Comment by Susan P aka DGADBS on July 21, 2010 at 10:06am

Hey Tallgirl, in answer to your question, it's just like everything that comes our way in life there's the good and there's the bad side. I have friends that I haven't seen in awhile that can't even look me in the eye and it's upsetting to see them try to make a quick getaway and they also are afraid to ask because they just assume I'm sick. Then there's the other's who totally except it and say they don't even notice it anymore, others try to tell me what to do and I'm a little to old to be told what to do. Some friends are jealous of the attention I get, I never expected that one. My Mom and Dad were really upset with it but my fiance says shaving me head was the best thing I had ever done because once I did I became the old me, the worry, the tears, the daily fallout in the shower stopped. I'm most comfortable at home, up North at our cabin in the woods and at work, people around me totally except it. Last week a woman at work told me I looked like a movie star! But, I still wear my hat at the grocery store, for some reason I still can't manage to go there bald, I guess it's because it's such a small town and I know so many people there, but I do all the other stores in town bald, it's just that one I still have to get through. I'm still very new to the total hair loss and my eyebrows and eyelashes falling out is a new upset for me but I've reading the blogs on here and I'll just get some fake ones. I think shaving what little hair I had left helped me except the fact that I have no hair at all now rather than waiting for those last few hairs to fall out, I don't think I would have handled that as well, shaving gave me a choice, or at least it felt like a choice.

Comment by Mary on July 21, 2010 at 5:54pm

Another wonderfully thought-provoking blog from you. Thanks! Here's my answer.

Once I gave up trying to wear wigs after about 9 months, I just kept doing what I'd been doing. I've written blogs here about my first bald scuba diving trip, my first performance with my band in front of dancers and teaching my folk dance class bald, my first appearance at our synagogue bald. In January, I was the only bald woman on an Antarctic trip that had 90 passengers. Last month, I was at a music and dance camp (about 250 people attended) that I had skipped in 2008 and 2009 because of my hair loss. I go to theater, museum groups, art gallery receptions, photography shows and meetings - all bald or in a scarf that I usually take off at some point.

All of these different groups of people have reacted to me pretty much the SAME way: Many people assume I have cancer - some ask, some don't. I often get compliments on my look. No one is rude or shuns me or drops anything when they see me. I haven't found any difference in acceptance or attitude that I can articulate.

My universal experience with ALL these groups - scuba divers, folk dancers, synagogue-goers, outdoor adventure enthusiasts, photographers....is that everyone just seems to get used to me as I am pretty quickly! Having a bald woman in their midst seems to become unremarkable to most people after a very short time.

WHAT I'VE LOST is the ability to be invisible and go unnoticed. Everybody notices me.

WHAT I'VE GAINED is not being invisible or going unnoticed. People remember me out of a group. People are interested in me. It's easier for me to start conversations with new people.

In some strange way, as I've said before, I've come to like feeling unique. I'm not saying I wouldn't love to have my hair back, but I honestly enjoy being who I am now. I think I'm LESS self-conscious now than I was all those years when I had hair.

Go figure...
Mary

Comment by Norm on July 21, 2010 at 6:40pm

I'm probably not exactly qualified to comment on this one, so apols if I'm missing anything.... but as I see it, if you're stuck indoors all the time, the only peeps who've got any chance whatsoever of engaging with you are gonna be meter readers, plumbers and burglars, and maybe Indian call-centre workers.... oh, and weirdos off here who you make friends with, who then stalk you and ring you at strange times. ;)

By the way.... "Tiltable Wigs"... is that a design feature, so you can scratch your head while no-one's looking? And the insane clowns.... are there many where you live, enough so you have to keep a constant look-out for 'em? Jeez.... no wonder you live in constant fear over there in Cali-land. And they say us Brits are eccentric.... :)


;

Comment by Tallgirl on July 21, 2010 at 10:22pm

The only person on AW who has my number IS an eccentric Brit...who is also a bit insane...so there you go! Who needs Superbowl or The Comedy Channel? Or plumbers? Or clowns? Not I. It is enough of a sport to keep looking up translations... ;)

Comment by Tallgirl on July 22, 2010 at 9:11am

Mary,
Okay, I admit that I HAVE had indoor activity: bellydancing, bowling, and sometimes membership at fitness places. I enjoy dancing, but only get to do it at Greek festivals and Polish events (family or public). At all these, I get some control over what direction my head faces so a wig will most likely stay on it! Obviously, while getting to know/trust people, I am cautious about the effects of gravity or unintentioned bumps! Scarves like those Turkish ones you mentioned are great, exotic choices for bellydancing, as they provide the color, shimmer and swish that enhances the dances!

Comment by Mary on July 22, 2010 at 10:33am

That's great, Tallgirl!

At the risk of upsetting or pissing off anyone, this may be an appropriate place to share one of my mantras that helped ME when I was struggling with the "to wig or not to wig" question a couple of years ago:

"Life is too short to wear a wig."

After I skipped some events and felt miserable at others due to the heat of the wig and my inability to wear it, I just started hearing this voice in my head say this. I began saying it to myself whenever I felt embarrassed about my bald head in public.

Maybe it will help someone else the way it helped me get through it.
( ;-)

Comment by Norm on July 22, 2010 at 2:33pm

Bellydancing and bowling? At the same time??? Wow, that IS impressive.... I bow to your "flexibility" (not as well as you, obviously!)

Must find out who that poor Brit is, and take him out for a commiserative drink... assuming I can cope with his insanity!!

Mary: the NAAF thing wasn't even on my radar till you mentioned it a while ago, cos I've not really got "proper" alopecia.... but having thought about it, I kinda like the idea - it'd be great to meet all you fab peeps! :) Need to suss the logistics and costs.... unless I decide to walk (I'll set out next week!)

Comment by Tallgirl on July 23, 2010 at 11:25am

Too much to live for to ever consider that. Besides, I teach in America (har har). Right now I am THINKING about more active things I can do in my garden and within my own home (NO COMMENTS!), that cost less than the health clubs...but those still, unless I find friends who enjoy weeding in the heat or moving furniture, are sort of "hiding activities." This still does not help me explore my ideas about active life with non-alopecians! Maybe this is why NAAF includes some active events at each conference??? To let the Hiders join together freely in swimming, ball games, runs, or dancing?

Comment by Norm on July 23, 2010 at 12:02pm

"Active life with non-alopecians"..... pfffffffffff.... well, if you step back and see the wood rather than the individual trees, about the only thing you can't do is visit the hairdressers together (but I suppose there's nothing stopping you doing that, either, really).
What you're actually asking is, "what can I do that allows me to keep some sort of head covering on?" when the real question should be, "How the hell do I cope with doing whatever I want without being bothered about anyone seeing me as nature's made me?" - and the answer to that can only be found in your own head, as it were. I know, I know - your individual circumstances regarding The Kids etc. mean it's not always practical to ditch the wigs/scarves/paper bags/whatever. So you gotta start looking on the covering materials as a form of clothing, as I said in another post... you wear what's appropriate. When you can, when it's better for the activity, you ditch the wigs etc. and be bald.... stop worrying about what others think. D'you think they ever ruminate over what YOU think about THEM? Nah, didn't think so..... :)
Sometimes this sorta thing merely requires a slightly different view of the problem..... and then you realise it's not really a problem at all! So (Clint Eastwood voice here), will you walk with me down the street, bald? Well? Willya, punk? Go ahead.... make my day!!! (and yours!) ;

Comment by Tallgirl on July 23, 2010 at 3:18pm

Nature gave me about 50-50 on the haired years, so I am still in both worlds and can still FEEL the Haired Years, because it was in those years I dated, married, had kids, went to most of my colleges, and started the art career. And travelled overseas. So, I do not have the bulk of my adventures during the years without hair. That surely plays into my viewpoints and emotional memories. Yes, I am a bag lady, but so were my East European/Canadian relatives, for cultural reasons (old babushkas in babushkas...). However, my 78-year-old friend had at least 3 facelifts, and dyed her hair before the cancer hit last year...no alopecia or hair loss...so I guess she REALLY wants others to think she is younger (but I'd rather she didn't make all those changes, actually).

You KNOW I would walk down the streets IN ENGLAND with you, bald! Not so bold in my own neighborhood...

From the California Punk

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