I hate being "in between"

Six weeks ago I found my first little spot...it is now the size of a baseball. A mere six weeks later, I have 7 large bald spots and several more smaller ones. I haven't had much time to adjust to having alopecia; however I feel blessed to have found this site. I know that the people, posts, blogs and pictures on this site are what is going to help me cross this bridge and get to the other side of acceptance.

I have been through trials and life-altering changes in the past and I thought I was strong, thought I could handle anything God presented me with. Boy did I underestimate Him! I recognize this "in between" stage and I don't like it! I know it is where I need to be and I am trying to do the work, the self talk, reading the inspirational stories on this site to get to the other side faster. I know deep in my soul that God gave me alopecia for a reason...I am supposed to do something with it. It is going to change my life and make me a stronger, prouder person. I want to be that person that can walk around with my bald head held high. I want to have fun with wigs and hats and not give a rats @$$ what other people think about how I look. All these things I want to achieve, but I'm not there yet. There is still work to be done, stages to go through.

This weekend I am going to cut my hair and start wearing the wig I just purchased. Depending on how my hair looks after it is cut shorter, I may end up just shaving it off. That's what I want to do ultimately, however I don't feel ready yet, I need to take baby steps. Perhaps that is what I need to do to get to the other side is to accept this condition and deal with it rather than hoping it will stop and trying to hide it.

I used to be a fun-loving happy and joyful person. Lately I feel as though the life is sucked out of me. I find myself getting angry at my hair like it is betraying me by falling out! And part of me wants it all to just fall out already. I don't want it anymore.

Thankfully I have a wonderful and supportive husband that thinks bald women are hot and sexy to begin with! I guess that's another confirmation that we are meant to be together! Funny how God puts people in your life for reasons unknown at the time.

Cheryl -- Thank you for this site! And thank everyone for being here, baring your souls and sharing your stories. I don't know how I would make it through this journey without this kind of support and fellowship.

Views: 8

Comment by Cheryl, Co-founder on March 16, 2010 at 12:40pm
Hi Jenna, you have seriously brought tears to my eyes. It is for exactly you and others like you that this site was created. 6 weeks! I don't think I saw or heard from another person with alopecia for months, I struggled alone. Everytime I hear from someone who has found us in the beginning I thank God, for so many twist and turns my life took to get me where I am today. Especially for rj, who encouraged me to take my reach further and we came up with the idea of Alopecia World.

I too understand the baby steps. I saw a black woman with alopecia at a conference way back over 15 years ago. She was not wearing a wig and I looked at her from a distance and thought, that is where I wanted to be one day. I took me time to get there. I wore wigs, then started with bandannas at the gym, to taking it off at conferences. It was a slow process for me, but I knew what my goal was. I can see that you know your destination as well. Take your baby steps and all will happen in its time.

You are still fun-loving happy and a joyful person, that is your nature. Right now it is a bit fogged over, but it is still there just waiting to surface again.

Welcome to Alopecia World Jenna.
Comment by Natalie on March 16, 2010 at 4:59pm
Welcome Jenna :) You are going through the normal stages of grief in losing one's hair; I did, too. But that's good, because it means that you will eventually grow stronger and hopefully comes to accept your alopecia. I know that I am grateful for my bald head everyday for making me a stronger, more confident woman. You are not alone. Keep on smiling, and I promise that things will start looking up :)
-Natalie
Comment by Pat Latina on March 16, 2010 at 7:35pm
Hi Jenna and welcome to AW. Your post brought tears to my eyes, too. You are just where you ought to be. God will guide you every step of the way. Baby steps is what each one of us took and some of us are still taking them but getting stronger each day. I remember when I began to thin over 10 years ago, but it seems like yesterday when I think of the feelings I felt. I was brought up to believe that a woman's hair was her glory and I was losing mine. Today, I know that that is not true - God provides the glory. Anyways, you've come to the right place and I hope we can get to know each other more every time.
Pat
P.S. Thank you for allowing us to peek into your world. And, most of all thank you for reminding me that God chooses our mates, cause just like you my husband is a gem. We've been married 26 years.
Comment by Devin on March 16, 2010 at 11:30pm
Hi Jenna,
I don’t think there are any short cuts, at least if there are I missed them. I think it’s kind of like when a love one passes away. You can reason with yourself and tell yourself what it will take to get through this, but nothing will happen with out the passing of time. There’s no substitute. I think one of the things that I have learned from Alopecia is to appreciate what you do have because it might not be there tomorrow. I never appreciated my eyebrows until they fell out… who does? Sometimes I will just stop what Im doing and look at the moon or some clouds and really take it in you know; really enjoy the little things in life. Kind of how a child sees life without having to worry about the stock market or losing a job or getting all of the work that needs to be done, just stopping to take it in. I hope you find your way with as little pain as possible Jenna.
Comment by Clara S. on March 17, 2010 at 1:43am
Hi Jenna, thanks for writing about your experience. I can totally relate because I felt so alone for so long because I didn't know anyone around me with this condition. It has helped so much to belong to this group and meet so many people who are going through the same issues and emotions. Being on this site has helped me to be more confident and more open. I took baby steps too and am still doing what is comfortable for me....so I applaud you and just remember, you do what is best for you. Take those baby steps and then see how it all goes. Hugs

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