about three weeks ago i was getting ready to run some errands with my husband nd my son. as i was packing my sons diaper bag my husband came up behind me nd smoothed my hair as he had a confoused looked in his face nd said "what the ... " i asked him what was the matter but he just kept staring at my head. i asked againg what was he staring at, but he said he didnt want to tell me, im guessing he didnt know how to tell me so he took a picture with his phone. i was hoping it was baby food since i had just finished feeding my 9 month old son, but then i looked at the pic. a round smooth bald spot about the size of a nickle. immediatly i ran to the bathroom to look for myself, but i wasnt able to look at it very well since its in the back of my head (a little to the left of where a ponytail goes) but i could feel it. round, smooth, bald. i started crying, for a few minutes my world came crashing down. i'm a very girly girl, i take pride in the way i look and my long black hair has always been one of my favorite physical pluses. i know what alopecia is because i had a friend in middle school who had it so as soon as i saw my spot i knew what it was. after being comforted by my husband nd son for almost an hour nd trying to put my hair up in a way that hides it i was finally ready to go on with my day. after running errands my husband took me to base medical to make an appointment to see my dr. two days later i was in the drs office nd as soon as he looked at it he said alopecia. since noone in my family has ever had this, being genetic got ruled out. he came to the conclusion that it was from stress, which i can see how that could be true. i've been under a lot of stress since my sone was born, dont get me wrong i love him to death he is my world my life my motivation, but ia a first time mother nd to me it can be a bit overwhelming at times. for the first three months i cried everyday because i felt like a bad mom because i was not able to breastfeed. well one way or another i got over that nd things seemed to be getting better. my husband is a us marine nd he received orders to deploy to okinawa japan nd my son nd i were going to be able to go with him. i was excited. i was a little frightning to be moving so far away from my family nd friends for three long years away from my comfort zone to a foreigh land where i would know the language but it also seemed like such a great opportunity to travel to see new place to learn about one of my favorite cultures first hand nd to live by the beach again not to mention the pay for being over seas wouldve been great. things were finally looking up. my husband completed all his paper work my son nd i had all our medical nd dental recods approved. we had our overseas passports. we had filled out housing applications for okinawa. we even had everything arranged for our furniture and personal belogings to be shipped out. i had a buyer for my car nd plans of what to do with that money. my husband had told his mother that she could have his car so we were going to drive his car to texas. we had hotel reservations for the time we would be down there, and plane tickets to fly back home. then it came. my husband received a call telling him to cancel everything. they had revoked his orders. we werent going anywhere. all those plans were ruined. nd the hotel nd plane tickets money was lost. a few days later came another set of news, my husband could no longer keep his current job as military police he had to move to a differant unit nd the only available was infantry. that brought me a lot of stress. it went from my husband being safe just being on base maybe dealing with domestic cases or dui's to becoming a tow gunner, he's gonna be the one on top of a humvee firing missles to enemies tanks. went from no danger to totally dangerous nd im freaking out. to add to my stress he will have to go to tow gunner school in california for two months nd we wont get to go with him. i have never been away from my husband for more than a 24 hour duty shift he had. we are very attached nd supportive to one another nd for him to be away for such a long time is very hard for me. not to mention our son is at the stage where he's having a lot of his firsts nd i would hate for my husband to miss any more of those. as it is because of his working schedule (leaving at 4am nd not coming home till 730pm) he has already missed out on so many milestones for our son. he missed the first time he rolled ove, the first time he sat unsupported, the first time he said mama, the first time he crawled nd just last week the first time he stood up unsupported. nd now he's going to have to miss his first birthday nd more than most likely his first steps. all of this is just overwhelming nd the lack of sleep doesnt help. my son is currently teething so he's extra fussy all the time, nd bedtime is a nightmare. on our bad nights he refuses to go to sleep nd cries nd screams till almost 3 in the morning. after he finally falls asleep i get maybe 3 hours of sleep before he's up nd ready for the day. sometimes its just too much nd i want to stay in be all day but i know i cant i know i have to get up for him, he keeps me going. but this whole alopecia thing makes it that much more difficult, i am very self consious about my body i had previous issues with self image nd eating disorders nd now i have my spot to worry about. i feel that even when its covered up people are staring at it nd judging me about it nd theres nothing i can do about it. i am currently waiting on my insurance to authorize my refferal to see a dermatologist so see what i can do about it. in the meantime im taking ativan to help with sleeping issues nd zoloft to help with anxiety nd stress. but it doesnt alwayz help. i try to put up a front that i am strong nd nothing bothers me but when im alone i cant hold it together any more nd i just break down nd cry. its hard to just run my fingers through my hair nd see clumps falling out, its hard that my song wraps his little hand on my hair nd it comes out wrapped in hairs. i know i shousld be stronger i should be glad that its nothings worse that its not deadly but its just overwhelming. my scalp is itchy its sensative to the touch nd even if i wanted to hide it i cant put a ponytail up cause my scalp hurts. the best i can do is wear a hat nd try not to think about it. blah! i just needed to vent nd put mystory out there. thanks for anyone who reads the whole thing. sorry for all the typos nd grammer errors im typing this in between feeding my son nd cleaning up the house.