Comment by Evan on August 6, 2011 at 6:35am

Hi Kate,

Briefly - started loosing my hair to male pattern baldness when I was 16. Did the Hair Club for Men route for about 5 years, then got tired of worrying 'can people tell, does the color match' etc. One night I cut it off and found out the next day that EVERYONE knew I'd been wearing a fancy toupee. However, the mental freedom getting rid of it was fantastic - no more concerns about hiding my secret.

If I were you, I'd ditch the wig altogether.

Evan

Comment by Susan Innes on August 6, 2011 at 9:53am

It seems like this AU situation has been forever but I still look at hair, wondering if the women are wearing wigs or if the man is AU; it's a forever craving to meet more local people with the disease. As to telling the story, I prefer this as well. Yesterday afternoon at an event, a woman appeared that has recently joined a shared organization. I said hello and she replied that she wasn't sure it was me since my hair was longer and a different color at which time the often changing appearance was then explained.

Honestly, there may be people that I would prefer not to share the information with, and the hairpiece offers a safety net. No one should have to live with fear and if we were all able to face "bald", it would eliminate our guessing about someone else's situation, and they in turn could confide in us. The NAAF conference is the one place when this opportunity is available. I did appear in our Madison newspaper about 8 years ago with pictures with and without the wig which again confirmed that people are not truly aware of the magnitude of hair loss until theirs starts to fall out:).

Each of us has to ask ourselves if we are perpetuating fear because we need to feel better about ourselves. Based upon the world's current concept of bald women (which I doubt is going to change unless every actress and model shaves her head), I'm not going to be removing my wig in a public place unless it's an opportunity to help someone or so hot that I'm about to pass out, and I won't figure skate without the wig because of the mean comments from some children, especially insecure teenagers.

Since the world accepts bald men more than bald women, and there are more women accepting bald men than men accepting bald women, I don't feel we are perpetuating anything because the gay population is huge compared to our little sector of the population. If all of us were to come out of the closet, most people would be associating us a religious sect of some sort. I do think it helps to be available in support groups, newspapers and television interviews, and then when the opportunity arises with other personal contact, we can share our stories.

After all of the above being stated, I certainly can relate to your feelings about being an obstacle for others to feel more comfortable about their situations.

>> Susan

Comment by lovelyjan on August 6, 2011 at 12:37pm

Hi Kate,

I know the feeling all to well, I was just like you always wondering if someone could tell if I was wearing a wig,but I was always told that my hair looked great ,and people were surprised when I would tell them that it was a wig. I also had a fear that people would find out about the Alopecia . I have had Alopecia since age nine now 46, grew back once and about the time I reached 24 totally scalp ,brows and lashes gone. For myself, I could never feel free to be my complete self without having to worry about what others would think. I living in the deep south,Alabama where it is very,very hot in the summer. Wearing a wig sometimes can be very uncomfortable,in the past it has never bother me,but I guess with age things change. I never had the courage to go out without my wigs, until May of this year. I give all the glory to God, I must tell you it was not easy,but as time went by it became easier. Before I actually,took the wig off for the world to see as me, I took a picture of myself and I started with my family and closest friends, sent each a picture saying Bald and Beautiful this is my new look , you can take it or leave it. The responses was really great from all my supporters.

My biggest fear is, I drive school bus for grades k-2 and 6-8 how they will react ,school starts Monday. I have every intention of educating these students on Alopecia Awarness. I had a in-service on Aug.1 with co-workers and they were surprise to know all those years I had been wearing wigs.

@ Susan ,I totally agree,the world accepts bald men more than bald women,and we do accept bald men more than men accepting us,but not our problem,because God made us for a purpose,with/without hair we are still beautiful.

Happy National Alopecia Day!!!

Comment by Tallgirl on August 6, 2011 at 1:07pm

Do an internet search for where to buy mitpachat scarves...I saw a long one for $19.99 online. Gauze, lightweight. One could twist and wrap a colorful accent scarf in with this at the crown, or add big earrings, a silk flower, etc. Sure worked for the heat when I went to the Mediterranean years ago!

Comment by Paul on August 6, 2011 at 5:51pm

Hi Kate,

I totally understand how you feel. During my commutes on the NYC subway, I would see men and women who wear wigs and toupees and my "wig-dar" definitely goes off. And I do also find myself wondering about them and feel for them, especially if they are super young. I can am super sensitive to picking out wigs now after my experience. Ever since joining this site though, I wish I had a badge or a shirt that said "Alopecia World" so they can look at it and find resources or support if they need any.

I do find that older men who wear toupees for the most part avoid eye contact with me. I imagine its because I'm so young and I'm walking around all bald. But once a few months ago a met a well known composer of Broadway musicals and Disney movies and I noticed that he was wearing a toupee. From the looks of it he got it from one of those Hair Club for Men or other expensive "realistic" wig services. Well, he just stared at my head the entire time and I guess he was trying to figure my situation out and I think he was thinking about telling me where to get Hair Club for Men wigs. But I just gave him a defiant, no thanks I'm cool with my bald head look.

Comment by Rodeli on August 6, 2011 at 11:53pm

I also sometimes feel like I have "wig-dar" when it comes to spotting others wearing wigs--makes me wonder if I can spot it so easily, than how noticeable is it that I have one on. But I try not to worry about it too much. I just hate when people ask or say things like "I like your new wig" instead of "I like your new hairdo." Why do they feel they need to point our or remind me it's a wig? Sometimes I think they say that because they are on a fishing expedition. A couple of years ago that happened to me in the cafeteria at my company. Some obnoxious busy-body co-worker (that's how most people perceived her) from another department said out loud to me in the cafeteria line that she liked my new wig. Since I never discussed it with anyone at work except my immediate supervisor, I thought it was very nervy of her. I looked at her with a look like she just said the most ridiculous thing and said "Excuse me, that's rude!" She quickly apologized and said she liked my new hairstyle. The look on her face was priceless. She said it in a tone that I felt she was trying to embarass or out me at work and I turned it back on her--something she did not expect. I dont' respond to all people that way, just the ones' who I think are not asking for the right reasons.

However, I recently was out of state at a park and noticed the a woman standing behind me in like wearing a bandana around her head and I could see by looking at her face she had no natural eyebrows or eyelashes--just makeup ones. I instinctively felt she had the same condition as me and hesitated to ask her at first because I did not want to make her feel uncomfortable. But then I thought, maybe she would like to meet someone like her just as I did, so I got up the nerve and apologized before I asked her. At first she was stunned but then she seemed so happy to meet someone like her--she said she really doesn't know anyone where she lives with the same condition. We had a great conversation and related on so many levels. I think you have to be discerning when confronting others, but I think most times, when we see people like ourselves it is natural to want to meet them and most times they reciprocate.

Now on another note--since you bring up Lesbians and gays--which I am not; but a couple of years ago I sported a very short wig. One day I was leaving a drugstore and a couple of teenage boys who I had not had any contact with started making fun of me for no apparent reason calling me a dyke (sp?) etc. I guess they did not catch on that I was wearing a wig, but rather they assumed since I had a shorter wig on that I was a lesbian. That surprised me as a lot of women wear their hair really short and it has nothing to do with their sexual orientation. So my question is for those women who go out in public bald, do people assume you are a lesbian or say things to that affect?

I think for a long time I did not feel very feminine with my smooth head, but have come to realize my femininity is not tied to my having hair no more than a woman who loses a breast to cancer--that is not what makes us a woman--there is so much more to it.

So those are some of my thoughts. I think most of us feel the same way about a lot of this.

Comment by Christa M. on August 7, 2011 at 2:19pm

All these questions in my head about "do the others see my wig, if no, hopefully there will be no wind, if they see it, what do they think?" Unable to speak about a fact I was hiding... after a while I decided to learn beeing fine as a bald woman in a hairy society. I have to deal with childrens remarks now, but that is easier than all this inner questioning. Now, beeing bald, it's the society which has to deal with what they are seeing. And reactions are natural and rather positive, as I send back smiling. They see a bald woman, the important word for me is 'woman'. The rest is now my style.

Comment by Violet on August 7, 2011 at 3:34pm

I can totally relate! I never noticed people with wigs before I had to start wearing one. Just like I never noticed all the blue Honda Civics out there till I bought one. We are aware and now we have wig-dar. :) I usually do the same as you - keep taking glances at the person and wondering what her story is. Often I wish I could tell her how much I like her wig and ask where she got it. And I do wish I could just walk up to her and say "Hey, I wear a wig, too. " and share some camraderie. But it's hard to do, because you never know how that other person is feeling about herself or her situation. I know it's hard for me to be stared at, even if the person isn't being rude (though we can't tell what someone is thinking, and I always assume the worst). It's human curiosity. Like you, I wish we could just break down the "walls" we have and be able to share our stories and ask questions without the fear of hurting someone else. I guess the best we can do is do what we can to make others in the world feel comfortable and free from judgement in the ways we act, think and speak. We may not be able to connect with those we see who are wearing wigs, but maybe by being mindful and thoughtful in general, we will perpetuate a better environment for all. :-)

Comment by Mary on August 7, 2011 at 8:03pm

Oh, this is such a great discussion!

I don't think you should feel bad if you prefer to wear a wig. I totally support anyone who wants to. But, I think that's a chicken-and-egg problem: a bald woman in public is an oddity because there are so few bald women in public, but there won't BE any greater number of bald women in public until more women start going out bald. Does that make sense to anyone?

So, yes, wearing wigs does reduce the number of bald women who are "out" and seen, and so it does delay that day which must come SOMEDAY when women will just be able to do it the way men do now. But, it's your choice and you have to do what's best.

And yes, I do have wig-dar. I notice it all, and notice the eyebrows. I have to tell you that meeting another bald woman in public is a rare occurance for me, and has happened only twice. The first time, she had cancer, but was happily out and bald. The second was recent:

http://www.alopeciaworld.com/profiles/blogs/meeting-another-bald-wo...

Comment by Marie on August 8, 2011 at 5:37pm

Perhaps one's wig-dar is not as accurate as one might think! Twice I've been totally wrong! (oops!)

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