Dad told me not to go out in public bald

I have been living at home with my parents for the last five months before I start grad school. Since then I have always worn a wig around the house (I have been wearing a wig for almost 2 years now). I had never gone out in public without a wig until attending the NAAF conference a few weeks ago in Indianapolis - which was also my first time meeting anyone else with Alopecia. My parents have always been supportive for the most part - when my hair started really falling out they found a wig shop for me and bought me multiple wigs, etc. They never questioned why I never take my wig off in front of them. I only take it off in my room, with a locked door.

Tonight, I was talking to my dad about my boyfriend and my dad mentioned something to the tune of
"well that's good he puts up with you, with your hair problem and all."
This statement upset me and I told him that actually no boyfriend I've told has ever rejected me for my Alopecia.

Then he followed by saying its okay if I go around the house without my wig, but I shouldn't go out in public without a wig.

This was a stab to my heart.

It took a lot of courage for me to go without my wig in public for the first time a few weeks ago and it really hurt to hear my own father say that I "shouldn't go out in public, because people will think I have cancer and they will make fun of me..."

He made an analogy to his hippie days when he had long hair and a long beard and people making fun of him.

It really hurt.

I told him it's not easy wearing a wig and the DNCB treatment makes my scalp blister, burn and itch like crazy - especially in the heat of summer. I asked him if he would shadow me one day without my wig...

"we could go to the mall, run errands, etc" I said, practically shaking in tears.

He shook his head and changed the subject.

This really hurt.

He told me it's my mom's fault for giving me the bald gene, not his.

Again, this really hurt.

Thanks Alopecia World for listening to me.

Views: 16

Comment by Ade on July 17, 2010 at 6:51am
My thoughts and love go out to you Margarita. Yes, sometimes our parents say things which to them might sound like they are trying to keep us safe from hurt and rejection. Those messages don't always land how our parents might have intended and thereby create an effect opposite of what they hoped. In some cases, their words are indeed blatantly hurtful based on their own life story - which makes it even more about them and nothing about us; their children. I am reminded of my mum telling me to get a wig once i left home and moved to London 'as that is what she did in the 60's' (and, to be honest she looked pretty hot in it). Got my wig when i was 21 and wore it for 2 years - God, the looks i used to get on the tube/subway, and in the Summer, i tell you, it was like i was in a walking sauna. I hated every minute of wearing it and loathed my mother for years afterwards for suggesting it and not accepting me the way i was, particularly as i had worn a cap all through High School. Anyhow, i now look back on those days with self-forgiveness for myself and my mum - i know in her mind she was trying to protect her little boy from possible ridicule and never for once thought that a wig on a black man, looks like a wig on a black man, which sadly in the world we live in means ridicule from not just adults, but from children who innocently shout out to their mum - 'Mummy, is that man wearing a wig - Yes, i remember that well :-) - must post some pictures sometime; i call that period of my life the Michael Jackson years.... i'm sure you get my drift! xx
Comment by Margarita on July 17, 2010 at 2:07pm
Thanks for the awesome support you guys! I feel so much better. I guess it's just hard to ignore parents when they are, after all, they are my parents. Even if I try to ignore what they say, their words still stick to me. Luckily I will be moving to Oregon and will away from this negativity very soon.
Comment by Margarita on July 17, 2010 at 2:10pm
I really appreciate everyone's personal stories with this issue. It makes me feel like I'm not alone and it helps me to build strength.
Comment by Mary on July 17, 2010 at 7:03pm
Oregon is a very nice place to live. I was there for many years.
Comment by Pat on July 18, 2010 at 10:15pm
I can relate. My mom who also has alopecia has a hard time looking at me bald and has also said some very hurtful things. In the end, you have to do what is best for you and what makes you feel comfortable. Every one else will just have to learn how to deal with it as long as you have a peace about- who cares- its their problem not yours! When I first shaved my head bald, I went to the mall to see if I could actually walk around and feel confident. I walk around the whole mall and the only thing I bought was some cookies,lol. I did get alot of looks but it was nothing I couldn't handle and I think people were just curious. I had alot people tell me how nice I looked with a bald head-mostly men. Your dad may think he is trying to protect you. I ignore my moms coments now and tell her she has to do whats best for her and I do too.
Comment by Natalie on July 19, 2010 at 2:42pm
Hi Margarita! My Mom is the same way. She doesn't like when I go out bald or without makeup. We actually got in a huge fight recently because she said that I had to put on my eyebrows before I left the house. It was very hurtful. She made me feel like a freak. I told her that it shouldn't matter how I look on the outside - I'm her daughter! And I truly do not care what people think; so if I want to go bald/eyebrow-less, then she should not care. She told me that people don't go around without their dentures on, so I shouldn't go around without my eyebrows on. It was more hurtful then I think she could ever have imagined. Hang in there - you're not alone in this :)

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