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A life of tourture...
Hey, im Kevin and i just wanted to share my story of alopecia, dont want to waste anyones time so...yea just doing this as a release i cant do anything with this on my mind and i doubt this is gunna get it off but i have homework to do and i cant get it done sitting here crying so... yea.
Alright im 16 bout to get a second go around with the beast formaly known as AT alopecia totalis.....weeeee.
So i got my first bald spot in the 6th grade ya know its watever who cares im an exteremely strong person and this cant bring me down.................................................or so i thought. the ridiclueing starts small in 6th grade nothing i cant handle but then here comes the 7th grade and i have lost considerably more in the back and its getting really bad but i have the top combed over it and hairsprayed down it covered...not well enough so every single day for 2 years i had to hear peoples crap fall on me, now not once did i ever get mad and hit someone or verbally bash them just smile (sarcastically) and ignore them and go home and have a good cry session. just about every night i would cry myself to sleep. Peoples parents would be immature about it and one even made fun of me for it, its obvious i dont like to talk about it but they kept pushing and they wanted to know but i knew they didnt care how could you it isnt that big of a deal your a boy and ur balding just shave it tons of guys are bald....well that may be true but tons of guys are bald VOLUNTARILY and this was involuntary and they kept making fun of me for somthing i couldnt control i had to ware a du rag while playing baseball (my passion) to attempt to keep it hidden, and that worked. so im getting really sick and tierd of this crap being dumped on me so i go to the principle and he says hell talked to the kids, i left the room cause god knows i didnt want to be there. I ask one of my class mates what they said... and he says o just that u are fine and u dont have cancer and that was about it....uh....NEWSFLASH...I AM NOT FINE! at all im so messed up from this crap that i hated to look at myself in the mirror wanted to take the mirror in my bathroom out of the house and throw it off a cliff. the hardest part everymorning was waking up and knowing ur gunna have to deal with this again, and again. but on my baseball team, really nice guys do something so amazing but so amazingly stupid at the same time, they talk to me and say hey kev if you wanna shave your head the 5 of us will shave our hair too. and i said ill think about it so the next day they are fully shaven and i dont wanna shave my head no way in hell! i dont want to deal with it.... but i respect them for offering so the summer ends and my hair is haning on by a thread. so day before school i shave my head. I thought it was done i thought i killed it but o no....ooooooooooooo no. i had no friends at this point cause they thought i was some kinda freak from 7th grade so my days involved school, home, cry,sleep 365 a year. So in comes the baldy and o how i loathed baldy i wanted to kill when i heard that word, but i didnt i kept cool, now im gunna be totally honest here, i thought about suicide alot, but i said to myself i wasnt gunna let a disease keep me down if people can beat cancer i can beat this... but at least with cancer people understand and dont make fun of you, with alopeica they could care less. It hurts so bad to shave your head 2wice a week i think it was cause i had dandruff could be rong, but man that hurt. So here comes high skool i made it through the storm and i start growing my hair out.......yippie........................................................................ my bangs came in last so my hair looked like hell on earth on my head....so things are starting to look up and im making friends again and seniors are talking to me cause im a nice funny guy ya know. So im actually happy for the first time in i dont know how long...until october 14 08 when i found a bald spot...again... and its getting worse, i have a TON of hair i havent cut it in over a year since my alopeica went away for fear of this. so i dont know how much longer i will be able to last, and i dont want to be bald again. I have been taking shots to the head, theyve been helping VERY VERY little and i heard that once u stop the shots it just falls out again so im thinking of stopping the shots cause they hurt and i dont like it. I havent had a paper article written about me, i havent been on the news i have to deal with it on my own and theres no way anyone else can understand unless youve had the disease i just recently explaind my life story to a friend and only the second one to know about the whole thing and it brought her to tears... i dont think i was to dramatic in this story but if you read all this i thank you so much and hope you leave a reply.
Alright im 16 bout to get a second go around with the beast formaly known as AT alopecia totalis.....weeeee.
So i got my first bald spot in the 6th grade ya know its watever who cares im an exteremely strong person and this cant bring me down.................................................or so i thought. the ridiclueing starts small in 6th grade nothing i cant handle but then here comes the 7th grade and i have lost considerably more in the back and its getting really bad but i have the top combed over it and hairsprayed down it covered...not well enough so every single day for 2 years i had to hear peoples crap fall on me, now not once did i ever get mad and hit someone or verbally bash them just smile (sarcastically) and ignore them and go home and have a good cry session. just about every night i would cry myself to sleep. Peoples parents would be immature about it and one even made fun of me for it, its obvious i dont like to talk about it but they kept pushing and they wanted to know but i knew they didnt care how could you it isnt that big of a deal your a boy and ur balding just shave it tons of guys are bald....well that may be true but tons of guys are bald VOLUNTARILY and this was involuntary and they kept making fun of me for somthing i couldnt control i had to ware a du rag while playing baseball (my passion) to attempt to keep it hidden, and that worked. so im getting really sick and tierd of this crap being dumped on me so i go to the principle and he says hell talked to the kids, i left the room cause god knows i didnt want to be there. I ask one of my class mates what they said... and he says o just that u are fine and u dont have cancer and that was about it....uh....NEWSFLASH...I AM NOT FINE! at all im so messed up from this crap that i hated to look at myself in the mirror wanted to take the mirror in my bathroom out of the house and throw it off a cliff. the hardest part everymorning was waking up and knowing ur gunna have to deal with this again, and again. but on my baseball team, really nice guys do something so amazing but so amazingly stupid at the same time, they talk to me and say hey kev if you wanna shave your head the 5 of us will shave our hair too. and i said ill think about it so the next day they are fully shaven and i dont wanna shave my head no way in hell! i dont want to deal with it.... but i respect them for offering so the summer ends and my hair is haning on by a thread. so day before school i shave my head. I thought it was done i thought i killed it but o no....ooooooooooooo no. i had no friends at this point cause they thought i was some kinda freak from 7th grade so my days involved school, home, cry,sleep 365 a year. So in comes the baldy and o how i loathed baldy i wanted to kill when i heard that word, but i didnt i kept cool, now im gunna be totally honest here, i thought about suicide alot, but i said to myself i wasnt gunna let a disease keep me down if people can beat cancer i can beat this... but at least with cancer people understand and dont make fun of you, with alopeica they could care less. It hurts so bad to shave your head 2wice a week i think it was cause i had dandruff could be rong, but man that hurt. So here comes high skool i made it through the storm and i start growing my hair out.......yippie........................................................................ my bangs came in last so my hair looked like hell on earth on my head....so things are starting to look up and im making friends again and seniors are talking to me cause im a nice funny guy ya know. So im actually happy for the first time in i dont know how long...until october 14 08 when i found a bald spot...again... and its getting worse, i have a TON of hair i havent cut it in over a year since my alopeica went away for fear of this. so i dont know how much longer i will be able to last, and i dont want to be bald again. I have been taking shots to the head, theyve been helping VERY VERY little and i heard that once u stop the shots it just falls out again so im thinking of stopping the shots cause they hurt and i dont like it. I havent had a paper article written about me, i havent been on the news i have to deal with it on my own and theres no way anyone else can understand unless youve had the disease i just recently explaind my life story to a friend and only the second one to know about the whole thing and it brought her to tears... i dont think i was to dramatic in this story but if you read all this i thank you so much and hope you leave a reply.
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Comment by Diana on January 15, 2009 at 6:05pm
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Hey Kevin - you are right this really does suck and I don't know if it gets easier even when you are older, it gets easier in our heads, what we are always worried about is how other people perceive you because this world is now full of how people look - its a real shame - I had the shots when I was 10 and never had any issues for 30 years... go figure what in the world could have triggered it after 30 years, but our bodies change all the time, I can honestly say that because every 7-8 my body changes in different ways, once I turned 21 I became allergic to a ton of foods (found that out by almost dying somebody found me blue!!!) then 8 years later got things like acid reflux, then 7 years later high blood pressure and other allergies and it does not seem to end I will be 40 this year and was so excited about it - so now I am trying to wind myself back up - keep your chin up, I think bald men are hot - lots of my friends before I was even bald - have their heads shaved because they like it and it looks great! - I think once you are out of high school your esteem levels will get higher and you won't feel so self conscious - I hope there was some positive in here - but they really do make this disease more know to the whole country, everybody I know has never heard about it and knowledge is everything otherwise people are just ignorant.... take care, write anytime! Diana
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Comment by Dina on January 15, 2009 at 6:13pm
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Hi Kevin - Wow, my heart goes out to you so much!! I found my first bald spot around 31 years of age, thankfully I was spared of all of the nonsense from kids in school. I am alot older than you and I know our experiences with alopecia are much different. I wear a wig daily that absolutely no one can tell it isn't my own hair. All of my family and friends know and are of course supportive. I feel so badly for the kids that make fun of your condition and ESPECIALLY the parents - are they crazy?? They really lack any sort of empathy for people and you have to feel sorry for them because what kind of person goes around making fun of someone who obviously has a condition he/she cannot help?? Of course kids will be kids and bullying goes on in every school but that doesn't make it any easier for you. All I can say is let alopecia make you stronger instead of weaker. That is what it has done for me. I see so much strength in myself for being able to cope daily with this condition that it actually has given me more self confidence than before when I had my own hair because I know I can handle what comes my way. Just know you are a good person and that is all that matters in the end. Trust me when I tell you this, things will get better, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you ever need to talk, please drop me a line on my page!! Sending you hugs!!
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Comment by Dominique on January 15, 2009 at 6:29pm
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Hey Kevin,
*hugs* sounds like you've had a real tough time of it. Unlike you - I've never had hair - well - not since I remember. So I went through all my school years without any hair at all - I was just the bald chick. In a way, I'm thankful - I dealt with my stuff the best I could.
It sounds like you're doing alright in High School - making some friends and starting to trust people. At least this girl you've told knows, obviously has sympathy, and will help you be strong and remind you to be yourself most importantly.
Things will get easier as you get older and more equipped mentally to deal with this condition. It will also get easier because your peers will also mature and hopefully act more like adults (thought even alot of adults are completely clueless when it comes to respecting others).
Hang in there. Keep those you trust and who know close to you. Be yourself etc. You've heard it all before. There's heaps of people arond here who will read your blog if you need to vent - so go for it.
*hugs*
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Comment by Mari on January 16, 2009 at 4:01pm
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I think unknowingly Kevin you hit on part of the solution. Alopecia just takes our hair, but people are the ones who take our confidence and pride. Some on purpose, some just out of plain stupidity. In all my years that I have had Alopeica in my life the main thing has always been to never stuff and bottle things inside. Rick and Jax are completely right, even the strongest of us have doubts and days that we are down. The important thing is that it really is necessary to vent. Whether it is here, friends, family, heck even yourself in the mirror if need be. You are just as strong a person as anyone else and that is apparent. Keep your head up hon and think of all the people in your life that truly love and accept you, let that be your shield and if you ever need us we are all here!
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Comment by Liz on January 17, 2009 at 3:10am
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Hey Kevin, I experienced something sorta like your story too, except I'm a girl (well i'm a bit older) but nonetheless kids are cruel, and sometimes adults can be really immature too. It sounds like you've really come a long way and like you, my alopecia returned half a year ago and it's spread like a wild fire on my head and now I just wear hats. But don't worry, I know it's cliche to say that it's the inside that really counts (even though ppl judge others initially through the physicals) but it's true, you sound like a very strong and nice guy! So keep your head up :) we can't let this consume us.
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Comment by DesertAngel on January 17, 2009 at 2:19pm
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I just wanted to send you a virtual hug, ((((Kevin)))).
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Comment by Eileen Simpson on January 19, 2009 at 12:01am
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Hi Kevin I just read your entry I am very saddened by it and that for a person so young has to go though such a hard thing. I can't say what's it's like at your age to be in you place but I can tell you that I admire you for telling your story. I think we should all do the same. You’re a brave young man with a lot to give the world. As Bogie said surround yourself with caring people, people that are in touch with their hearts. Stay positive and your going go to well for yourself.
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Yeah second the virtual hug (((Kevin))). I feel better now.
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