I've had dreams where I was delighted that my hair had grown back, dreams where I just had long hair again, dreams where I "came out" as having lost my hair, but last night's was a new variation. I dreamed that my hair was just as it is now, and that I was out doing my dream business with no cover on my head. In the dream it was all very easy, as if weird hair was no big deal. A friend in the dream did get me past a security guard by saying, "Stress is bad for her, it makes her hair fall out," but mostly I was able to ignore the state of my hair and was more concerned that someone in the dream had borrowed my violin and put it back in the case all wrong.

In the waking world, it is not so easy, or perhaps it is, and I'm just not willing to take the leap. I last shaved my head in August, six months ago. My hair has been growing. I have hair! I like my hair. I don't want to shave it off. It keeps me a bit warmer in winter, and it keeps me from looking bald. I am used to it. But it has not spread to fill in the bald areas. It has not given me a full head of hair. It is weird hair, mostly bald hair, shocking hair, stare and wonder if she is really sick hair. I can imagine so clearly combing my long, brown hair, wringing it out after a shower, pulling it back into a ponytail. Phantom hair. These tufts of white would shock me too if I hadn't grown used to them.

I don't like wigs. I don't like having something not perfectly comfortable on my head. I don't like feeling that I am not genuine if I have to put on fake hair to go out in the world. But what is genuine? If I shave my head, is that any more genuine? This is my hair, and it is not hair that lends itself to conventional fashions of styling and beauty. If I keep my hair, I am genuine, a genuine freak. When the hot days of summer come around, more likely than not I will shave my head again, but I will not be happy about it. I will be sad to cut off my hair that has been so earnestly growing, as if I feel that the hair that is there is not to blame for my predicament. Perhaps I will also be taking a step toward accepting that keeping the hair on the top of my head isn't really going to lead to a presentable head of hair. Six months to grow a couple of inches of fluff. What will it be six months from now?

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Comment by OneBaldMother on February 22, 2015 at 7:46pm
I also frequently dream about my hair. Either it is falling out or I am so happy I notice it has come back.
I see why you are not wanting to shave again...I miss the feeling of hair you describe. I have a bit of white fluff that I shave but it is not quite as much as you. (looks like you could pull off a Mohawk maybe?) I also remember when my eyebrows were falling out--I refused to pluck the last hair that remained. It was like I didn't want to "punish" my one "good" hair!
I had never considered that shaving in a way might be being less genuine. I guess I just consider shaved as my desired hair length for the hair I have.
I wish that bald and patchy hair styles were socially accepted. I suppose the only way they may someday be is if we are public and expect to be accepted. I still always wear a hat or scarf in public, so it is easier said than done.
Comment by GardenJess on February 23, 2015 at 11:36am

Thanks for responding. I also think of shaving as pretty much just a hair style that makes the most of what one has, but it would be quite a world if people went out displaying all stages of hair loss. (No, I wasn't quite brave enough to make a statement at the elementary school's crazy hair day.) What you said about not punishing the good hair sounds just like my thinking. I probably could wear a mohawk, and probably in any color I want, but I think I might have a hard time developing the personality to go along with it. :)

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