Comment by Carmella on August 18, 2008 at 7:54pm

Whoa what a BEEEEEEEP!!! I feel you on the child support thing. Everytime I my ex gets a new girlfriend I get a call out of the blue begging me to drop the child support because his new love wants to start a family and they can't afford to with the 352 a month payment. I say for two kids that's not much and I'll drop it when they're old enough to decide if they want you to stay out of their lives. Anyway I know people in low places if you need a hand *wink*
As for the support you need I completely understand and I hope that you are able to take comfort knowing that we're here for you. I don't think I even remember how to make friends in the real world and I'm sure you're feeling nervous about that too.
"...please don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up
Forgive but don't forget, girl keep your head up
And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
Cause sista you don't need him...oooo child things are gonna get easier
ooooo child things are
get brighter" ~Tupac Shakur

Comment by Linda on August 18, 2008 at 11:15pm

Hey Carol, I feel you, Queen, I've been there too...on the divorce and child support, but it worked itself out. I hope it works out for you and your ex has to pay you what you deserve. If it doesn't, you will be okay, we have your back, like Angela said, "we are sisters" and we are here to help things get easier and brighter for you like Carmella sang! We love you girl and you know where we are if you need ANYTHING, and I do mean ANYTHING!

Comment by Tony on August 19, 2008 at 6:19am

Carol, go ahead and vent, cry if you need to. I have to believe that many of us have been through some tough times. I'd tell you my own story of woe but we would need a more than a couple of beers and a big box of tissues. But that's in the past...and where it shall stay. My ex tries to drag me back there time and again. I've learned not to go...it's not worth the fight as there are no winners...and the kids always end up on the losing end. Lessons learned, life goes on. What really matters is how you go forward.

I know there is not much I can say to make the hurt go away. Just know that we are here for you...you are not alone...we are family.

Comment by Carol on August 19, 2008 at 4:47pm

Thank you all for your support, it really does mean a lot!!! We are only common law so at least we don't have to go through all that divorce crap and he's being really nice about leaving (he will pay support and he wants to make sure his children are well fed) but his fits of rage pop out still to remind me why I'm doing this. It was a mutual split but it still hurts knowing that when he finally leaves it will just be me and the girls and it's kind of scary.
As for my ex, I just blocked his gf from sending me more mail. If she finds a way to persist then I will certainly get her on harrassment. I'm not overly worried about them taking me to court, it's just the stress of the matter and the time off work, etc.. I did break down a bit at work again today though but my supervisor knows what's going on and seemed sympathetic. It's funny how so many of the younger girls at work hate her cause I think she's nice - she's just doing her job. Anyways, thanx again for all your support, it made me cry to see how some of you care so much. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe other people think about me, I should probably give myself more credit. TTFN!

Comment by Bob Hershberger on August 20, 2008 at 1:12am

Hi Carol..From my experience,if you dont even react at all,then your the winner,and that helps keep stress down..Divorce is usually kinda messy,but leaqve that all to the courts..If your doing what you have to,you'll ok..As far as that dead beat Dad your referring to, Hes not worth your time..Quit trying to cling..All that does id make him eeven more turned off,and makes you look bad..I know its hard to do,but it gets results in a hurry,and you have the child..One suggestion..Dont make the kid a pawn,inbetween you 2..The only one who ends up tortured is the child,so try and leave the child out of it all as best you can..Divorce is never easy,especially bald,but stand strong,and the dust WILL eventually settle,and all will be good..Just be patient..If you try and stop the future by forcing the guy into some situation,it will only cause grief for you,so to you,I pray for strength and patience.You'll be fin.Trust me..Bob

Comment by paula on August 20, 2008 at 10:38am

i'm not a bible thumper but i really do believe in seeking some sort of support to help myself stay grounded in my low and tough times. doesn't matter what it is...as long as it suits you and offers you strength, serenity, peace, and shows a new, healthier path for life.
as we know with alopecia, and our other struggles, we grieve...but then the next step is to try and move forward...even if we take baby steps...and even if we fall back a couple of steps...we need a plan!!!!!! i have spent too many years just wallowing about....treading water...and it is crucial carol, that you do seek out some of those sources that another member mentioned for you. so many are free.
as far as the girlfriend....others can only hurt us or anger us if we allow them to. if we do, we have turned over our power and they are winning. shut down the computer....the cell phone...block calls/emails...whatever it takes. it is so easy to get caught up in other people's "spin" and they suck us in ONLY if we allow it. it's almost as if you need to spin a comforting cocoon around yourself....only allowing those in who come from truth...from love....from support. all the others should stay out and let them spin their ugliness without it touching you and your soul.
reach out...to all of us here...to friends who truly care....don't even give all of your anxieties more importance by talking about them and focusing on them. it is so easy for us to get caught up in the anger and fear and complaining...i do that too! but what works is...being at peace within yourself. it's a tough..ongoing journey....but look at the reward...as opposed to us staying in the mirk and mud with those who do not deserve to be in our lives.
stay strong....just the fact that you reached out is such a huge step in the right direction.
we all love you! paula

Comment by Jillian on August 20, 2008 at 10:38am

Carol,
Hang in there. I've been through the divorce and custody battle crap. You have to protect yourself and your child. Things will turn around for you. Crying, venting, all of it is healthy. Don't hold it in. I'll send positive thoughts your way. If there's anything I can do for you, just ask. Take care of yourself. JIllian

Comment by Cheryl, Co-founder on August 20, 2008 at 4:37pm

Carol, when I read your blog all I could think is that “this too shall pass”. I don’t mean it in a flippant, “get over it” way. But in a way that sometimes we just have to hang on and go through it. There are no ways around it, no way to avoid it, just something we have to endure. You did it with your alopecia and have come out on the other side standing stronger, so I have no doubt that you can do it again here. Are our bad experiences always bad in retrospect? Usually we find a silver lining or great growth.

This is not going to be easy, but you can struggle through Carol and I hope and pray in the near future your blog will be one of triumph and joy. Luv ya ;)

Comment by Carol on August 20, 2008 at 5:14pm

Thank you everyone! Your words have really helped and the advice is nice too because one can loose their head during a confusing time. We are sorting out our financials before he even moves out because I certainly don't want to get stuck with his bills and we will put our child custody and support on paper, no worries there. I'm almost starting to look forward to when he leaves but sitting up at night after the kiddies go to bed will be too quiet. If ever you wanted to chat with someone on alopecia world and there wasn't someone on - there will be as long as I'm home LOL. I can't say I've cried as much as I've wanted to, I'm sure there will be days for that but I am slowly starting to think and act like I want to which is terribly empowering. Once he's gone no one will be there to knock it down and I can finally do the things I've been wanting to do like having coffee with a friend or going snowboarding. Attitude is everything, as I've learned through alopecia, and applied to other life situations like some of you have been saying - thinking of the positives really helps a lot! It also helps a lot to know that so many of you are with me and I send great big hugs out to all of you! Thanks again! :)

Comment by kastababy on August 21, 2008 at 6:12pm

Oh Carol, I am so sorry that you have to go through this right now!!! Even though I don't have children of my own, I have seen firsthand how when you don't get child support and things of that nature in writing (common-law or not) the children lose every time. The benefit of having this stuff in writing is so that in the event (however unlikely) that your husband defaults and chooses not to pay any more support (typically when a man finds a new wife -- hence the phrase, new wife, new life) then you have grounds to get a lien against his home, car, boat, RV, income tax refunds, you name it -- plus garnish his wages besides. At least, that's how it's done here unless the *bleep* decides to work under the table for his money. But we are going to claim peace and success in this matter for you, because positivity is what you need from us!!!

Feel free to vent, cry, shout, hurt, whatever it is you need to help you heal. Losing a marriage is much the same as losing our hair -- we have to go through the grieving process, and we all do it differently. You know we are family here in AW, and we are all here for each other.

Me personally, as far as the ex's girlfriend is concerned, I would knock her teeth out and have her brought up on defamation of character and slander charges. If she continues to try to contact you, then bring her up on stalking charges. You are a fighter -- don't let that *bleep* change that, and certainly don't let this latest upset change that either. Draw strength from your children, and please keep us all posted on how things are going!

Sending you a BIG HUG from Memphis!!! Love, kastababy :)

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