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First time I've lost it in response to the cancer question
I'm feeling guilty today because of something I did last night. I was at an outdoor concert, wearing one of my Turkish scarves because it was cool.
A pleasant woman about my age was introduced to me by mutual friends. The FIRST words out of her mouth were: "I was where you are." Instead of responding with my usual "Oh, I don't have cancer, I have alopecia areata, etc..." I calmly said: "And where do you think I am?"
She was a little taken aback, and said that she assumed I have breast cancer, as she once did. I paused, then I explained as I usually do about the cause of my hair loss.
I've been asked this question in some form countless times, sometimes several times in a week. I always respond with empathy, thanking the person for their concern, and explaining about AA.
This time, something snapped inside me and I just didn't feel like playing along. I don't know why. Later, we talked more after I'd taken off my scarf while dancing, and shared our feelings about being bald. She didn't seem upset or offended
But, I woke up during the night feeling bad. This woman was just doing what we all do - we reach out to people we feel we have something in common with. It's a very natural and very human thing to do. It makes us all feel less alone in the world to connect and share experiences, the way we all do here on AW. That's ALL that these women with cancer (or people who have loved ones with cancer) are doing.
So, why did I challenge her? A man came up to me later the same night while I was doing fast swing dancing, and asked me what kind of chemo I was on that allowed me to be so energetic! I gave him my usual nice response.
What this experience tells me is that I'm not as far along on my journey to self-acceptance as I think I am. Why should it be so upsetting to be mistaken for a woman with cancer? Rather than a negative, it should be a POSITIVE thing: I should feel fortunate and grateful that I DON'T have cancer and only have an inability to grow hair!
I know the answer to my question. It upsets me because it takes me out of my state of FEELING NORMAL with my baldness, and reminds me that to other people, I'm different. It upsets me because it feels so unfair to me that bald guys can go everywhere and not be asked the question.
I want to wave a wand or snap my fingers and make US as unremarkable as bald men are these days. Even though more and more women are going out bald, I know that's going to be a long while. So, I just have to continue to work on not letting it bother me, and loving who I am.
Mary
A pleasant woman about my age was introduced to me by mutual friends. The FIRST words out of her mouth were: "I was where you are." Instead of responding with my usual "Oh, I don't have cancer, I have alopecia areata, etc..." I calmly said: "And where do you think I am?"
She was a little taken aback, and said that she assumed I have breast cancer, as she once did. I paused, then I explained as I usually do about the cause of my hair loss.
I've been asked this question in some form countless times, sometimes several times in a week. I always respond with empathy, thanking the person for their concern, and explaining about AA.
This time, something snapped inside me and I just didn't feel like playing along. I don't know why. Later, we talked more after I'd taken off my scarf while dancing, and shared our feelings about being bald. She didn't seem upset or offended
But, I woke up during the night feeling bad. This woman was just doing what we all do - we reach out to people we feel we have something in common with. It's a very natural and very human thing to do. It makes us all feel less alone in the world to connect and share experiences, the way we all do here on AW. That's ALL that these women with cancer (or people who have loved ones with cancer) are doing.
So, why did I challenge her? A man came up to me later the same night while I was doing fast swing dancing, and asked me what kind of chemo I was on that allowed me to be so energetic! I gave him my usual nice response.
What this experience tells me is that I'm not as far along on my journey to self-acceptance as I think I am. Why should it be so upsetting to be mistaken for a woman with cancer? Rather than a negative, it should be a POSITIVE thing: I should feel fortunate and grateful that I DON'T have cancer and only have an inability to grow hair!
I know the answer to my question. It upsets me because it takes me out of my state of FEELING NORMAL with my baldness, and reminds me that to other people, I'm different. It upsets me because it feels so unfair to me that bald guys can go everywhere and not be asked the question.
I want to wave a wand or snap my fingers and make US as unremarkable as bald men are these days. Even though more and more women are going out bald, I know that's going to be a long while. So, I just have to continue to work on not letting it bother me, and loving who I am.
Mary
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Comment by Gail on August 30, 2010 at 9:24pm
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Mary, I'm sorry this situation made you feel badly. I consider you the Ambassador of Bald, because you are so brave and face this head on (no pun intended!) with dignity and self assurance. I cannot even imagine doing what you do - I maintain that I will probably wear wigs forever, not just to avoid the cancer question, but for my own vanity.
It's perfectly ok to have the occasional bad day and not respond with patience and kindness. You are right about this woman's intentions, but I'm sure in retrospect, she also felt badly for making that assumption about you. In the end, you both reached out to each other and connected, regardless.
Yes, I think it will be a very long time before bald women are "accepted" and not questioned about why they are that way. Thank you (and other like you) for forging a path for the rest of us.
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Comment by Laurie Price on August 30, 2010 at 10:09pm
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Mary,
I have been bald for 10 years and I get asked regularly (When I wear a bandanna) how my chemo is going. Last night at a friends house (she had another couple over as well as my husband and I). Her friend that I have not seen in years came up to me touching my wig and asked me about my cancer. I think I was in shock and just responded not cancer alopecia. I truly understand how you feel, and I have had the same days as you where you just want to be invisible. I had polio and limp when I walk and my entire life I have had perfect strangers approach me and ask me why I am limping, for many years I had very bad excema and people would back away from me and ask what is wrong with you. As I am writing this I have to laugh. I should have said what is wrong with you! I think that you hit the nail on the head when you said it pulls us out of the normal realm, it does hurt when that happens and most of the time we can keep it in check.
I just found this website and you have an idea how I feel when I read these blogs. I am not alone any longer, I appreciate you and your honesty about how you felt. It makes me realize I have work to do on me. But I am a little better each year. Hang in there!
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Comment by Mary on August 30, 2010 at 11:37pm
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Thank you both - words of wisdom. ( :-)
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You're so funny, Tanya! Your posts always make me smile.
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Love it!
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Comment by Tallgirl on August 31, 2010 at 12:57am
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Frankly, I loved your response. Why should your happy dancing be brought down to fulfill someone else's "sensitivity" to Chemo Girl (assumed)? What if you were actually dancing away bad news? I do NOT like inappropriate timing!
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The man that came up to us while we were dancing was awhile after the conversation with the woman. What the man said (after we'd just finished a dance) was "I had to come over here. My wife over there has cancer, and I was wondering what kind of chemo you're on to be able to dance like that." With that preface, it was hard for me not to respond nicely to him.
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Comment by Lisa Santer on August 31, 2010 at 2:00am
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Oh dear, Mary. Please let go of the guilt for responding in the moment, and accept that it won't be the last time. After decades of bald (most unwigged), I have decided I get to choose if, when, and how to welcome which kind of approach, from whom, in which context, and according to my mood. I'm flexible, and feel much better having a variety of responses.
Sure, folks with cancer have a lot to carry. However, I don't believe it's good for my health to carry too much of it by warmly and patiently and generously hearing umpteen stories of women with cancer WHENEVER someone else has a need (or a whim). There is nearly endless need for people to be heard. I also am not sure how good it is for people with cancer stories to go around assuming that every bald woman they see has the same cancer, and wants to listen to it or think about it all the time they're getting chemo.
Your response sounds like it was respectful of the other woman, in letting her actually engage with you, the person, not you the one with a projection screen for a scalp. Pretending we're always eager to hear about other people's stuff isn't acceptance, it's pretense. Your later interactions with her grew out of your honest initial response--hooray for honesty and hanging in!
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Comment by Cheryl, Co-founder on August 31, 2010 at 3:41am
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Hi Mary, I can only assume that she has also fielded the same question, but having to say yes. I am sure that she also did not always feel up to the questioning. In other words, I think she understands.
I think you are right, when we get to a place of “acceptance” it is easy for us to sort of “forget” that we have alopecia, then a situation happens and it brings it back to the forefront.
Alopecia doesn’t just go away. I may cope with it for years and then all of a sudden like the other day 2 girls ran into a book stores bathroom, saw me and ran out giggling. Sometimes it floats over our heads and others it stabs us in the heart. We don’t always get to walk away unscathed.
Mary your reaction was nothing more than human.
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Thanks, Cheryl. Oh, that bathroom experience rings a bell. There we are, bald heads high, feeling beautiful and natural, and someone does something stupid and insensitive (even if it's a child, it hurts).
Being bald has really made me much LESS self-conscious than I used to be. Also, Michael J. Fox's words in that blog I posted about an interview he did ring so true...he said that when he got Parkinson's vanity was long gone.
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