Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by emily on July 16, 2008 at 12:46am

i'll chime in and say that there is such a fine line with "conversation starters" regarding being bald. if someone approaches me and asks directly about my baldness i am insulted. if they say "you can really pull it off" i feel like im in costume. if they ignore it, im anxious about what they are thinking.

i was once on a date and decided i was going to take off my hat. i "warned" my date, which i feel was a little self depricating, but i was self concious. anyway, he turned to me and said, "i think its stunning"! needless to say, that is Exactly what i needed to hear. the timing was right, and it worked for me.

i guess its all in the timing.

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on July 16, 2008 at 1:44am

Thanks for chiming in, Emily.

In line with what you wrote, I've always found it more prudent and promising to allow the woman to initiate conversations about what might be considered a flaw in her physical appearance. Even if I thought the physical feature in question actually enhanced her appearance or simply looked good on her, I didn't mention it until she first brought it up.

I've dated two alopecic women, for example, but I only discussed their hair (or lack thereof) after they broached the topic in ways that convinced me that it was safe to comment on the matter. But remembering something that was instilled in me from my mother's womb -- that you shouldn't say anything if you don't have something good to say -- I only commented on their hairlessness if/because I thought it was attractive.

Of course, as you intimated, what made the timing right for my compliments was their apparent openness to hearing them. In other words, if you're saying that a man should offer his opinion of a woman's alopecia only if he's asked or invited to give it, then I agree with you...at least to a certain degree.

I'd make and allow for an exception in the case of a man who observes that a woman may be having some negative issues with her alopecia and that her issues with her alopecia seem to be creating an intimacy barrier between the two of them. In this latter case, I believe it would be okay for the man of integrity to initiate a conversation about her alopecia, but only with the sole intent to ensure her that her hair (or the lack thereof) truly is no issue for him, at least.

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on July 16, 2008 at 11:14am

Recently, I received email from alopecians and non-alopecians who wanted to know whether it's acceptable for a non-alopecian as well as an alopecian to join our beloved community in hopes of finding someone to date or marry.

My answer is an unequivocal yes because Alopecia World isn't just a support group per se, but a full-fledged social networking site that's open to all alopecians as well as others individuals who love, care about, or are attracted to them.

However, it must be understood Alopecia World is NOT a so-called bald fetish site, which means that disrespecting anyone by treating him/her like a mere object of an obsession will NOT be tolerated.

Each and every member of Alopecia World is expected to be courteous, discerning, and considerate in his/her interaction with other members of Alopecia World, at all times. By definition, this entails immediately ending attempts to communicate or connect with a member once s/he expresses a complete lack of interest.

This means that "men who don't have alopecia and who are on this site without their partners or family member being on here" are just as welcome as anyone else if they are honest, respectful, and do not attempt to impose themselves on any of the female (or male) members of Alopecia World.

For those of you who are like Tamgirl -- simply not interested in meeting such men, period -- I encourage you to gracefully rebuff their advances or report the ones that continue contacting you after you've clearly instructed them to stop doing so.

Which brings me to what should be Rule #1 of starting a conversation with an alopecic woman: End it, if she's offended or simply uninterested. As Tamgirl also noted, pressing the matter usually is but a sure way to push a woman away. If she doesn't encourage you by engaging you in a genuinely inviting way, then it's better to perhaps try again at another time WITHOUT resorting to a Little-Engine-That-Could mentality because you fancy yourself to be irresistible.

Finally, Tamgirl asks,

"Do you think that an alopecian woman is different from any other woman (for example with their hair etc) when it comes to approaching them?"

In most cases, yes, because their hair (or lack thereof) is an issue or sore spot for them while most other women seem to have no issue with their hair except how to tame or style it. For example, Tamgirl, you mentioned that you're not fan of men approaching you and telling you that you're beautiful or that they love your bald head. On other hand, I've yet to meet a non-alopecic woman who's so put off by men complimenting her appearance in general or her hair in particular.

Of course, hardly any woman enjoys receiving tasteless flattery from socially inept brutes, but it seems to go well beyond this with most alopecic women. They just don't want men to say anything about their alopecia or baldness, even if, as Emily pointed out, it makes them anxious or leery when men ignore it. That's different, indeed, especially with regard to "hair."

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on July 16, 2008 at 10:24pm

Tamgirl, I think the world of you, and I'm truly honored that you are such an outstanding member of Alopecia World. :-) Your first reply to this discussion prompted me to think about some things, and I simply expressed those thoughts and was not critiquing or criticizing your words. I also didn't assume that you were talking for or about anyone other than yourself, and I appreciate you making it clear that you do not wish that Alopecia World would completely ban non-alopecic males who join our beloved community looking for dates.

Concerning a woman's "weak points," I agree with you and your girlfriends that "it's always important to be careful when you approach a woman." That's why, in my response to Emily, I wrote that I've always found it more prudent and promising to allow the woman to initiate conversations about what might be considered a flaw in her physical appearance. Even if I thought the physical feature in question actually enhanced her appearance or simply looked good on her, I didn't mention it until she first brought it up.

The point I was trying to make with regard to alopecic women is that most of them don't want men to compliment their baldness or alopecia even if those men think it looks natural and beautiful. On the other hand, I can't imagine a non-alopecic woman here in the U.S., at least, having such an aversion to men politely complimenting her long, flowing locks. Perhaps it is just a cultural thing, but I'd bet anything that women in the Netherlands also want compliments from people they want to know as well as people they already know, even if they don't know how to take them. :-)

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on July 17, 2008 at 9:21am

Tamgirl, this is the most interesting and refreshing discussion about conversation starters that I've had in a long time. Thank you very much. :-)

I'm an extremely proud father of three of the most amazing daughters a parent could ever have: and one of the things I've taught each of them is that it a man worthy of her isn't a man who only gazes at (or through!) her, but a man who also truly listens to her and respects her intelligence, integrity, hopes and aspirations, and other centrifugal (not just "inner") strengths.

Thus, I was moved deeply when I read that for you and your friend in the Netherlands,

"A compliment for us is that if someone has a nice conversation with us. That is compliment to us! They take the time, listen and shine their beautiful thoughts with us. A compliment about our looks is too easy and simple. We appreciate compliments about our looks from certain people and take it in with love. But for a starter conversation, a good talk is a compliment to us."

Indeed, I'm going to ask my daughters to reflect on these words and sentiments because, as far a conversation starters is concerned, this underscores the need and desirability of keeping a person's full humanity in view rather than being distracted by mere attraction. As some say here in the U.S., "I likes!"

Permalink Reply by Leon Johnson on November 22, 2008 at 11:27am

This is a very interesting question because it's not like you walk into a woman with alopeica everyday. We still live in a society that has only somewhat accepted baldness on women if they're going through chemotherapy. Most of the african american sisters I know where wigs and weaves and may be dealing with hairloss; so a lot of times a man wouldn't know she had alopecia until they really got into a relationship. It's not that easy.

Permalink Reply by Andre on July 3, 2009 at 3:18pm

i always say the wrong thing al the time like a nervous wreck.

Permalink Reply by Gill on July 24, 2009 at 4:34am

I have just read the original post, not got round to reading the rest, but I would just like a man to approach me in the same way as any other woman, that would be so refreshing !! I know that must be difficult for the majority of men, as I am a alopecian who chooses not to wear a wig most of the time.
I was in a bar recently and a bald guy came over tapped me on the head and said "snap" !!!! needless to say that was the end of the conversation.
So please treat me normally, thats what I am normal.

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on July 25, 2009 at 8:46pm

Mr. "Snap" was an idiot, for sure. Still, ya might want to think twice about having most men approach you "in the same way as any other woman." Most men have yet to learn how to approach women regardless of whether they have alopecia. ;-)

Permalink Reply by Mark S. Hansen on March 4, 2010 at 3:53pm

I am a 54 year old, single, never married man who has had alopecia totalis for over 35 years. I too would love iot if a woman for once in my life would approach me AT ALL, not to mention with the same "normal" attitude as she would approach another man. That has never happened to me, ever. But as "normal" as we are, visually we look different. And because many people are not familiar with the condition we have (I feel that I am often mistaken for having cancer and that I am on Kemo) that is another minus. There are also two kinds of ignorance in society. One is natural curosity, the other is associating derogatory terms or negative assumptions about others (us) by others who do not understand or care to. 99 percent of the ignorance that I have experienced over the course of my life has been the latter. Thanks
Mark.

Permalink Reply by John Ford on July 25, 2009 at 8:32pm

Assuming (and we all know bout assumptions) that I'd seen the party in question; after I screwed up the nerve, I'd probably own up to finding them attractive; also acknowledge how approaching women (any woman) brings out my terrified teen followed by a brief bio... and shoot for a nice public coffee date; her choice of location... if that's a go, probably ask what I can do to minimize her jitters too - after all she's human too...

then again... if I was so smart, I wouldn't have had to go to college [The Evergreen State College, B.A. Class of '97]

Permalink Reply by rj, Co-founder on July 25, 2009 at 8:47pm

Cute, John. ;-)

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• Next ›
• Page