a plan for whatever response I can imagine. Sleep on it and rehearse it in my head over and over. Sometimes I use the telephone, sometimes in person, sometimes in writing.

This one sounds to me like it would make a good telephone conversation because you need to get this resolved within yourself soon, and if you send him an email or something like that and he doesn't respond right away then the anticipation and worry is just going to continue. Face to face may not be good because the focus will be on your outer condition rather than on how you feel on the inside.

If it doesn't work out then I am sure that you will be able to find a new boyfriend. I saw the pics and you don't look bad at all with a bald head.

Good Luck!

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Permalink Reply by holyhairlossbatman!! on July 17, 2011 at 2:08am

Oh...I'm so sorry. It seems like SO much has been built up around this moment for you it is so sensitive and painful for you. My brow is furrowed for you. If it was me, I would tell him on the phone. I mean, you wouldn't see the look on his face, which may be good or bad for you. I'd expect a pause or a silence. 20/20 is always hindsight and the advice about telling about alopecia beforehand is terrific, but again, that doesn't work with now does it? Maybe he does have a clue. Ya have to tell him...My method is to wear so many different wigs (sometimes several a day) that it is really obvious to everyone this can't be my real hair. I am wearing a wig to swim in even because my special needs kiddo is bothered. I'm not. Whatever you decide, you know that there are many of us out here thinking of you and rooting for ya. :0) Jenni

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Permalink Reply by Nancy on July 17, 2011 at 3:46am

Hi Whitney,

I'm sorry you had to endure such an awkward moment! I mean of all the things to say... it's BIZARRE that he would even mention a bald girl he used to know right? How would seeing you wearing a hat even provoke that memory?? I don't think it sounds like he has an idea that you have alopecia or he wouldn't still be your boyfriend and he would have said his own comment was "mean". Let me share a few of my personal stories with you
1. I had just shaved my head before a trip to Vegas with a bunch of girlfriend's and was wearing a scarf on my head. One of them said "You look like a cancer patient" and laughed. I told her I had just shaved my head (but didn't explain why) and she just apologized and said she didn't know. I understood.
2. I went to a pool party last summer and wore a wide brimmed hat over a scarf on my head. There was a lot of people at this party and a few knew of the alopecia but anyone who didn't know would find out before the end of the day when someone pushed me into the pool exposing me to the world. it was MORTIFYING.
3. I had started dating someone when my alopecia started to get really severe. We had only been with each other a few months, but even so, by the time we started going out I was wearing extensions to cover bald spots almost 24/7. The day I shaved my head I blushed furiously every time I contemplated picking up the phone to tell him. It took my a good day or two of avoiding him before I told him over the phone. And I said, "I just wanted you to know. I know it's not normal and so I just wanted to be honest with you and let you know that you if this isn't okay with you, I totally understand but I need a boyfriend who can accept this because there's NOTHING i can do about it. If you don't know what you want to do that, you don't have to say anything right now, we can talk later." It was hard conversation and I wanted to cry throughout the whole thing because I felt so sorry for myself and for him to even have to make that decision based on something that wasn't even a fundamental part of the conversation. I was still coping with the whole shaved head thing as well but ya.... it was easier for me to do it over the phone so that I could get out what I wanted to say without breaking down or feeling vulnerable or feel obligated to have to show him my head etc etc.
I know how you feel because I don't show anyone my head unless I'm around my immediate family and boyfriend (same one :) ) Even though my best friends know about it, I've yet to show any of them either so I do know how you feel but I think if you tell people first much like someone had mentioned previously, it just takes the entire subject off the table. Relationships are so hard as it is, guess what, in 50 years, NO ONE is with you for your looks. I hate that that sounds so cliche since first impressions bear so much weight, but if someone I went out with looked at me like i was crazy just because i had no hair, I would be OKAY with not being with that person. I was lucky my bf was so understanding, but I was preparing myself for the worse.

I think you should be honest with your boyfriend. Trust me, mine doesn't want me to be bald. He always tells me how gorgeous he thought when I had hair, but never fails to tell me all the time how beautiful he thinks I am regardless. Did he ever think he'd end up with a bald girl?? NO!!!! So he might now be okay w it, but you might be worth it for him to try and deal with it. Give him resources like this website so he gets a better understanding of it. Finally, if he decides that reason alone if enough for him not to be with you, I'd say, you're are lucky. In that regard, we are all lucky that we have that filter. And don't forget, relationships are a two way street. He may choose to stay with you or not, but you have just as much say in any relationship you're in as well. Good luck, please keep us posted and let us know how it goes!

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Permalink Reply by Nadia Lionetti on July 17, 2011 at 3:50am

hey whitney, I completely agree with gabby on this one. I am 23 years old and have had alopecia for 8 years. I have also had 3 boyfriends and I have told them about my alopecia before the relationship started. I think you should sit down and tell him as soon as possible to minimise any stress you are dealing with regarding it. I know it's easier said than done but having alopecia is really nothing to be ashamed or embaressed and your boyfriend should love you for who you are. If he doesnt accept the alopecia, he doesnt accept you and tbh if he wont accept it then hes not the man for you! If he really loves you then the alopecia wont bother him and he will want to support you through it. good luck with it all and hope hope you find the strength to tell him soon :)

nadia xxx

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Permalink Reply by Michael Powers on July 17, 2011 at 3:52am

Whitney - Its hard to know whether someone should know up front or should get to know you casually a bit first. Either way, its better to know earlier rather than later when strong feelings have formed. If you are getting along well otherwise I would do this in person, in a comfortable place. Don't make it a bigger deal than it is. The name Alopecia right off the bat can be intimidating so I suggest sticking with "I have this immune systems thing where my hair has fallen out - it doesnt effect me otherwise ..." - Sometimes this condition is such a big deal to us when it really isnt in the grand scheme of things. If you are healthy otherwise (and you yoga moves tell me you are) then emphasize that rather then identifying as an ill person having to reveal some deep secret. The more casual you can be and feel about it the better. He may not be mature enough to handle it or simply may not like the idea of someone smooth but I'm here to say that plenty of great partners are out there who do like that in a woman. Fight the shame, talk in person, emphasize your good traits that really set you apart and let him revolve around you. If he stays you have a good man to be with but if he chooses to leave, well, better now than when you really need him!

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Permalink Reply by Katie B on July 17, 2011 at 4:40am

Ok - this is going to be an answer based on my opinion - might sound harsh but heh!

If this guy is going to have a problem with your hair loss - feel at all awkward in your presence because of it - worry about what his mates are going to think..... then hes a bit spineless in my opinion.

You deserve someone who is going to think you are fantastic however you look and not give two hoots about it and definitely not care what other people think about it. We all need someone to support us, love us, have our back etc..... and not crumble at the first sign of anything a bit scary.

So when you tell him (which you will - else you will just feel entirely uncomfortable for ever) remember that you dont want someone spineless!! And if hes feeling a bit 'oooh ummm errrr' about it - theres the door, please use it. You dont need someone whos got to go and think about it for a while. You havent changed because hes found out you wear a wig.

I am attempting to get back into dating at the moment and I am definitely feeling attracted to men who are a little different themselves and tend not to give too many hoots what other people think of them! They see a difference and say 'oooh how interesting' rather than 'eeeek my mates will think im dating a man'.

Let us know how you get on.

xxxxxxx

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