Comment by Marie on May 9, 2013 at 7:24pm

Hi!  Let me weigh in on this issue: From my abundant middle-age dating experience, It is my sincere opinion that men don't really mind at all -- unless a woman's attitude tells them they should!  Most men have not met or dated a woman who has Alopecia or wears wigs regularly; thus they have absolutely no idea how they are supposed to feel or act.  So, we need to rescue them by cuing their response: if you are confident, happy, and joyous about who you are and how you look, I know from experience that they will take your lead and feel the same way.  Obviously, if you are on a first date with a man, he's attracted to you, but if you act like he shouldn't be, he'll believe you. (BTW - All the men I know think it's cool that I can change my hair whenever I want.  A woman with 1000 looks!  How mysterious and fun is that!) 

Comment by Gale Moorman on May 9, 2013 at 7:42pm

Hi Larisa, I've had alopecia for around 45 yrs. Diagnosed at 11; went thru jr. hs and HS as well as college. Learned to play tennis in college. Had alopecia areata. Big bald spots in head. Wore scarf and sports cap. Always athletic so nothing looked unusual. Played in Central Park & Riverside Pk in NYC. Had many tennis partners; guy seen my Mom and asked if he could have my phone number. He was much older than me but in tennis it doesn't really matter. We started playing became friends, dating and I told him about the alopecia. He really didn't seem to care much. We wed and I was expecting Son # 1; still had big spots that I could come hair over them but wore scarf anyway. Son was healthy; two yrs later expecting twin boys; they were normal--still alopecia areata. 3 mos. after twins birth, washing hair and it all started falling out; so frightening; now I have alopecia totalis. Always wore scarf and hat; work US Open, have my own apt. cleaning biz. If you feel comfy with wearing a hat or scarf or if you have enough hair to cover over bald spots...do it. If you meet a guy and he is very special to you and close to you, I'd tell him; if he doesn't want to deal with it, then he would have left the relationship anyway. If you and he has that special bond, he will continue to be with you through it all. If you're in a work world that isn't liberal and you start to develop areata totalis, you will have to consider a wig, If you still have hair to comb over...comb it over. A guy that seems special or closer to you or friends that do, you'd feel comfy if they knew. If you need more info or advice do not hestitate to e mail me.

Comment by CME on May 9, 2013 at 8:56pm

I understand your feelings perfectly. I have had AU just over 30 years. Today I am married for almost 10 years, but previously also had these questions in the beginning of relationships. With a certain maturity of age, I see  in a slightly different. Think of how many people there are today in this world with deficiencies (physical, visual and other), people with bad habits, different cultures. What matters in a relationship? Physical appearance alone?  The difference in culture or habits seem more problematic. I know we live in a world that goes through a protocol. Not having hair is apparently being outside this protocol. But think of a man with bad breath, who eats with his mouth open, that has customs and culture very different from you, even though this man is beautiful, with hair and look perfect.
  We are human beings like any other, with or without hair. This fact does make a difference in a life together? Should not do. If it does, I see that was not to be mature and deep enough to last. We need to believe in ourselves. We need to give more value to ourselves. The lack of hair does not take away or competencies and value.

Comment by Ann Wilson on May 10, 2013 at 2:24pm

I went many years after my divorce without a man in my life.   I was very busy and not concerned about it.   I met a man at church about 3 years ago.   He accepts me just as I am, UA and all.   He was definitely worth waiting for!

Comment by Shelly on May 10, 2013 at 2:31pm

Dating is beyond being a nervous wreck!!  I am dating, and it feels good to be free from hiding it.  I will tell you it wasn't EASY but it is worth the work to get to that point.  The first person I started dating I waited until I was sure he felt that a women's beauty is on the inside and then it was safe place to let my guard down.

The current person I'm dating I came out of the chute with some "sass" on so, I purposely messed with his mind.  I wore a completely different wig the next day when I saw him.  I put the alopecia on him & asked him if he noticed anything different about me.  He did notice the different hair & then I explained why I was wearing it.....it was well received!! 

After sometime of dating we were out at a bar dancing & I decided to take my wig off (go "topless" as I call it!) & he danced with me, held me, etc. I asked him after if he was embarrassed to be seen dancing with a bald women & he said "no, not at all, why would I be"?   It was very liberating!   We've talked since then about me being bald & he said the bald ting is "your issue, not mine because it doesn't matter to him". So, what did I learn? The ball is my court, so I say, game on bald girl, let's play!!"

Comment by Marie on May 10, 2013 at 6:21pm

My experiences echo yours, Shelly: It doesn't matter to men as much as one might guess.  I love the idea about showing up with different hair and using that as a conversation starter.  Brilliant.  

Comment by Lenin on May 12, 2013 at 10:19pm

Hello, I read your post, and when you have alopecia, not only dating is extremely complicated, but everything in your life becomes impossible to do, because you don't have any self confidence. I've had AU for 5 years now, and in the beginning it was so hard to do everything, but confidence comes along with the time you need to understand what happens and accept yourself as you are, it becomes something easier as you don't think about it all the time and people doesn't notice anymore because you are more confident. I think it may be harder for women because it's more evident but Alopecia is something that each person struggles with in a different way. But I think definitely time is the most important healer.

Greetings from Ecuador, sorry my bad english

Comment by Le sage on May 13, 2013 at 4:41am

From your picture you look beautiful with or without hair. I do not know why you worry.

Comment by madelyniris on May 13, 2013 at 6:21am

I understand! I am 19 years old and started my first year of college this past year. It is weird being in a new environment where a lot of people don't know I don't have hair, or if I don't wear hair, they just sort of stare. 
Dating has been difficult here, but I've learned that in order for me to feel comfortable with the person, it is BEST for me to meet them without hair. I fully endorse meeting and dating bald, that way there are no ifs, ands, and buts. I love having alopecia, and the person that I fall in love with should too!
And the coolest thing about the boys I've dated so far-- they have gotten the biggest kick outta me not having hair. They love kissing me on top of my head and, many times, they call it "badass." I like to think we all are ;) 

Either way, love is love, and if you love yourself, you deserve someone who will love you just the same.

Comment by Carmen Dayhoff on May 13, 2013 at 9:33am

My answer to this problem has been online dating. When you do online dating you simply describe yourself in a profile, add pictures, etc. well I talk bout Alopecia in my profile, mention that I have no issue whatsoever with questions and comments. In my pictures I have me sportin' different hair styles (various wigs) posted, scarves, and even bald. I get compliments all the time. I talk to some really nice looking, sexy men. I have also been approached by men who have Alopecia and just want to talk about it, or they have a friend or family member with it.
If online dating doesn't float ur boat, how about hanging professionally done, beautiful bald pics of yourself in your home? When he comes over its a conversation piece. Asking (person of interest) to "tell you something bout them that you probably don't yet know, even something uncomfortable" (these are my fave conversations). He tells then U tell. When u tell do positive, negative, positive. Be sexy bout it. ie He tells u his thing. Now it's ur turn... Start with, well I have the worlds smoothest legs and I've never shaved a day in my life. That will blow his mind. Then be imformative. Tell him matter of factly bout Alopecia being an auto immune condition. It's closely related to Celiac and Diabetes. Use the word "condition" instead of "disease". It causes you to lose ur hair bc ur body mistakenly fights against it as if the follicles are something ur immune system needs to protect u from. There's no shame!!!!! We r NOT at fault. Be confident. If u have a cold u wouldn't be ashamed. Alopecia, tho a little more permanent, is much like such situation.

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